I know that I am currently very hormonal, and I recognize that that makes me quite irrational. I typically take myself during these times with a very large grain of salt, but sometimes it is hard to balance it out.
I typically expect that things that happen to me will have a beginning, middle and end. I expected this horror to operate in that way. It is not. I expected the worst of it to happen all at once, then as time passed it would fade away and eventually the pain wouldn't be so intense. The memories wouldn't hurt so much, and I could function on something other that autopilot. Apparently it doesn't work that way.
Yesterday, I missed her as much as 12:53 on May 20th. All I could think about all day was seeing her pretty blue eyes. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to nurse her. All day I thought of her. All day I missed her. It was so intense, I spent most of the day holding back the nausea. I could feel her fluffy blanket in my arms. I almost heard her fuss from upstairs.
I could never have imagined that 2 months later it would still be so fresh and intense. I was so mad and so hurt. As I type these words I struggle to express how strongly I felt. There aren't words to describe how angry I am. Never before have I understood the need some people have to punch things. I do now. I just want to scream until I get what I want.
Last night I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. Duffy held me and let me sob for what felt like an hour, but even that didn't make me feel better. Nothing makes me feel better. Nothing. It takes all the energy I have to get up and go to work. It takes energy I don't have to pull it together every day for Maddy and Abbey. If not for them I wouldn't get out of bed. If not for Madeline, Abigail and Daniel there would be nothing to go on for.
That's not to say that there aren't moments when I'm happy. There are, plenty of them, but every time I feel happy, I think of her. Sometimes I feel like I'm sharing that moment with her, and sometimes I just feel like it's too soon to be happy again. Then I realize I'm overthinking, and that makes me sad too. Then it's just a slippery slope down to the bottom and I have to walk away and put on my game face.
I miss her. I want her. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to do this. Not strong enough to keep holding it together.
I typically expect that things that happen to me will have a beginning, middle and end. I expected this horror to operate in that way. It is not. I expected the worst of it to happen all at once, then as time passed it would fade away and eventually the pain wouldn't be so intense. The memories wouldn't hurt so much, and I could function on something other that autopilot. Apparently it doesn't work that way.
Yesterday, I missed her as much as 12:53 on May 20th. All I could think about all day was seeing her pretty blue eyes. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to nurse her. All day I thought of her. All day I missed her. It was so intense, I spent most of the day holding back the nausea. I could feel her fluffy blanket in my arms. I almost heard her fuss from upstairs.
I could never have imagined that 2 months later it would still be so fresh and intense. I was so mad and so hurt. As I type these words I struggle to express how strongly I felt. There aren't words to describe how angry I am. Never before have I understood the need some people have to punch things. I do now. I just want to scream until I get what I want.
Last night I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. Duffy held me and let me sob for what felt like an hour, but even that didn't make me feel better. Nothing makes me feel better. Nothing. It takes all the energy I have to get up and go to work. It takes energy I don't have to pull it together every day for Maddy and Abbey. If not for them I wouldn't get out of bed. If not for Madeline, Abigail and Daniel there would be nothing to go on for.
That's not to say that there aren't moments when I'm happy. There are, plenty of them, but every time I feel happy, I think of her. Sometimes I feel like I'm sharing that moment with her, and sometimes I just feel like it's too soon to be happy again. Then I realize I'm overthinking, and that makes me sad too. Then it's just a slippery slope down to the bottom and I have to walk away and put on my game face.
I miss her. I want her. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to do this. Not strong enough to keep holding it together.
Grief is the worst emotion that has been given to us;the suffering that those left living endure so that a loved one can be at peace is lost in words that can't express the depth or threshold of what we experiance when they are gone. Somehow we each find our own way to deal with the ache that is left for us. Somedays are easier than others, somedays we wish we could exchange places but alas we can not. The pain will truly never go away froma mother's heart nor will a mother ever forget her child, but as eachday dawns we pull ourselves up and we function because as a mother there is always someone who needs us and we answer that call because we love the most, the strongest and most importanly unconditionally. I love you.
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