Maddy and Abbey are leaving tomorrow for their big trip to Virginia (the state). My mother and sisters-in-law live there, and the 5 of them have been planning this trip for a year. We are taking the girls to Chicago tomorrow and then they are flying out of O'Hare Thursday morning. They are going to King's Dominion, Washington DC, a horse farm, all sorts of ridiculously fun places. They are going to have an awesome time. I am very excited for them. I can't wait to hear them tell me all about it.
I also really don't want them to go. I can't stop seeing the plane crash. I can hear the conversation with Gary Rhoads, purchasing the 2 other plots next to Izzy's. I can see the funeral home, and hear all the voices hushed telling us how sorry they are. I can see all of this, I can hear all of this.
I remind myself that something that horrific can't possibly happen to the same family. The odds are just too remote. Then the horrible hateful part of my brain reminds me tha what happened to Izzy only happens to 1 in a million. Dr. Tarantino put the odds at 1 in 2 million. Then the hateful voice in my head reminds me about the headstone that is very near Izzy is for a mother and son who died on the same day, and then an older son who died a few years later. So yes, something that horrible can happen to the same family.
For as long as I can remember I have, for every situation, thought of the worst possible outcome. Always, it's just where my mind goes. On May 19th, all day at MDH, and then on the drive to Peoria, it never once occured to me that Izzy would die. Not once. I worried that she would have permanent disabilities, but not once did I think she would die. So now, I wonder, if I had would the outcome be different. Insane I know, but when I think worst case scenario, it never happens. Like my thoughts work to ward off the worst.
I also really don't want them to go. I can't stop seeing the plane crash. I can hear the conversation with Gary Rhoads, purchasing the 2 other plots next to Izzy's. I can see the funeral home, and hear all the voices hushed telling us how sorry they are. I can see all of this, I can hear all of this.
I remind myself that something that horrific can't possibly happen to the same family. The odds are just too remote. Then the horrible hateful part of my brain reminds me tha what happened to Izzy only happens to 1 in a million. Dr. Tarantino put the odds at 1 in 2 million. Then the hateful voice in my head reminds me about the headstone that is very near Izzy is for a mother and son who died on the same day, and then an older son who died a few years later. So yes, something that horrible can happen to the same family.
For as long as I can remember I have, for every situation, thought of the worst possible outcome. Always, it's just where my mind goes. On May 19th, all day at MDH, and then on the drive to Peoria, it never once occured to me that Izzy would die. Not once. I worried that she would have permanent disabilities, but not once did I think she would die. So now, I wonder, if I had would the outcome be different. Insane I know, but when I think worst case scenario, it never happens. Like my thoughts work to ward off the worst.
Know that as a mother, I hurt for you and I am praying for peace for you. I pray that God could take it all away, and make it better. These things are not supposed to happen, and it always makes us think "what if." I pray for a safe trip for your girls, and peace of mind for you. I am sending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Kerri