I have had the opportunity to meet several people as a result of losing Izzy. While many of these people are on their way to becoming dear friends (Hello Andi and Laura!!) I know they'll understand when I say I wish it hadn't happened. Before we lost Izzy, if you had asked me how many friends I had that I could count on when I really needed them, I would have said 4 or 5, and then I would have laughed at myself and said "Really, Nichole, stretching the truth a bit aren't we?"
The outpouring of love for our girls and our family has been tremendous. If I called everyone who did something for us these last 2 months and said thank you every day, I still wouldn't feel as though I had expressed how grateful I am. They did everything they could to help us cope, function, make life normal for our girls. They held our hands, cried with us, laughed with us, hugged their kids a little harder for us, hugged our kids. They cooked for us, cleaned our house, fed our dogs. Bought us enough toilet paper and paper towels to last a year. It still amazes me what people will do when you need them. However precious these people and their selflessness are, I would like to go back.
I would like to go back in time. I would like to go back to thinking that I only had 4 or 5 friends. I would like to wake up May 19th, to a fussy hungry baby yelling at me with all her might. I would like to be sleep deprived. I would like to get to work and realize that Izzy spit up all over my back and I didn't notice. I would like to not have a mountain of paper products in my basement. I would really like her back. So whatever test I'm being given, I'm done. Put me down for a fail or incomplete or whatever it is you have to do make this over. I didn't sign up to be tested like this.
I don't want to put this medic alert bracelet on my 6 year old daughter and find some way to tell her that she has the same disorder that made her baby sister die. Some way to tell her that without terrifying her and her older sister. I don't want to have to worry that even though it's quite unlikely that she would suffer a bleed like Izzy, it's possible. The odds haven't exactly been working in our favor lately.
I just want her back.
The outpouring of love for our girls and our family has been tremendous. If I called everyone who did something for us these last 2 months and said thank you every day, I still wouldn't feel as though I had expressed how grateful I am. They did everything they could to help us cope, function, make life normal for our girls. They held our hands, cried with us, laughed with us, hugged their kids a little harder for us, hugged our kids. They cooked for us, cleaned our house, fed our dogs. Bought us enough toilet paper and paper towels to last a year. It still amazes me what people will do when you need them. However precious these people and their selflessness are, I would like to go back.
I would like to go back in time. I would like to go back to thinking that I only had 4 or 5 friends. I would like to wake up May 19th, to a fussy hungry baby yelling at me with all her might. I would like to be sleep deprived. I would like to get to work and realize that Izzy spit up all over my back and I didn't notice. I would like to not have a mountain of paper products in my basement. I would really like her back. So whatever test I'm being given, I'm done. Put me down for a fail or incomplete or whatever it is you have to do make this over. I didn't sign up to be tested like this.
I don't want to put this medic alert bracelet on my 6 year old daughter and find some way to tell her that she has the same disorder that made her baby sister die. Some way to tell her that without terrifying her and her older sister. I don't want to have to worry that even though it's quite unlikely that she would suffer a bleed like Izzy, it's possible. The odds haven't exactly been working in our favor lately.
I just want her back.
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