I think marriage is one of the hardest things to do. Staying married that is. When you meet, it's all new and exciting and fun and exhilarating. You learn everything you can think to ask about them. They do the same to you. You date, and learn everything you can observe about them. They do the same to you. You really like them so you see more of them. They become a bigger part of your life. They become friends with some of your friends, they come to family functions. You like their friends, you meet their family.
Then one of you decides that this should be something you are both legally required to participate in. Ring, wedding. Ta da! Lot's of people who want to appear wise tell you the first years are the hardest. Those people were either lying, delusional or have absolutely no freaking idea what they are talking about.
I think that men are who they are by about age 18-21. Their core personality and annoying, I mean charming, traits are in place by then. Women are not fully the women they are going to be until later, when they become mothers. This is not to say that fatherhood doesn't change men, it does, but not to the same level as it changes women.
Now this is when it gets tough.
Now there is a third wheel attached at an odd angle to this marriage bicycle. Women make the transition and keep pedaling. Men get stuck and end up going around in circles and can't quite get out of the rut.
I think this transition is what makes it so hard. We focus so much of our energy on being good mothers, and loving our children that it is very hard to have any energy left for ourselves and our partners. So some focus their remaining attention on the husband and end up angry that they are last on everyone's list including their own. Some take care of themselves and then their husband ends up resentful. Lose lose for everyone.
So what's the solution?
Beats the hell out of me. When someone figures it out, please let me know. I think the small children years are the hardest. When the kids get bigger and are a little more self-sufficient, understand that interrupting every conversation is kind of rude, and you don't feel like a heel for wanting girl time or date night it gets easier. I think you have to take a little time from each group. Take a little time from the kids for the husband, a little time from the husband for your self. A little time from your self for the kids. I think.
Now, I was operating under this philosophy 4 months ago, and I thought we had it all figured out. God, apparently, does not like it when you have it all together. Now, we have to figure it all out all over. I'm used to Duffy being the person I turn to for everything. I can't turn to him to give me answers this time because he doesn't have any and he's got his own questions and anger. We want to be the one to prop up the other, but we just can't. So now we have to find this balance between being open with each other without breaking the each other. How often do I tell him that I miss her before I reach the point where I'm just making him more sad? How often can he lose his temper with me, not because he's mad at me, but because he's just mad that Izzy was taken from us? And then add Maddy and Abbey and their grief to the mix, we both agree that they are the first priority, but then what will that do to them if we don't keep it together.
Okay, God, I get it. Punishment accepted, lesson learned. Please let me move on from this.
Then one of you decides that this should be something you are both legally required to participate in. Ring, wedding. Ta da! Lot's of people who want to appear wise tell you the first years are the hardest. Those people were either lying, delusional or have absolutely no freaking idea what they are talking about.
I think that men are who they are by about age 18-21. Their core personality and annoying, I mean charming, traits are in place by then. Women are not fully the women they are going to be until later, when they become mothers. This is not to say that fatherhood doesn't change men, it does, but not to the same level as it changes women.
Now this is when it gets tough.
Now there is a third wheel attached at an odd angle to this marriage bicycle. Women make the transition and keep pedaling. Men get stuck and end up going around in circles and can't quite get out of the rut.
I think this transition is what makes it so hard. We focus so much of our energy on being good mothers, and loving our children that it is very hard to have any energy left for ourselves and our partners. So some focus their remaining attention on the husband and end up angry that they are last on everyone's list including their own. Some take care of themselves and then their husband ends up resentful. Lose lose for everyone.
So what's the solution?
Beats the hell out of me. When someone figures it out, please let me know. I think the small children years are the hardest. When the kids get bigger and are a little more self-sufficient, understand that interrupting every conversation is kind of rude, and you don't feel like a heel for wanting girl time or date night it gets easier. I think you have to take a little time from each group. Take a little time from the kids for the husband, a little time from the husband for your self. A little time from your self for the kids. I think.
Now, I was operating under this philosophy 4 months ago, and I thought we had it all figured out. God, apparently, does not like it when you have it all together. Now, we have to figure it all out all over. I'm used to Duffy being the person I turn to for everything. I can't turn to him to give me answers this time because he doesn't have any and he's got his own questions and anger. We want to be the one to prop up the other, but we just can't. So now we have to find this balance between being open with each other without breaking the each other. How often do I tell him that I miss her before I reach the point where I'm just making him more sad? How often can he lose his temper with me, not because he's mad at me, but because he's just mad that Izzy was taken from us? And then add Maddy and Abbey and their grief to the mix, we both agree that they are the first priority, but then what will that do to them if we don't keep it together.
Okay, God, I get it. Punishment accepted, lesson learned. Please let me move on from this.
I think this post is especially astute. I had a very strange dream last night. Among other things I've never dreamed about, you were in the middle of writing a book. I think you should. Just a little at a time, like this blog. I'd buy it.
ReplyDeleteJulia is sooo right. I'd buy the book too. Your insights into what has and is happening in your life are truly thought provoking. Keep writing Niki, I love what you have to say!
ReplyDeleteHolly
I also think you should write a book, but I told you that before. Glad to read that other people think so too!
ReplyDeleteContinuing to pray for you, Duffy, and those beautiful girls!