So here is the thing about me and babies. I love them. I love the way they smell, their little rolls of baby pudge, the way the can focus so intently on new things. How exciting it is when they recognize your voice and then follow it. The first time they really see you and know you. Everything about babies I love.
With Maddy and Abbey I was much younger and had much less patience than I do now. I used to get so frustrated and cranky and tired. I was so snappy with them sometime and all the crying and diapers and baby stuff upset me. It was different with Izzy. Even that night she wouldn't sleep at all and was fussy all night, I didn't feel frustrated or mad or upset at all. I was just enjoying her and our time together even if she wasn't. I am glad for that. I know that if I had lost my patience or complained, that I would now feel very guilty. I do for lots of reasons, but at least not that.
I know several women who have new, or relatively new babies. I am over the moon happy for them. They are so lucky. I know they know that. They are fantastic mothers, and I am so happy to know them. Forcing myself to see them, forcing myself to smile at their stories is the hardest thing for me to do. It is so hard to hold it together when I see someone with their baby. I do it because I don't them to feel uncomfortable around me. I do it because I don't want them to feel like they can't talk about their baby around me. I do it because I want to get past this particular feeling.
When we decided to have Izzy, I said, that she was it. No more. Then when we found out we were having our third girl I was surprised when I thought, "Well, I guess I could do this again." We told everyone that we were done, but between the two of us, we left it kind of open. After all, we have a 4 bedroom house, and Izzy took the last bedroom.
So now what.
If we have another baby; people will think we're just replacing Izzy, people will think we're irresponsible for risking having another baby born with severe Factor X deficiency, people will think that we're being selfish.
If we don't; people will think that we're obsessing over Izzy's death, I will wonder what could have been, that bedroom will stay empty and will constantly remind me.
I know the answer will be that we have to do what is right for us. We have to do what will work the best for our family. I wish I knew what that was. There are days when I want to be pregnant and having a baby that it's a solid object I'm carrying around in my purse. Then there are days when I think that it's the last thing in the world I should do. Those are the days when I'm terrified by the idea that it could happen again. I can say right now, that I would not survive this a second time. I wish there were other circumstances in other families with this condition, so that I had a frame of reference, but this disorder is so rare that we are a situation alone. The fact that Maddy is completely unaffected and Abbey is so completely unaffected, and Duffy is completely unaffected, and the fact that we've made it so far down my family tree without this happening are all good positive signs. But the fear is still there. So we'll see. We're waiting until the end of the year to make a decision. And in the end, it will be our decision. The decision that is best for the 5 of us. Maybe the 6 of us.
With Maddy and Abbey I was much younger and had much less patience than I do now. I used to get so frustrated and cranky and tired. I was so snappy with them sometime and all the crying and diapers and baby stuff upset me. It was different with Izzy. Even that night she wouldn't sleep at all and was fussy all night, I didn't feel frustrated or mad or upset at all. I was just enjoying her and our time together even if she wasn't. I am glad for that. I know that if I had lost my patience or complained, that I would now feel very guilty. I do for lots of reasons, but at least not that.
I know several women who have new, or relatively new babies. I am over the moon happy for them. They are so lucky. I know they know that. They are fantastic mothers, and I am so happy to know them. Forcing myself to see them, forcing myself to smile at their stories is the hardest thing for me to do. It is so hard to hold it together when I see someone with their baby. I do it because I don't them to feel uncomfortable around me. I do it because I don't want them to feel like they can't talk about their baby around me. I do it because I want to get past this particular feeling.
When we decided to have Izzy, I said, that she was it. No more. Then when we found out we were having our third girl I was surprised when I thought, "Well, I guess I could do this again." We told everyone that we were done, but between the two of us, we left it kind of open. After all, we have a 4 bedroom house, and Izzy took the last bedroom.
So now what.
If we have another baby; people will think we're just replacing Izzy, people will think we're irresponsible for risking having another baby born with severe Factor X deficiency, people will think that we're being selfish.
If we don't; people will think that we're obsessing over Izzy's death, I will wonder what could have been, that bedroom will stay empty and will constantly remind me.
I know the answer will be that we have to do what is right for us. We have to do what will work the best for our family. I wish I knew what that was. There are days when I want to be pregnant and having a baby that it's a solid object I'm carrying around in my purse. Then there are days when I think that it's the last thing in the world I should do. Those are the days when I'm terrified by the idea that it could happen again. I can say right now, that I would not survive this a second time. I wish there were other circumstances in other families with this condition, so that I had a frame of reference, but this disorder is so rare that we are a situation alone. The fact that Maddy is completely unaffected and Abbey is so completely unaffected, and Duffy is completely unaffected, and the fact that we've made it so far down my family tree without this happening are all good positive signs. But the fear is still there. So we'll see. We're waiting until the end of the year to make a decision. And in the end, it will be our decision. The decision that is best for the 5 of us. Maybe the 6 of us.
I wish there was a person, a doctor, a friend who could help you with this. Give you the answers you need. I am Praying that you will get your answers.
ReplyDeleteErica
I don't know who these people are that will think you are replacing Izzy. She is irreplaceable and she will be missed no matter how many more kids you guys have. So if anyone thinks that, well, pooh on them (and that's putting it nicely).
ReplyDeleteYou guys have to make the decision that is right for your family. Anyone who knows you guys knows that you will think this through and do what is best for your family. It will not be a careless decision or unplanned. It will be a well-thought out, discussed decision.
I agree completely with Jen. 110%.
ReplyDeleteI have started 6 posts and deleted them all...lol. Personally, I think the last post says it all so I'm going with hers!! I told you I wasn't a very good writer. If you want someone to talk to about the mixed emotions that go along with grieving and being pregnant though, I'm your girl....just give me a ring.
ReplyDeleteI've been there, twice. And my advice to you, to hell with what everyone else will think. You are absolutely right, the decision to continue expanding your family is yours alone. No one, and I mean no one, has any right to say that having a "factor deficient child" is a bad decision. Children are a blessing...no matter what. Good luck to you and your husband. Sending *hugs* your way. :)
ReplyDeleteI think Izzy would love to be a big sister. What little girl wouldn't? Just because she is not here on earth, doesn't mean she is not with you. I would never hesitate to add a baby to a family. A baby is wonderful and amazing. All my prayers!
ReplyDelete