The story I am going to share with you, is fiction. Fiction based on what I think actually happens when the karma gods get together.
The Karma Gods are responsible for doling out karma, both good and bad. They meet regularly, but not on a set schedule. Sometimes they all go on vacation together and they miss some people’s deserved karmic retribution. Although in theory they function as a Board of Directors, they are largely unorganized and have no system in place for handling the volume of information they receive.
“Hey, hey, everybody. Let’s get this going. It’s been awhile since we’ve met and I’m sure there’s a lot to discuss.” Karma God 1 tries to get everyone’s attention, she is the unofficial leader of the karma gods, and the most organized. Despite her repeated attempts she was unable to convince them to streamline their system by establishing job titles, duties and establishing a flow-through process for karmic requests and distribution. The answer was always the same, “but this is how we’ve always done it, why does it need to change?”
“As always, we need to open the conversation with repeated requests for karmic retribution on Charles Manson. It has been over 3 decades now and our distribution of karma to OJ and Jeffery but not Manson is raising quite a few eyebrows.” Karma God 1 raised this issue to start every meeting, not because she expected anything to change, but it was a long running question, and often served to focus everyone’s attention on the reason they were all together.
#34 spoke up, “We go through this every time, his fact sheet didn’t hit the table. It doesn’t hit the table, we don’t discuss it. They get a pass from us and roll the dice with judgment.”
#26 agreed, “We have never gone back that far to pass retribution, it would be a precedent that would quadruple our workload. Good grief if we had to go back and discuss all the fact sheets that didn’t hit the table, we’d have to do this every day. How in the world would I have time to work on my swing if we were forever discussing who deserves karmic retribution?”
#1 said, “I understand your concern, let’s move on to today’s business.” She motioned to the 4 karma god trainees, who were standing near the door. Two of the opened the doors and the other 2 pulled in a stack of papers that were on a small moveable pallet. Two of the trainees picked up a large slingshot and the other two began to grab the papers to place in the slingshot. They would then launch the papers towards the table where the karma gods were sitting. Any papers that landed on the table would be discussed and the rest would be swept off to the incinerator.
The whole process took about 30 minutes and when the last paper had settled, #17 gathered all the papers into a pile. The karma gods began to read names and some discussion would ensue and they’d make a decision and one of the youngest karma gods would be dispatched to deliver the karma.
#1 picked up a sheet of paper, “We have Niki Duffy here. Says she’s been using the word karma in a joking way on more than one occasion. Like she’s not taking us seriously. In fact, here I have attached a transcript of an email conversation where she says ‘I never get sick, I don’t need to worry’ and then says in response to a question about a board meeting ’I would rather have the bubonic plague and be all alone and have to drive children to 92 events with no rest, than have to sit through another 4 hour board meeting.’ I think clearly, she deserves a little reminder about how karma works.”
#54 said, “I agree, we can’t have people laughing at us, how insulting, does she not know what we’re capable of?”
#89 chimed in “I motion to give Mrs. Duffy here, exactly what she asked for. To the letter.”
#1 said, “I also agree with you, but we can’t give her bubonic plague, it’s too exotic and rare. The CDC would get involved and there’d be all sorts of questions and as always, we’d risk exposure. It needs to be something more mundane. Like the flu or strep throat.”
#54, looking down at his ipad says, “I’ve pulled up her google calendar here, and it looks like the week of June 23rd she’s pretty busy, 4 softball games for her daughters, 3 dance practices, 2 gymnastics practices, supervising the softball fields twice, and it’s the hometown carnival weekend. This might be the best week to get her and still pass this off as karmic retribution and not punishment. You know how ‘you know who’ doesn’t like anyone to step on his toes.”
#63 agreed, “I amend the original motion to give her strep throat the week of June 23rd. If we play our cards right, she’ll inadvertently give it to at least one of the kids and that will add a few days to the karmic retribution.”
#54 seconded the motion, the ayes were unanimous and the motion carried. The meeting was adjourned and the karma gods agreed to meet again in 6 months. Summer vacation time was at hand and they’d gotten a great group rate to visit the Incan ruins in South America.
The Karma Gods are responsible for doling out karma, both good and bad. They meet regularly, but not on a set schedule. Sometimes they all go on vacation together and they miss some people’s deserved karmic retribution. Although in theory they function as a Board of Directors, they are largely unorganized and have no system in place for handling the volume of information they receive.
“Hey, hey, everybody. Let’s get this going. It’s been awhile since we’ve met and I’m sure there’s a lot to discuss.” Karma God 1 tries to get everyone’s attention, she is the unofficial leader of the karma gods, and the most organized. Despite her repeated attempts she was unable to convince them to streamline their system by establishing job titles, duties and establishing a flow-through process for karmic requests and distribution. The answer was always the same, “but this is how we’ve always done it, why does it need to change?”
“As always, we need to open the conversation with repeated requests for karmic retribution on Charles Manson. It has been over 3 decades now and our distribution of karma to OJ and Jeffery but not Manson is raising quite a few eyebrows.” Karma God 1 raised this issue to start every meeting, not because she expected anything to change, but it was a long running question, and often served to focus everyone’s attention on the reason they were all together.
#34 spoke up, “We go through this every time, his fact sheet didn’t hit the table. It doesn’t hit the table, we don’t discuss it. They get a pass from us and roll the dice with judgment.”
#26 agreed, “We have never gone back that far to pass retribution, it would be a precedent that would quadruple our workload. Good grief if we had to go back and discuss all the fact sheets that didn’t hit the table, we’d have to do this every day. How in the world would I have time to work on my swing if we were forever discussing who deserves karmic retribution?”
#1 said, “I understand your concern, let’s move on to today’s business.” She motioned to the 4 karma god trainees, who were standing near the door. Two of the opened the doors and the other 2 pulled in a stack of papers that were on a small moveable pallet. Two of the trainees picked up a large slingshot and the other two began to grab the papers to place in the slingshot. They would then launch the papers towards the table where the karma gods were sitting. Any papers that landed on the table would be discussed and the rest would be swept off to the incinerator.
The whole process took about 30 minutes and when the last paper had settled, #17 gathered all the papers into a pile. The karma gods began to read names and some discussion would ensue and they’d make a decision and one of the youngest karma gods would be dispatched to deliver the karma.
#1 picked up a sheet of paper, “We have Niki Duffy here. Says she’s been using the word karma in a joking way on more than one occasion. Like she’s not taking us seriously. In fact, here I have attached a transcript of an email conversation where she says ‘I never get sick, I don’t need to worry’ and then says in response to a question about a board meeting ’I would rather have the bubonic plague and be all alone and have to drive children to 92 events with no rest, than have to sit through another 4 hour board meeting.’ I think clearly, she deserves a little reminder about how karma works.”
#54 said, “I agree, we can’t have people laughing at us, how insulting, does she not know what we’re capable of?”
#89 chimed in “I motion to give Mrs. Duffy here, exactly what she asked for. To the letter.”
#1 said, “I also agree with you, but we can’t give her bubonic plague, it’s too exotic and rare. The CDC would get involved and there’d be all sorts of questions and as always, we’d risk exposure. It needs to be something more mundane. Like the flu or strep throat.”
#54, looking down at his ipad says, “I’ve pulled up her google calendar here, and it looks like the week of June 23rd she’s pretty busy, 4 softball games for her daughters, 3 dance practices, 2 gymnastics practices, supervising the softball fields twice, and it’s the hometown carnival weekend. This might be the best week to get her and still pass this off as karmic retribution and not punishment. You know how ‘you know who’ doesn’t like anyone to step on his toes.”
#63 agreed, “I amend the original motion to give her strep throat the week of June 23rd. If we play our cards right, she’ll inadvertently give it to at least one of the kids and that will add a few days to the karmic retribution.”
#54 seconded the motion, the ayes were unanimous and the motion carried. The meeting was adjourned and the karma gods agreed to meet again in 6 months. Summer vacation time was at hand and they’d gotten a great group rate to visit the Incan ruins in South America.
You crack me up
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