Hello old friend. It's been a while since I've seen you. Yes it really has. Months I think since you've slipped up behind me and wrapped yourself around me. You envelope me completely and when you're around I can't breathe. I can't think.
You're like a dark burial shroud and when I'm wearing you I can't shake you off. I've tried. I will catch myself shaking my shoulders like I'm trying to shrug off my jacket. I will stop and close my eyes and try to think of good things and take deep breaths. I will force a smile and tell everyone that I'm good. I'm not.
When I close my eyes, you make me see Abbey in the CT machine. You make me see Izzy in her casket. You make me think that every siren and ambulance is going to where my loved ones are. You make me see Maddy's neck break every time she does a cartwheel. You make me think that Duffy doesn't want me. You make me feel unloved and unwanted. You make me remember all the things I don't want to.
I thought I was done with you. I thought, finally, you heard me when I begged you to leave me because I couldn't take any more. I guess that only granted me a brief respite from you. Depression is your name and torment is your game. I quit, I don't want to play any more.
You're like a dark burial shroud and when I'm wearing you I can't shake you off. I've tried. I will catch myself shaking my shoulders like I'm trying to shrug off my jacket. I will stop and close my eyes and try to think of good things and take deep breaths. I will force a smile and tell everyone that I'm good. I'm not.
When I close my eyes, you make me see Abbey in the CT machine. You make me see Izzy in her casket. You make me think that every siren and ambulance is going to where my loved ones are. You make me see Maddy's neck break every time she does a cartwheel. You make me think that Duffy doesn't want me. You make me feel unloved and unwanted. You make me remember all the things I don't want to.
I thought I was done with you. I thought, finally, you heard me when I begged you to leave me because I couldn't take any more. I guess that only granted me a brief respite from you. Depression is your name and torment is your game. I quit, I don't want to play any more.
Hey, you. I've got a hug waiting for you anytime you want it. Love you.
ReplyDeleteDitto what Julia said.
ReplyDeletePraying for you to get through this one day at a time, or one minute at a time, if that is the size steps you need to take. You have amazing friends that will support you, for who you are. It's ok to break down and then be strong again.
ReplyDeleteWE love you sis and Aunt Niki
ReplyDeletejen, sam and joe