It has been 1 month today since our baby girl died. 1 month ago today we were in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at Children's Hospital in Peoria. We made the decision to let her go after it was clear that she would regain no brain function and was no longer able to maintain even her blood pressure on her own. It was 5:47 in the morning, Thursday May 20th. We spent the rest of that day holding our girl and waiting with her after disconnecting her ventilator and stopping the medicine that was helping her maintain her blood pressure. We were spending the time talking to her and telling her how much we loved her and how proud we were to be her parents. We told her that she had been a very brave fighter, and that we would always love her. We told her that we would see her soon and we made plans for all the things we could do when we were together again.
As her breaths became fewer and farther between, we thought that every one would be her last and we would hurry to tell her that we loved her, and we kissed her so that would be the last thing she would hear and feel when she left for the final time. The nurses had brought in a full size bed so we were able to lay with her, the 3 of us together. All day I kept secretly hoping that she would open her eyes so I could see them one last time, but I never did.
Isabelle Christine Duffy who was born Thursday April 29, 2010 at 7:19pm and weighed 8 pounds 8 ounces, died on Thursday May 20th at 12:52 pm. She was wanted, she was beautiful, she was perfect. She will always be wanted, beautiful and perfect. I miss her every day. I still ask God every day to bring her back. I still offer to trade places with her every day. I didn't know that I could hurt so much and still get out of bed every day. I want someone to tell me when it will stop hurting so much I want to cry every minute I'm awake.
As her breaths became fewer and farther between, we thought that every one would be her last and we would hurry to tell her that we loved her, and we kissed her so that would be the last thing she would hear and feel when she left for the final time. The nurses had brought in a full size bed so we were able to lay with her, the 3 of us together. All day I kept secretly hoping that she would open her eyes so I could see them one last time, but I never did.
Isabelle Christine Duffy who was born Thursday April 29, 2010 at 7:19pm and weighed 8 pounds 8 ounces, died on Thursday May 20th at 12:52 pm. She was wanted, she was beautiful, she was perfect. She will always be wanted, beautiful and perfect. I miss her every day. I still ask God every day to bring her back. I still offer to trade places with her every day. I didn't know that I could hurt so much and still get out of bed every day. I want someone to tell me when it will stop hurting so much I want to cry every minute I'm awake.
Wanted, beautiful and perfect. I love that. I love you guys so much. Part of me wishes I could take your hurt away. But then the hurt and the love go hand in hand, so it doesn't seem that I could take one away without taking the other away. And even if I had the power to do any of this, I would not dream of taking away the love you feel for Izzy. That love is also beautiful and perfect.
ReplyDeleteIsabelle was a beautiful baby girl that was truly loved and wanted by all. With every tear you cry, with every ache that you feel I so wish I had a magic wand that I could just change everything for you and Duffy but alas that I can not. I long to take away ll the pain but I can not, I wish I had a blanket that I could just spread over you both so that it would wrap you in never ending hugs and love but alas I can not do that either. I can only cry with you, I can listen to you and hold your hands or give you a hug and say I am here if you need me, I am here however I might be useful to you.
ReplyDelete