Marriage

For every 100 couples that lose a child, 92 end up divorced. Only 8 couples make it. This is one of the first things that went through my mind after we made the decision to let Izzy go. I didn't say anything to Danny until we were on the way home that night. I made him promise me that we would stay together. I kept thinking, that if we had to go through this, I couldn't also have to survive losing my entire family. How could we do that to the girls. Over the next week, I think I made him promise several more times.
The very first weekend after Izzy died, it seemed like we were tiptoeing around each other. There were so many people around, and there was so much to do, we didn't have time to think or talk. There was one day that was really rough for both of us, and I didn't want to talk, and I just kept to myself and Danny kept trying to get me to talk to him, and I just couldn't. He made me look him in the eye and said, "You made me promise over and over that we would make it, and you haven't promised me. Promise me." So sitting in the car outside the house, we pinky promised that we would be one of the 8.

It hasn't been easy, and I'm sure that there are still going to be rough times. It isn't always easy even when things go right. I know how easy it is for couples to forget about each other when they're in the thick of child-rearing. We have had our fair share of rough times, and there was a period when we were on the verge of divorce. We had both started looking for places to move out. We had moved past that, and we were as close as we were when we first got together. I had my best friend back, he was the person I wanted to talk to before everyone else, I felt close and connected to him, I felt in love again. We decided to have Izzy because we felt so solid in our relationship, we knew it was right. She was a celebration of the renewal in our marriage.
Several months ago, shortly before Izzy was born, I remember asking Danny, "So do you think when things were really bad for us, that that was as bad as it gets? Now that we've come through that, it's smooth sailing ahead? Now that we've survived that, we are set?" He said yes, that we had made it through those terrible times, and nothing could compare. I remember feeling so confident and happy. Now I realize I was an idiot. Nothing is harder than this. It's so hard to remember to think of him and his feelings, when I can barely think of anything but how bad I feel. I can't expect him to understand how I feel when I can't understand how he feels. I want him to be there for me when I fall apart, but then I feel resentful when he expects me to be strong so he can fall apart. We have fought and argued and yelled and stopped speaking, but one of us is always reminding the other that we promised to keep our family together, and that typically takes the wind out of the sails of every argument.
I find myself watching him coach softball, play with the girls, cook us dinner, or just watch TV and think how lucky I am to have such a good man in my life. He can be a huge jack ass with the best of them, and sometimes he makes Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter seem logical, but I love him, and at the end of the day there is no one else I would rather be with, and I know without question that he feels the same way. So we keep our end goal in mind (getting old and even more cantankerous together) and we work every day toward that goal.