The thing about missing Isabelle is that I am often unprepared for when I miss her. I'll be doing something and then I'll think about what it would be like if she were here.
Last week, Maddy looked up a meatball recipe online, and we decided to make a special spaghetti and meatball dinner for Daddy. (BTW very delicious, we called ours Maddy's Marvelous Meatballs) We were standing in the kitchen rolling the meatballs and I thought, Izzy should be here, in her bouncy seat on the counter, waving her arms, and making noise while we do this.
At least one morning a week, I wake up after sleeping uninterrupted for 6-7 hours and think, I should not have slept that long. I should be tired and up every few hours.
We were swimming with some friends and family on Sunday. I was floating on a raft, and thought, Izzy could be laying on my chest floating with me here.
Then I smile and snap myself out of the thoughts before they drag me down into a dark depth I cannot escape from. I hug the closest Duffy girl I can find. I remind myself that she's here with me always. I remind myself that I am lucky to have my 2 healthy daughters here. I remind myself that I am lucky to be married to someone who is here with me. I remind myself that I have great true friends. I remind myself that I am lucky that Isabelle chose us, and loved us, and taught us.
In the online research I have been doing, I have met several moms who are in situations similar to what we are going through. I was contacted by a mother who lost her beautiful son in a manner nearly identical to Izzy's. He was born lacking a different factor than Izzy, but like Izzy he was born missing it completely. I find it tremendously frustrating that although this disorder can be so debilitating and devastating, there is so little awareness.
I am hoping that I can fulfill my duty to do my small part to make a difference. I am honored to find myself in the company of some truly wonderful women who are already making a difference. I have much to learn, I will learn as much as I can, and then do what mom's do best, fight the good fight on behalf of their children.
Last week, Maddy looked up a meatball recipe online, and we decided to make a special spaghetti and meatball dinner for Daddy. (BTW very delicious, we called ours Maddy's Marvelous Meatballs) We were standing in the kitchen rolling the meatballs and I thought, Izzy should be here, in her bouncy seat on the counter, waving her arms, and making noise while we do this.
At least one morning a week, I wake up after sleeping uninterrupted for 6-7 hours and think, I should not have slept that long. I should be tired and up every few hours.
We were swimming with some friends and family on Sunday. I was floating on a raft, and thought, Izzy could be laying on my chest floating with me here.
Then I smile and snap myself out of the thoughts before they drag me down into a dark depth I cannot escape from. I hug the closest Duffy girl I can find. I remind myself that she's here with me always. I remind myself that I am lucky to have my 2 healthy daughters here. I remind myself that I am lucky to be married to someone who is here with me. I remind myself that I have great true friends. I remind myself that I am lucky that Isabelle chose us, and loved us, and taught us.
In the online research I have been doing, I have met several moms who are in situations similar to what we are going through. I was contacted by a mother who lost her beautiful son in a manner nearly identical to Izzy's. He was born lacking a different factor than Izzy, but like Izzy he was born missing it completely. I find it tremendously frustrating that although this disorder can be so debilitating and devastating, there is so little awareness.
I am hoping that I can fulfill my duty to do my small part to make a difference. I am honored to find myself in the company of some truly wonderful women who are already making a difference. I have much to learn, I will learn as much as I can, and then do what mom's do best, fight the good fight on behalf of their children.
If I had to pick one person to fight on my behalf, I'd pick you. You're the best defense I know, and I love you forever, and Isabelle could not have had a better mother than you. You honor her well.
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ReplyDeleteYOU are amazing and I feel honored to have you as my friend. Keep fighting the good fight and know that we love you! Julia is right, Isabella could not have had a better mother than you! You do honor her well each and every day.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the deleted post...it was coming up as my husbands name.
ReplyDeleteFinding any way to raise awareness if definitely the only way to go. Fight the good fight indeed! Our babies will live on in every life that their stories have touched.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself, Niki.