It used to be that there were very few conversations I would walk away from. I love to talk and listen and hear what people are thinking. I'm also always up for hearing the latest dish on people I know. Now, there are a lot of conversations I walk away from. Either I can't bear to hear them or I know that they are going to bring up painful thoughts and I try to get away before they send me down a path I don't want to travel.
Medical bills or medical troubles. I inevitably will think about the 6 inch stack of bills sitting in my basket at home. I will think I would trade your bills for strep throat or broken toe or sinus infection for Isabelle's $17856 helicopter ride or her $676 laboratory bill which included charges for a drug screen making sure we hadn't given her cocaine or meth or vicodin. I have nothing to add to this conversation so I find myself walking abruptly away. Well, nothing to add that wouldn't make everyone cringe and run away in extreme discomfort.
New moms. In general I have a very hard time being around babies and new moms. If it is someone I really care for, I will force myself to act like a normal human. But it takes every ounce of willpower I have to carry on a conversation about sleeping and teething and diapers. Occasionally I will share an Isabelle story, and then inadvertently make the entire situation awkward. I don't know if people forget about her until I remind them, or if then it occurs to them that this situation is uncomfortable for me, but it never ends well. I have also discovered that I cannot touch a baby. I used to always try to hold their fingers or nudge their pudgy cheeks, but I am now incapable of even lifting a finger in their direction. It reminds me of what I'm missing. What I wanted so badly and now do not have. It also makes my desperate struggle with wanting a baby and not wanting a baby all that more difficult.
That isn't to say that I don't just stand there in silence. Sometimes I do because to walk away would draw more attention then just standing there in silence does. So I just concentrate on a special memory and then I can usually block out the noise. My favorite go to savior memory is the first time I got to look Isabelle in the eye and talk to her. Just me and her. She had that confused newborn look. I call it the "What the f@&*k just happened to me" look. I told her that I was going to tell her a secret. "You can never tell Daddy. He was right. I thought that our family was complete. Just Me Daddy Maddy and Abbey. Daddy kept insisting that we weren't. He was right. You were waiting for us. We needed you. I am so glad he kept insisting." My favorite memory. I have a lot of great memories I keep close at hand, but that is my favorite and one that I desperately hope she can keep with her too.
Medical bills or medical troubles. I inevitably will think about the 6 inch stack of bills sitting in my basket at home. I will think I would trade your bills for strep throat or broken toe or sinus infection for Isabelle's $17856 helicopter ride or her $676 laboratory bill which included charges for a drug screen making sure we hadn't given her cocaine or meth or vicodin. I have nothing to add to this conversation so I find myself walking abruptly away. Well, nothing to add that wouldn't make everyone cringe and run away in extreme discomfort.
New moms. In general I have a very hard time being around babies and new moms. If it is someone I really care for, I will force myself to act like a normal human. But it takes every ounce of willpower I have to carry on a conversation about sleeping and teething and diapers. Occasionally I will share an Isabelle story, and then inadvertently make the entire situation awkward. I don't know if people forget about her until I remind them, or if then it occurs to them that this situation is uncomfortable for me, but it never ends well. I have also discovered that I cannot touch a baby. I used to always try to hold their fingers or nudge their pudgy cheeks, but I am now incapable of even lifting a finger in their direction. It reminds me of what I'm missing. What I wanted so badly and now do not have. It also makes my desperate struggle with wanting a baby and not wanting a baby all that more difficult.
That isn't to say that I don't just stand there in silence. Sometimes I do because to walk away would draw more attention then just standing there in silence does. So I just concentrate on a special memory and then I can usually block out the noise. My favorite go to savior memory is the first time I got to look Isabelle in the eye and talk to her. Just me and her. She had that confused newborn look. I call it the "What the f@&*k just happened to me" look. I told her that I was going to tell her a secret. "You can never tell Daddy. He was right. I thought that our family was complete. Just Me Daddy Maddy and Abbey. Daddy kept insisting that we weren't. He was right. You were waiting for us. We needed you. I am so glad he kept insisting." My favorite memory. I have a lot of great memories I keep close at hand, but that is my favorite and one that I desperately hope she can keep with her too.
I found another heads up penny yesterday. They make me smile as I believe it is God's way of reminding me that Izzy is with him and she is alright and is loving those she left here on earth.
ReplyDeleteIn church this morning, there was a newborn baby girl with her mom. I could feel the joy that surrounded this baby but I could not force myself to go over to her. I find myself reacting to new babies this way now. I'm happy for the family that they have this gift but the grief and sadness I feel that Izzy is not here is overwhelming and it is better for all if I just stay away. I love you all. Kassie
It is very common for people to be uncomfortable around new babies. People who have had fertility problems, a miscarriage, or had a loss often find it hard. I wish more people understood that and were more mindful of it.
ReplyDeleteBut even though I know that and try to be mindful, I am sure I sometimes slip up. I feel like a heel for even mentioning to you that someone else is pregnant. It slips out and then I think, "She did NOT need to hear that, Jen. Way to go!"
I know you don't want to tell your friends to stop talking about their babies or health insurance issues, but at the same time I think that with friends and family you should be able to say that a conversation is making you sad or uncomfortable and that should be enough.