I know that today was terribly tough on Duff. The girls have been planning this day for him since before Mother's Day. They made posters, Abbey wrapped up several of her favorite toys for him, and we planned a very special dinner for him complete with my infamous jello desert.
But none of that changes the fact that he can't sleep longer than 2-3 hours at a time, that his entire life he's been trained to be the caretaker, protector, and provider for his family, and he feels that he's failed us all. He remembers dates and things like no one I know, and I suspect that every 20th, every Thursday, probably every time he sees the clock hit 12:52 it will hit him all over again.
It's different for me, I think of her when I see a picture or a pacifier, or catch a whiff of her soap or lotion. I have been using her baby lotion on my hands just so I can smell it. I haven't been in her room in a while. I can't stand to see her mobile, or the things I sewed for her, or the chair where I rocked and nursed her, but I can't bear to close the door either. Her bottles are still on the counter, and I still have wipes in the car. I still find her socks in the laundry from time to time, and I remember how her foot was the same length as my index finger. I placed her favorite book with her, and then ordered a copy for myself, and I carried it in my purse the first week after it came in.
I am 33 years old now, and I have been blessed to have never suffered through the death of a loved one until now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It feels like I should be more debilitated by this. One mom said she didn't leave the house for a month. Does the fact that I'm at work mean I didn't love her enough? If I fall apart and can't get out of bed, does that make me a better mom to Isabelle, or just a bad mom to Maddy and Abbey? If I don't cry for her every day does that mean I'm forgetting her? I want someone to tell me what to do. I want someone to tell me when it will stop hurting to breathe. I want someone to tell me when we'll find our new normal, because we can't possibly ever go back to the normal we knew before this. I want someone to tell me why I can't touch, or hug or kiss my daughter ever again. I want someone to tell God that I can't take this anymore, that I'm too weak for this so he can stop testing me. I just want to go back in time and save her.
But none of that changes the fact that he can't sleep longer than 2-3 hours at a time, that his entire life he's been trained to be the caretaker, protector, and provider for his family, and he feels that he's failed us all. He remembers dates and things like no one I know, and I suspect that every 20th, every Thursday, probably every time he sees the clock hit 12:52 it will hit him all over again.
It's different for me, I think of her when I see a picture or a pacifier, or catch a whiff of her soap or lotion. I have been using her baby lotion on my hands just so I can smell it. I haven't been in her room in a while. I can't stand to see her mobile, or the things I sewed for her, or the chair where I rocked and nursed her, but I can't bear to close the door either. Her bottles are still on the counter, and I still have wipes in the car. I still find her socks in the laundry from time to time, and I remember how her foot was the same length as my index finger. I placed her favorite book with her, and then ordered a copy for myself, and I carried it in my purse the first week after it came in.
I am 33 years old now, and I have been blessed to have never suffered through the death of a loved one until now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It feels like I should be more debilitated by this. One mom said she didn't leave the house for a month. Does the fact that I'm at work mean I didn't love her enough? If I fall apart and can't get out of bed, does that make me a better mom to Isabelle, or just a bad mom to Maddy and Abbey? If I don't cry for her every day does that mean I'm forgetting her? I want someone to tell me what to do. I want someone to tell me when it will stop hurting to breathe. I want someone to tell me when we'll find our new normal, because we can't possibly ever go back to the normal we knew before this. I want someone to tell me why I can't touch, or hug or kiss my daughter ever again. I want someone to tell God that I can't take this anymore, that I'm too weak for this so he can stop testing me. I just want to go back in time and save her.
Nikki I am so sorry so very sorry you are wonderful person and a very strong mommy... Your girls love you very much and you a insperation to us all thank you SO much for sharing this with us her life might have been short but she will never be forgotten......
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say. So sometimes I say nothing, but I want to say something so that you know people are reading and thinking of you guys and loving you.
ReplyDeleteWhenever someone asks me how you guys are doing or how you are doing, I tell them you seem OK. I tell them you seem OK, but that I'm sure you aren't. I think anyone who knows you will know that.
But just because you are at work or going through your daily routine does not mean you aren't grieving, thinking of Izzy, missing her and loving her. I think the grief lessens at some point. It must because people can only handle so much for so long. But even when the grief is less acute, I know you will still think of her and miss her terribly. How could you not?
I wish I could find the right words to make everything better and I wish I could bring Isabelle back..and have things be the way they used to be. I wish God didn't test us so much and take away the things and people that mean so much to us...but more days than not, I am fortunate that I don't know Gods plan because I don't think any one of us could prepare ourselves for some of the things we deal with in life! I do want you to know that you and your family are constantly in my prayers and I think about all of you often..my heart still breaks for you..I don't know if that will ever go away, but I want you and your family to know that you are loved, cared about, and supported!!!
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