I think that maybe I'm having a delayed breakdown. For the last 2 weeks I spend the whole day concentrating on not having a complete meltdown. It's taking more and more energy just to function. I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can't enjoy anything. I feel numb to everything. The only thing I feel is pain and desperation.
My chest feels tight, I can't breathe. I feel like I'm failing as a wife and mother and friend. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of this.
I want to talk to someone. So I do. I talk to Julia, and I immediately feel uncomfortable. Here is my very best friend. She is getting married in a few weeks. She is so busy and here I am dumping misery on her and making her sad. I feel horribly guilty, but I need to talk to someone.
So then, why, not Duffy? Well here's the thing. As much as I love him, he is just not overly comforting and sensitive. He has his moments, and there are things he is really great at, but he is not the sort of man who can sense when I need to be hugged on a regular basis. If I make it painfully obvious (i.e. laying down in bed in the middle of the day when I'm supposed to be at Girls Night Out) then he gets it. If it's not so obvious, then I'm on my own. If I ask, he'll listen. But he doesn't say anything. It's just me talking talking talking, and then I feel like I'm imposing on him. Then I remember, he lost his daughter too. What right do I have to dump my sadness on him?
So here we are trapped in this vicious circle. I talk to him and don't get the reaction I want. I feel alone. I shut down. He gets frustrated and shuts down. Great. Now we both feel alone, neither of us wants to be alone, and we can't talk to each other.
So I'm trying to talk to Julia. It helps, but not enough. If I get past feeling bad for dumping on her, then I feel compelled to make a joke to crack the tension, because that's what I do. Then I'm right back to where I was at the start of the conversation. Faking my life because that's what I have to do to get by.
I realized that it makes me feel better to be able to hold it together enough to fake being back to normal for the world. I think it makes it easier for everyone around me if I have it all together. What do you do with a woman who 4 months later is still breaking down and crying at work? What do you do with the woman who can't remember what day is snack day for her daughters because she's too busy remembering that it's Thursday, or the 19th or the 29th. What do you do with someone who can't even focus on putting on socks that match? What do you do with someone who forces a smile for her boss, and then closes the door to cry, because she can't afford to not be at work? What do you do?
I don't know what to do, and I'm terrified that I'm sliding down and once I hit the bottom I won't be able to find my way back. I can see all these hands reaching for me, but I can't reach any of them to stop my fall. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. I don't think I can do anything.
My chest feels tight, I can't breathe. I feel like I'm failing as a wife and mother and friend. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of this.
I want to talk to someone. So I do. I talk to Julia, and I immediately feel uncomfortable. Here is my very best friend. She is getting married in a few weeks. She is so busy and here I am dumping misery on her and making her sad. I feel horribly guilty, but I need to talk to someone.
So then, why, not Duffy? Well here's the thing. As much as I love him, he is just not overly comforting and sensitive. He has his moments, and there are things he is really great at, but he is not the sort of man who can sense when I need to be hugged on a regular basis. If I make it painfully obvious (i.e. laying down in bed in the middle of the day when I'm supposed to be at Girls Night Out) then he gets it. If it's not so obvious, then I'm on my own. If I ask, he'll listen. But he doesn't say anything. It's just me talking talking talking, and then I feel like I'm imposing on him. Then I remember, he lost his daughter too. What right do I have to dump my sadness on him?
So here we are trapped in this vicious circle. I talk to him and don't get the reaction I want. I feel alone. I shut down. He gets frustrated and shuts down. Great. Now we both feel alone, neither of us wants to be alone, and we can't talk to each other.
So I'm trying to talk to Julia. It helps, but not enough. If I get past feeling bad for dumping on her, then I feel compelled to make a joke to crack the tension, because that's what I do. Then I'm right back to where I was at the start of the conversation. Faking my life because that's what I have to do to get by.
I realized that it makes me feel better to be able to hold it together enough to fake being back to normal for the world. I think it makes it easier for everyone around me if I have it all together. What do you do with a woman who 4 months later is still breaking down and crying at work? What do you do with the woman who can't remember what day is snack day for her daughters because she's too busy remembering that it's Thursday, or the 19th or the 29th. What do you do with someone who can't even focus on putting on socks that match? What do you do with someone who forces a smile for her boss, and then closes the door to cry, because she can't afford to not be at work? What do you do?
I don't know what to do, and I'm terrified that I'm sliding down and once I hit the bottom I won't be able to find my way back. I can see all these hands reaching for me, but I can't reach any of them to stop my fall. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. I don't think I can do anything.
Just so you know, I'd be okay with sitting there in silence just listening to you breathe, if that's what you wanted. Love you.
ReplyDeleteNiki, I know you and I weren't that close in high school, but I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better. I would be more than happy to listen if you ever want to call someone just to cry, scream, vent...and I don't live close by so you wouldn't have to worry about putting a happy face on. If you ever want to talk, send me a message on facebook and I'll send you my phone number. My heart goes out to you! Kathy Thomas
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. You have every right to lose it. Let yourself hit the ground...just remember to pick yourself back up when you are done. You NEED to get it out..feel it now because you do not want to hold them in. That will bite you in the butt. Thinking of you and your family.....
ReplyDeleteI know we just met, but I know Izzy's and your story from Julia. My heart broke for you when I heard, and it continues to do so as I read of your struggles. I can't say I know how you feel; I can't fathom how difficult it must be to lose a child. I do know that 4 months isn't the eternity it seems. That's barely enough to start grieving, let alone be back "in the groove" of things. You can't force yourself back to "normal". . .. who's to say what your family's new normal will be? A lot of us struggle with pain, heartache, and sadness for one reason or another; we're all faking it til we make it, too. It's a mother's curse to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, and to feel guilty for not being able to be all things to all people, and do everything and do it well. We feel guilty for dumping on others, like having birthed a child somehow makes us superhuman and able to get through without help. I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like you're doing everything you can right now. You're living, you're grieving, you're loving your girls and Duffy. What else can you do? When you're taking care of everyone else, just remember to include yourself. And try to let your friends help you. It's hard and it's humbling, but it's necessary. And if that doesn't work, let a stranger help. I'll volunteer. Love and hugs. . . . . .
ReplyDeleteOh, baby....I think it is OK to feel what you feel. Four months is just a blink and loosing Izzy is just too terrible. We all love you and sometimes just "loosing it" is what you have to do.
ReplyDelete