The bedroom

I see it all the time. It's the room at the top of the stairs. It is painted a soft lovely butter yellow. I sewed the curtains. They are yellow with a center panel that has orange yellow and pink flowers. Her crib is against the wall. The bumper pads are pink and yellow. My mom made them. Her sheet is the same pink as the bumper pads. Her mobile is pink and yellow and butterflies. She has a bookshelf that is full of books that her sisters gave her from their bookshelves. On top of her bookshelf is a fun lamp that Julia made for her. In the corner next to the bookshelf is the rocking chair. I have rocked all 3 of my babies in that chair. I sat in that chair nursing her on the morning of May 19th.
I have only been in her room a handful of times. It's so quiet and still. It is a beautiful room. At first I thought I'd go in every day to connect with her, but it didn't work that way. Her room reminds me of what I'm missing. Her laundry is piled on top of her dresser waiting to be put away. The top drawer is full of size 1 diapers that she should have outgrown by now. There is a partial bag of wipes that will not be put into a tub to use. My breast pump sits next to the door waiting to go to work with me so I can continue to nurse even though I work. In her crib are her stuffed animals waiting to be drug around and dirtied and loved. The monitor is tucked into the corner of her bed, still plugged in, set to channel 1 so we can listen to her breathe and fuss.

So I don't go in very often, mostly when I feel sad and want to feel really sad. I put some of her laundry away yesterday. I set out some outfits that were special to us. A dear friend and her mother are going to make keepsakes for the girls out of them. I wanted to make quilts, or something, but I cannot bring myself to cut up her clothes. (Thank goodness for friends that can do what you cannot.)
I wonder, if we have more children and we use that room for another baby, will I use the things we had for Isabelle? Will I be able to breathe seeing another baby in her car seat? Will it always be Izzy's room? Will another baby feel like the replacement?