I think I had what I would call a big breakdown yesterday. I'm not surprised that it happened, only that I didn't see it coming or realize that it was inevitable.
Abbey was supposed to go to Girl Scout camp and Maddy was supposed to go to Dance camp. Abbey could be dropped off between 8:30 and 9 and Maddy between 8:45 and 9. I drove out to Spring Lake to drop Abbey off first. She became clingy and grouchy and wouldn't let go of my arm. I spent the next 10 minutes trying to drop her off. Didn't work, so we walked back to the car to leave.
With every step I took back to the car, I just kept getting more and more and more angry. I wasn't mad at her, I was just mad. Abbey is much to little to understand that particular nuance, and was crying. I yelled at her most of the way back to town, while she cried harder and harder. I could hear the logical part of my brain telling me that I was really hurting her feelings, that this was wrong, that I was really losing it, but I just couldn't stop yelling. By the time we got to the intersection by the train station, Abbey was no longer crying. She was mad too. She told me she hated me, that she didn't like me, that she didn't love me and that I was a horrible mother. I drove her to Catch a Star. She got out of the car and I walked her in and down the stairs, all the while neither of us spoke. I signed her in and left without kissing her or telling her I loved her. I have never done that before.
I dropped Maddy off at Dana's and went to work. By the time I got there I couldn't speak, or think, or do anything. I don't think I managed to get out a complete sentence. I just kept thinking, that the girls have always been the ones who make me feel needed. They are the reason I get up every day. If they don't need me, and this is what kind of mother I am then what am I here for? This is when I realized that I needed someone to talk to, but that there was no one to talk to. At 10 in the morning, everyone is at work. I called a counselor at MDH, and after they decided that I wasn't an immediate danger to myself they scheduled an appointment for me at 2pm.
I went home and laid down on the couch and fell asleep until 1:30 that afternoon. I went to my appointment. It felt very good to talk to someone who I don't know. Someone who won't judge me, someone who isn't grieving too, someone who doesn't need me to be okay so they don't fall apart. It was hard telling the story from beginning to end, but I did it. I didn't expect any solutions or answers, but he did explain something to me. He said that whatever we are feeling and doing is normal. He said that Abbey being clingy was completely logical for her because she is going to have issues with separation anxiety and trusting that we are going to come back. He said that losing Isabelle has completely shattered my belief that I am a good parent, and Maddy and Abbey needing me, is a further upset of that. Although this makes perfectly good sense, I still feel wrong.
This may be the hardest part of functioning from day to day. Everything I do feels wrong. When I laugh, it feels wrong. When I lay down on the floor and cry, it feels wrong. When I go to softball games and cheer and yell, it feels wrong. When I smile, and frown, and get mad, and make plans for girls' night, and think about having another baby someday, and worry about losing weight, and tickle the girls, and play on facebook, it all feels wrong. I used to have a pretty good idea who I was, and where my life was going. Now I can't tell where I am going, or who I am, or what I should do next.
Abbey was supposed to go to Girl Scout camp and Maddy was supposed to go to Dance camp. Abbey could be dropped off between 8:30 and 9 and Maddy between 8:45 and 9. I drove out to Spring Lake to drop Abbey off first. She became clingy and grouchy and wouldn't let go of my arm. I spent the next 10 minutes trying to drop her off. Didn't work, so we walked back to the car to leave.
With every step I took back to the car, I just kept getting more and more and more angry. I wasn't mad at her, I was just mad. Abbey is much to little to understand that particular nuance, and was crying. I yelled at her most of the way back to town, while she cried harder and harder. I could hear the logical part of my brain telling me that I was really hurting her feelings, that this was wrong, that I was really losing it, but I just couldn't stop yelling. By the time we got to the intersection by the train station, Abbey was no longer crying. She was mad too. She told me she hated me, that she didn't like me, that she didn't love me and that I was a horrible mother. I drove her to Catch a Star. She got out of the car and I walked her in and down the stairs, all the while neither of us spoke. I signed her in and left without kissing her or telling her I loved her. I have never done that before.
I dropped Maddy off at Dana's and went to work. By the time I got there I couldn't speak, or think, or do anything. I don't think I managed to get out a complete sentence. I just kept thinking, that the girls have always been the ones who make me feel needed. They are the reason I get up every day. If they don't need me, and this is what kind of mother I am then what am I here for? This is when I realized that I needed someone to talk to, but that there was no one to talk to. At 10 in the morning, everyone is at work. I called a counselor at MDH, and after they decided that I wasn't an immediate danger to myself they scheduled an appointment for me at 2pm.
I went home and laid down on the couch and fell asleep until 1:30 that afternoon. I went to my appointment. It felt very good to talk to someone who I don't know. Someone who won't judge me, someone who isn't grieving too, someone who doesn't need me to be okay so they don't fall apart. It was hard telling the story from beginning to end, but I did it. I didn't expect any solutions or answers, but he did explain something to me. He said that whatever we are feeling and doing is normal. He said that Abbey being clingy was completely logical for her because she is going to have issues with separation anxiety and trusting that we are going to come back. He said that losing Isabelle has completely shattered my belief that I am a good parent, and Maddy and Abbey needing me, is a further upset of that. Although this makes perfectly good sense, I still feel wrong.
This may be the hardest part of functioning from day to day. Everything I do feels wrong. When I laugh, it feels wrong. When I lay down on the floor and cry, it feels wrong. When I go to softball games and cheer and yell, it feels wrong. When I smile, and frown, and get mad, and make plans for girls' night, and think about having another baby someday, and worry about losing weight, and tickle the girls, and play on facebook, it all feels wrong. I used to have a pretty good idea who I was, and where my life was going. Now I can't tell where I am going, or who I am, or what I should do next.
I have some books that I want to bring to you. I agree that what ever you are feeling at any given moment is the right thing. You should be all over the place.
ReplyDeleteErica
Niki,
ReplyDeleteKnow that you are not wrong for your feelings. No one knows what you are feeling except you, and no one will judge. You are an amazing person, mother, wife, and friend. You are stronger that you will ever know. We are all here for you, and will be here till the end. We all love you! I am praying for peace for you.
Love,
Kerri Koller
I'm glad you found someone you feel comfortable talking to. I know that you know any of your friends and family will lend you a shoulder, but I also understand why that isn't always what you need or want.
ReplyDeleteI love you,
Jen
I am glad you called, I am gald that you went and I hope that you keep going. Please remember to sit with the girls and explain as best you can that it is not them that make you angry, it is just the situation that you are going through and ALWAYS, ALWAYS hug them and tell them you love them.
ReplyDelete