I have always been someone who enjoyed being alone. It is hard to find alone time when you are married with children, and that is probably the one thing I miss the most about my single life. Since May 20th I have been more alone than I ever wanted to be.
I'm always with someone, at work, at home, at softball, at sleep, but I feel alone when I'm in a crowd.
I was having lunch with 2 of my very best friends, and I found myself unable to keep up with the conversation. Having to focus on having the right reactions to what they were saying. Thinking that it was impossible that we were talking about dogs, and fashion faux pas when Izzy was dead. Why has the rest of the world not stopped? The logical part of my brain knows that the rest of the world must go on, but I can't believe that it is.
She is all I think about. Yesterday, I looked at the pictures on the wall, and I thought, "God, those pictures are newborn pictures, I need to put up something more current," and then I remembered that we would never have current pictures to put up. I put her car seat upstairs in her room, but her swing is still in the living room. I think of her when I see pregnant women. I think of her when I see babies. I thought of her today when she would have been 2 months old, and all the things she would be doing. I sometimes still turn on the monitor to hear the crackle of the static, and I strain to hear her breathe.
I feel alone in my failure to protect my 3 children from this horror. I should have known that something was wrong. It is my job to know when things are wrong. Maddy blames me. She has lost all confidence in me. She clings to Duffy and is horribly angry with me. She started seeing a counselor tonight. She could always talk to me until now. And now she would rather talk to a stranger.
Duffy assured me that we would get through this. He promised that we would save Maddy, that we wouldn't lose her too. I wish I shared his optimism. These are the sort of things that change people forever. Maddy and Abbey's path through life has changed forever, and nothing will change that. Protecting my girls is supposed to be my number one job, and I failed at that.
There are women all over the world that have survived this, but we are all alone in our grief.
I'm always with someone, at work, at home, at softball, at sleep, but I feel alone when I'm in a crowd.
I was having lunch with 2 of my very best friends, and I found myself unable to keep up with the conversation. Having to focus on having the right reactions to what they were saying. Thinking that it was impossible that we were talking about dogs, and fashion faux pas when Izzy was dead. Why has the rest of the world not stopped? The logical part of my brain knows that the rest of the world must go on, but I can't believe that it is.
She is all I think about. Yesterday, I looked at the pictures on the wall, and I thought, "God, those pictures are newborn pictures, I need to put up something more current," and then I remembered that we would never have current pictures to put up. I put her car seat upstairs in her room, but her swing is still in the living room. I think of her when I see pregnant women. I think of her when I see babies. I thought of her today when she would have been 2 months old, and all the things she would be doing. I sometimes still turn on the monitor to hear the crackle of the static, and I strain to hear her breathe.
I feel alone in my failure to protect my 3 children from this horror. I should have known that something was wrong. It is my job to know when things are wrong. Maddy blames me. She has lost all confidence in me. She clings to Duffy and is horribly angry with me. She started seeing a counselor tonight. She could always talk to me until now. And now she would rather talk to a stranger.
Duffy assured me that we would get through this. He promised that we would save Maddy, that we wouldn't lose her too. I wish I shared his optimism. These are the sort of things that change people forever. Maddy and Abbey's path through life has changed forever, and nothing will change that. Protecting my girls is supposed to be my number one job, and I failed at that.
There are women all over the world that have survived this, but we are all alone in our grief.
Love you.
ReplyDeleteErica
Niki, I wonder if your daughter has a hard time talking to you because she is afraid of making you more upset...maybe in her own strange way, she is trying to protect your feelings by not sharing hers with you. Hope things get better soon! Kathy Thomas
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's just easier to talk to a stranger, for all the reasons you mentioned in your post.
ReplyDeleteI have to believe that Maddy will be OK. Not the same, maybe, but OK. And I don't say that lightly as I am sitting here crying thinking of how she might not be the same. But she WILL be OK, even if it takes a while.
Anger is part of grief, and in some weird way I would think of it like this: Maddy is angry and she feels safe taking that anger out on you because she KNOWS you love her unconditionally.
We can talk about whatever you want next time we go to lunch. I feel honored that you included me as one of your very best friends. Always thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThis will help Madeline and you both, maybe a visit or 2 for Abbey as well. Everyone reacts in their own way and while I cry openly for you all I know in my heart that as long as you all hold onto each other and remember that you each have your own feelings it is a fmily process. I agree with Jen, the lash is out because she is secure in her/your love bind. It is the one secure thing she knows. Why do you think when you were younger and you told me you hated me, I always responded with "but I still love you."
ReplyDeleteNiki, you have a true gift. Your blog is so touching and sensitive. I'm glad you decided to do this for yourself. Because, Niki, it is so important that you take care of yourself. You can be no good to anyone else if you are not OK yourself. I think you and Dan are the most wonderful parents. Part of my grief is that Izzy will be missing the amazing parents she was lucky enough to be given. Maddy is so smart that I'm sure with the help you are giving her, she will come out the other side of this anger. She loves you, Niki, of that I am most sure. Believe me when I say, although, none of us who love you, can provide an answer to why this happened in our family we will do whatever you and Dan need to help you through this. I love you all, Mom
ReplyDeleteNiki, I sit here reading this blog and tears stream down my face. Know that I pray for all of you daily. My girls are 5 and 7...I can only imagine what you are all going through. You are an amazing writer and mother. Your Maddy reminds me so much of my Alix...I completely agree with Kathy, I'm sure Maddy wants to protect you from any further hurt. My thoughts are with you. Andi
ReplyDelete