For about the last 7 days I feel like a pot of water set to slow boil. I can feel it there underneath everything I say and everything I do. I am so mad. I am mad that I can't see Izzy. I am mad that I can't hear her. I am mad that I can't hold her. I am mad that I can't nurse her. I am mad that I will never hear her laugh. I am mad that I will never her her say her first words, tell me she loves me, fight with her sisters, tell us about her day at school. I am mad that I won't get to see her grow.
Sometimes when I look out in the backyard I can see the back of her running out to play. I see the ghost of her running the bases during our softball games. I can always see her from behind. I can't see her face. In my dreams, I hear her cry, but I never see her, I never touch her or hold her. That makes me mad too.
I am furious that I received in the same envelope today from the insurance company an explanation of benefits for her delivery and death. I am furious that they are questioning some of the services provided. I am furious that everyone still gets paid even though she died. If I wasn't happy with the service I received at a restaurant or hotel or store, I would receive a refund. I am not happy with this, where is my refund, where is my do-over? Where is my baby?
I am so mad right now, I can't breathe, I can't think. I just want to scream, and scream and scream until someone can tell me WHY? I've always believed that if you live your life right that truly awful things won't happen, that God will protect you. I keep trying to think of what I have done to deserve this. Whatever it is, I'll take it back, I'll do whatever he wants. Just please let me have her back. I need her back. I can't take this. I miss her. This is not fair, it's not right.
I'm mad that someone who was so loved, and wanted, and cherished was taken when there are so many children who aren't. I'm so mad that I feel that selfish. I'm mad that my mind can have such horrible thoughts. There are millions of people that I would trade without a moment's hesitation if I could have my sweet baby back.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think or feel or how I can live with this. I don't know. What do I do when the anger goes away, when the shock wears off, when I run out of things to do, what do I do then?
Sometimes when I look out in the backyard I can see the back of her running out to play. I see the ghost of her running the bases during our softball games. I can always see her from behind. I can't see her face. In my dreams, I hear her cry, but I never see her, I never touch her or hold her. That makes me mad too.
I am furious that I received in the same envelope today from the insurance company an explanation of benefits for her delivery and death. I am furious that they are questioning some of the services provided. I am furious that everyone still gets paid even though she died. If I wasn't happy with the service I received at a restaurant or hotel or store, I would receive a refund. I am not happy with this, where is my refund, where is my do-over? Where is my baby?
I am so mad right now, I can't breathe, I can't think. I just want to scream, and scream and scream until someone can tell me WHY? I've always believed that if you live your life right that truly awful things won't happen, that God will protect you. I keep trying to think of what I have done to deserve this. Whatever it is, I'll take it back, I'll do whatever he wants. Just please let me have her back. I need her back. I can't take this. I miss her. This is not fair, it's not right.
I'm mad that someone who was so loved, and wanted, and cherished was taken when there are so many children who aren't. I'm so mad that I feel that selfish. I'm mad that my mind can have such horrible thoughts. There are millions of people that I would trade without a moment's hesitation if I could have my sweet baby back.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think or feel or how I can live with this. I don't know. What do I do when the anger goes away, when the shock wears off, when I run out of things to do, what do I do then?
Thinking of you! Wish I could take the pain away... Love you all! :)
ReplyDeleteKerri
I don't know what to say except that I love you and that it's not fair. It's not fair at all.
ReplyDelete