Today is July 20th. It has been 2 months since our baby girl died. It doesn't seem possible that it's been that long, and then again, it seems like an eternity since I held her.
We have had a ridiculously busy day. The basement flooded last night and we had a ton of work to get done to clean it all up. Still not done, but it's hard to stay focused. I find myself watching the clock and remembering all the things we were doing that day. It doesn't even end at 12:52 when she died. I'll remember forever when we had to tell the girls, when we argued with the coroner about the autopsy, the drive home, calling Julia to tell her.
I find myself trailing off mid-sentence because my mind wandered to her. I just stare at her picture. I did discover today that I can look at her pictures and smile. I'm not done crying yet, but her picture made me smile today.
The thing I can get over yet is how unfair it is. It is not fair. I want to jump up and down and scream at someone how unfair this is. We are good parents. We're not going to win any awards, but we're good, decent parents. We are good people, no one is going to nominate us for the Nobel Peace Prize, but we pay our taxes and bills and try to do the right thing every day. Why? Why isn't that good enough? Why?
We have had a ridiculously busy day. The basement flooded last night and we had a ton of work to get done to clean it all up. Still not done, but it's hard to stay focused. I find myself watching the clock and remembering all the things we were doing that day. It doesn't even end at 12:52 when she died. I'll remember forever when we had to tell the girls, when we argued with the coroner about the autopsy, the drive home, calling Julia to tell her.
I find myself trailing off mid-sentence because my mind wandered to her. I just stare at her picture. I did discover today that I can look at her pictures and smile. I'm not done crying yet, but her picture made me smile today.
The thing I can get over yet is how unfair it is. It is not fair. I want to jump up and down and scream at someone how unfair this is. We are good parents. We're not going to win any awards, but we're good, decent parents. We are good people, no one is going to nominate us for the Nobel Peace Prize, but we pay our taxes and bills and try to do the right thing every day. Why? Why isn't that good enough? Why?
Thinking of you... my heart hurts everyday for you all. I only hope and pray that you will find peace and some answers, if any, for all of this. You all are amazing parents, and no one can take that from you. Loves to you!
ReplyDeleteKerri
Amazing parents is right. It is NOT fair. You did nothing wrong and you do not deserve this.
ReplyDeleteI love you guys. All five of you.