I think I may be depressed. I think it may be situational. I have the symptoms.
Inability to concentrate
Extreme Fatigue
Irrational paranoia
Backaches
I'll be experiencing a moment that should make me happy, and I smile because that's what I'm supposed to do, but it's a conscious effort.
There are others on the checklist, but I think I've made my point. People ask me how I'm doing and I say "Fine" or "Good" and then I'll immediately think, "Wow, that was a big fat lie." And then I have the following conversation with myself.
Me: Seriously, what else would you say?
Honesty: Tell them that you're having a crappy day. Tell them you want to go home and pull the covers over your head.
Me: And what would that accomplish? They'll get that look on their face, laugh awkwardly because they don't know if you're joking or serious. Then they'll either walk off or then ask a follow-up question. "Oh, what's wrong?" Now that's a real crapshoot. You could tell them you're missing Izzy and you're just having an off day. Then they leave you thinking about this poor woman and her baby. And you have just spread the misery.
Depression: Absolutely right. Better to keep it in. Why on earth would you want to share with anyone. They have their own troubles and things to do. Stop bogging people down and let them get on with their lives. You put on your smiley face and stop bothering people.
Me: Right. It wouldn't be fair to burden anyone else. I need to just suck it up and be strong. That's what people want to see. Someone who can be tough and hold it together. Not a blubbering mess on the floor.
Honesty: Really?!?! Have the two of you gone completely around the bend. People ask because they want to know. They would listen because they care. Christ almighty, how many times can I say it. You are going to breakdown hard if you don't open up.
Me: To who? Duffy? He is in as much pain as me. I can't put anymore on him. Julia, she has work and pictures and wedding stuff. She loved Izzy, she's grieving. You're the Maid of Honor, don't you dare panic her with your doom. Gretchen? Really?!?! She's going to school, working full time and she has 2 girls just like you.
Depression: Gee, maybe if you had more friends, you'd be able to find someone with time for you.
Honesty: Not helpful jack-ass.
Me: Mom-grieving, Aunt Denise-grieving, Kassie-grieving, Holly-BUSY, Kris-BUSY
Depression: Well, now you're just being a show-off. Sure you have lots of friends that would listen, but do you really want them to know you're crazy on the inside?
Honesty: Alright, now I just give up.
Me: No, I don't. I would rather be the girl that holds it all together. Okay big girl panties. Here we go.
Inability to concentrate
Extreme Fatigue
Irrational paranoia
Backaches
I'll be experiencing a moment that should make me happy, and I smile because that's what I'm supposed to do, but it's a conscious effort.
There are others on the checklist, but I think I've made my point. People ask me how I'm doing and I say "Fine" or "Good" and then I'll immediately think, "Wow, that was a big fat lie." And then I have the following conversation with myself.
Me: Seriously, what else would you say?
Honesty: Tell them that you're having a crappy day. Tell them you want to go home and pull the covers over your head.
Me: And what would that accomplish? They'll get that look on their face, laugh awkwardly because they don't know if you're joking or serious. Then they'll either walk off or then ask a follow-up question. "Oh, what's wrong?" Now that's a real crapshoot. You could tell them you're missing Izzy and you're just having an off day. Then they leave you thinking about this poor woman and her baby. And you have just spread the misery.
Depression: Absolutely right. Better to keep it in. Why on earth would you want to share with anyone. They have their own troubles and things to do. Stop bogging people down and let them get on with their lives. You put on your smiley face and stop bothering people.
Me: Right. It wouldn't be fair to burden anyone else. I need to just suck it up and be strong. That's what people want to see. Someone who can be tough and hold it together. Not a blubbering mess on the floor.
Honesty: Really?!?! Have the two of you gone completely around the bend. People ask because they want to know. They would listen because they care. Christ almighty, how many times can I say it. You are going to breakdown hard if you don't open up.
Me: To who? Duffy? He is in as much pain as me. I can't put anymore on him. Julia, she has work and pictures and wedding stuff. She loved Izzy, she's grieving. You're the Maid of Honor, don't you dare panic her with your doom. Gretchen? Really?!?! She's going to school, working full time and she has 2 girls just like you.
Depression: Gee, maybe if you had more friends, you'd be able to find someone with time for you.
Honesty: Not helpful jack-ass.
Me: Mom-grieving, Aunt Denise-grieving, Kassie-grieving, Holly-BUSY, Kris-BUSY
Depression: Well, now you're just being a show-off. Sure you have lots of friends that would listen, but do you really want them to know you're crazy on the inside?
Honesty: Alright, now I just give up.
Me: No, I don't. I would rather be the girl that holds it all together. Okay big girl panties. Here we go.
I ask how you are out of habit. I know you will say you are fine. I know you are not fine. It always strikes me as a silly question to ask.
ReplyDeleteOthers are grieving, yes. That doesn't mean they don't want to listen or help. And no matter how deeply others may be grieving, it pales in comparison to your grief and Duffy's grief.
I can relate to the not feeling well and not wanting to spread it around. I do understand that, but I will say it again because it is true. I will listen if you need to talk. I might get sad, I might cry, I might not know what to say... but that's OK! And I know others feel this way, too. If you want to talk, then talk. If not, that's fine, too.
And while there are some people who might be happier if you put on your happy face (like at work I can see how it is probably easier to just say "fine" and smile even when it is a big fat lie), there are plenty of people who love you and don't need or expect your happy face.
Just to clarify.... I say "spread it around" because I know that is what Tom and his mom do. They do talk to others when they feel bad and then they immediately feel better. And then sometimes I am left feeling upset. I actually use something more crass than "spreading it around" when they do this.
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER, while I understand that you don't want to make anyone else upset, your talking about your feelings is not at all the same as what they do. Sometimes they do it without thinking, without thought of how the other person will feel when they are done dumping out their feelings.
So when I say "spread it around" I don't mean this is what you are doing. Um, I hope I'm making sense.... It's not the same because you are thinking about how the other person feels. It's not the same because what you are dealing with is more than just everyday kind of stress. So anyway, I said spread it around thinking about what they do, and how I don't want to do that either. And I think that is how you feel, but it's just not the same.
And now I will stop explaining and trust that you know me well enough to know what I'm trying to say.
I wasn't kidding when I said I have a chunk out of every day set aside for Niki time (It is not a set time, by the way). Also, I plan on getting more tissues/toilet paper sometime in the near future. Also, I love you.
ReplyDeleteI love you always and while I am far away I am always available by phone to listen. You just need to talk and share. Keeping it all inside is not healthier nor does it help anyone else who knows you. We are all here for whatever for however long for what ever you need. The people that you love you the most are willing to do wahtever because we care, those who don't understand are to involved with theire selves to notice. I love you and Dan and the girls, take a deep breath, pick up the phone and say "Mom got a few minutes?"
ReplyDeleteI am available anytime.
ReplyDeleteErica