Today was a wonderfully fun day with Maddy and Abbey. We drove to Peoria to swim at the home of a family friend who has an indoor pool. We swam for the afternoon and it was so much fun to watch the girls swim and dive. Even funnier to see Dad try to teach them to backflip off his shoulders.
When we were driving home and they were asleep and Dad was zoned out, I found my mind wandering. Even on days like today when I'm not so sad and down, I think of Izzy every time I do something. I wonder what she'd be doing now. I think about how the girls would be with her. I imagine floating in the pool with her or taking walks with her. All sorts of things. On days like today, thinking of her makes me smile a little and I wonder if this is my new normal.
As time goes by will it stop hurting so acutely? Will I stop thinking about how I failed her? Will I stop thinking of her every minute? Will I be able to see another baby and be able to breathe? Will I be able to walk by the baby department at Wal-Mart without crying?
I think this is a level of pain I can live with. It still hurts, but not so that I forget everything else around me. I don't feel the need to scream until I can't scream anymore. I feel happy and blessed again. I don't have to fake a smile for the girls. When they talk, I can focus on what they're saying and not give the generic answer. I had fun today, and it was a relief to know that it's possible. It feels a little like forgetting Izzy, or leaving her behind. We're not, she's always here. I remind myself that to stay in this level of misery, to wallow, to stay in bed, to lay in bed and never get out again, would be to fail Abbey and Maddy, and we will not do that. We owe it to Izzy to get up, go to work, parent her sisters, and make sure that this does not rob them of their childhood. We have the 3 most beautiful perfect daughters, 2 who keep us busy, and 1 who keeps her eye on us from Heaven, and we are very lucky.
When we were driving home and they were asleep and Dad was zoned out, I found my mind wandering. Even on days like today when I'm not so sad and down, I think of Izzy every time I do something. I wonder what she'd be doing now. I think about how the girls would be with her. I imagine floating in the pool with her or taking walks with her. All sorts of things. On days like today, thinking of her makes me smile a little and I wonder if this is my new normal.
As time goes by will it stop hurting so acutely? Will I stop thinking about how I failed her? Will I stop thinking of her every minute? Will I be able to see another baby and be able to breathe? Will I be able to walk by the baby department at Wal-Mart without crying?
I think this is a level of pain I can live with. It still hurts, but not so that I forget everything else around me. I don't feel the need to scream until I can't scream anymore. I feel happy and blessed again. I don't have to fake a smile for the girls. When they talk, I can focus on what they're saying and not give the generic answer. I had fun today, and it was a relief to know that it's possible. It feels a little like forgetting Izzy, or leaving her behind. We're not, she's always here. I remind myself that to stay in this level of misery, to wallow, to stay in bed, to lay in bed and never get out again, would be to fail Abbey and Maddy, and we will not do that. We owe it to Izzy to get up, go to work, parent her sisters, and make sure that this does not rob them of their childhood. We have the 3 most beautiful perfect daughters, 2 who keep us busy, and 1 who keeps her eye on us from Heaven, and we are very lucky.
So glad you were able to enjoy yourself today. Hope you continue to have more good days than bad ones.
ReplyDeleteErica
I am thrilled you had a funfilled day! I hope this does become your new normal. Lots of love and hugs to you!!
ReplyDeleteHolly
Praying for many more days like this for you and your family! Kathy Thomas
ReplyDeleteYour words are so beautiful! I know that Maddy and Abbey are so lucky to have you both as parents. God definitely has you all in the palm of His hands. I pray for you all daily. Sending hugs and good thoughts to you!
ReplyDeleteLove, Kerri
I am so happy to know thaqt you had a great day with the girls. You and Duffy deserve to have those happy moments. Never doubt your ability to be a mom. You and Duffy are great parents and the girls couldn't ask for better parents. I know this has been, continues to be a heavy part of your lifes but you both are strong and the love you share as a family is what makes you both great parents. I love you both.
ReplyDelete