Sometimes it feels like I'm climbing this hill out of a deep abyss. The only problem is that the hill is covered by a slip and slide and the water is on and it's just cold enough to start to make ice and someone keeps pulling my legs out from under me and my hands are tied together so I can't use them to get up. And did I mention it's also dark so I can't see anything, and there's no one around who speaks the same language as me so even if I call for help, no one understands what I need.
There are days when the weight of my pain feels like it's crushing me literally. I can't breathe, I find myself unable to lift my head to make eye contact with people. I have found myself incapable of moving. I once found myself at Wal-Mart unable to move away from the baby section.
Today is one of those days. It feels like I'll never be able to move on past this pain. I'm destined to spend each and every day wanting to see her and hold her. I'm destined to feel numb inside and feel like I'm faking my entire life. I think about calling someone to talk and get it off my chest but then I think that I'm holding them back. Dumping my crap on them. In theory, that's what friends are for, but they don't have time to hold my hand and lead me out of this blackness. They have kids and jobs and husbands and happy lives that they need to lead. I don't want to darken the rest of their day with my pain.
Duffy tells me that people care about me. That people will listen if I want to talk. That people want to be there for me. I don't believe him.
Another unfortunate byproduct of this sort of day is that I question everything that I "know" on any other day. The best description I can come up with of what a day in this mode is like is as follows.
Inside my head there lives 2 Nikis. There is the one that everyone sees on a daily basis. She is confident, smiling, and generally easy to be around. Then there is "Pots and Pans Niki." She is paranoid and can convince herself of anything as long as it involves self-deprecation. Most days, normal Niki can drown out the other one, but as one can guess from the name, Pots and Pans Niki can be very loud........like someone banging on pots and pans.
Here is a brief list of the things she is trying to convince me of;
Duffy is only married to me because it's easier than getting divorced
Duffy is only married to me because he feels sorry for me now
Duffy is cheating on me incessantly
Duffy is having an emotional affair with someone
I am a terrible mother
It's my fault Izzy died
My friends think I'm crazy
No one wants to be around me because I'm (fill in the blank) dull, depressing, boring, obnoxious, not fun etc.
People blame me for Izzy's death
It's taking me too long to move on
I'm grieving the wrong way
I didn't love Izzy enough
I don't love Maddy and Abbey enough
It doesn't matter how often, or how many people contradict me, I always secretly believe Pots and Pans Niki. She has been part of my life for as long as I can remember, but Logical Niki used to be louder. I think she's tired and focused on the grief and kind of threw her hands up. One girl can only do so much. So I guess I'll do what I do and put on my game face and go about the day.
There are days when the weight of my pain feels like it's crushing me literally. I can't breathe, I find myself unable to lift my head to make eye contact with people. I have found myself incapable of moving. I once found myself at Wal-Mart unable to move away from the baby section.
Today is one of those days. It feels like I'll never be able to move on past this pain. I'm destined to spend each and every day wanting to see her and hold her. I'm destined to feel numb inside and feel like I'm faking my entire life. I think about calling someone to talk and get it off my chest but then I think that I'm holding them back. Dumping my crap on them. In theory, that's what friends are for, but they don't have time to hold my hand and lead me out of this blackness. They have kids and jobs and husbands and happy lives that they need to lead. I don't want to darken the rest of their day with my pain.
Duffy tells me that people care about me. That people will listen if I want to talk. That people want to be there for me. I don't believe him.
Another unfortunate byproduct of this sort of day is that I question everything that I "know" on any other day. The best description I can come up with of what a day in this mode is like is as follows.
Inside my head there lives 2 Nikis. There is the one that everyone sees on a daily basis. She is confident, smiling, and generally easy to be around. Then there is "Pots and Pans Niki." She is paranoid and can convince herself of anything as long as it involves self-deprecation. Most days, normal Niki can drown out the other one, but as one can guess from the name, Pots and Pans Niki can be very loud........like someone banging on pots and pans.
Here is a brief list of the things she is trying to convince me of;
Duffy is only married to me because it's easier than getting divorced
Duffy is only married to me because he feels sorry for me now
Duffy is cheating on me incessantly
Duffy is having an emotional affair with someone
I am a terrible mother
It's my fault Izzy died
My friends think I'm crazy
No one wants to be around me because I'm (fill in the blank) dull, depressing, boring, obnoxious, not fun etc.
People blame me for Izzy's death
It's taking me too long to move on
I'm grieving the wrong way
I didn't love Izzy enough
I don't love Maddy and Abbey enough
It doesn't matter how often, or how many people contradict me, I always secretly believe Pots and Pans Niki. She has been part of my life for as long as I can remember, but Logical Niki used to be louder. I think she's tired and focused on the grief and kind of threw her hands up. One girl can only do so much. So I guess I'll do what I do and put on my game face and go about the day.
I believe in both Nickis. Everyone has the same thought process in their head and its what most time people refer to as second guessing theirselves. I watch in silence from afar knowing that every day is a struggle for you and for those around you and wish there was so much more that I could do other than send emeail hugs or give a physical hug when I am there. Life is normally never a fair "game" as an adult when you have responbilities and relationships take "tending" just like a garden. The people that surround you, your loving husband, your darling daughters, extended family and friends truly are there to listen, to cry to do whatever crazy thing it is that you need at the precise moment that you need it because you need it. Nicki, if there is anything that I ever could pass on to you as a mom to a daughter it is the knowledge that you need to open your self to people. Holding things inside even the things that people may not understand or want to hear is what helps you be the person you are. I watch you be the loving wife/partner that any good man could want/ask for and that is why Dan loves you back equally.I watch you be a great mom to all and smile in that sometimes I remember those times that we shared so long ago and I know in my heart that you will find the strength from withing and with the help of your family and friends to deal with this as well. Just trust your heart and follow the logical Nicki as you do, the "pots & Pans" Nicki is just your innner self (the one you keep hidden-protected away from deepest hurts) screaming to be free of the hurt that you are keeping inside. It's a hurt that won't go away in days, weeks or months but it will possibly ease in time as you begin to know that no matter what Izzy will always be with you as you carry her in your heart always. A mother always does. I love you so much and I am here no matter what time of day or night to listen to cry with you what ever you need.
ReplyDeleteDuffy is right that people do care and will listen. And I know that you do know that on one level, but I think it's also hard. And I think sometimes maybe it's hard for you because you are afraid that one you start talking, start opening that pink box, it will be hard to just stop.
ReplyDeleteI notice Duffy does talk about Izzy. And I admit that at first I am... surprised? I'm not sure what it is, but it's a very fleeting thing. I wouldn't say uncomfortable, though. I don't know what it is. But it passes. Very quickly. It's good to hear about her and think about her. Sometimes I already am anyway, so when he mentions Izzy it's almost liberating. Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense.