So here's the thing. Since I posted last (this afternoon) I have been thinking a lot about that particular post. It's personal. Maybe too personal. I thought deeply before I posted it, and then nearly took it down after I posted it. As I sit here, I'm still thinking I should take it down.
But I'm not going to.
This entire blog is personal. Very personal. I write it for myself. I write it because it helps me tremendously to get some of these thoughts out of my head. I write it hoping that it gets passed on to other women who are going through this to let them know that they are not alone and that they are not crazy. I write about the struggles Duffy and I are having, because we are having them. It is part of what we are learning to cope with.
I wouldn't be honestly sharing my experiences if I lied or sugar coated them to make them more palatable. It is what it is. If this is too painful to read, I apologize, but I am not going to censor myself in consideration of anyone's feelings.
Grief is painful and gut-wrenching and awful. When you are grieving the death of your child it is 10 million times that. As painful as this blog is to read, it is merely a shadow in comparison with the blackness that consumes my thoughts.
I think that we spend too much energy looking past grief and not enough time helping people live with their grief. While it's true that life goes on, life can never really go back to what it was before a loss. I will never be the person I was before Isabelle. Duffy will never be who he was. The course of Maddy and Abbey's lives changed forever on May 20th. Dealing with your grief, I think, means learning to integrate it into your regular life. I will always grieve for Izzy, but I can't stop the rest of my life. I can't forget Izzy was here, so to keep her with me, and to grieve for her, and to live my life, I have to meld all of these into one functioning life.
As we do that we run into walls, hurdles, speed bumps, each other and we get banged up. A lot. My hope is that we come out scarred but intact. I guess we'll have to wait, see and hope.
But I'm not going to.
This entire blog is personal. Very personal. I write it for myself. I write it because it helps me tremendously to get some of these thoughts out of my head. I write it hoping that it gets passed on to other women who are going through this to let them know that they are not alone and that they are not crazy. I write about the struggles Duffy and I are having, because we are having them. It is part of what we are learning to cope with.
I wouldn't be honestly sharing my experiences if I lied or sugar coated them to make them more palatable. It is what it is. If this is too painful to read, I apologize, but I am not going to censor myself in consideration of anyone's feelings.
Grief is painful and gut-wrenching and awful. When you are grieving the death of your child it is 10 million times that. As painful as this blog is to read, it is merely a shadow in comparison with the blackness that consumes my thoughts.
I think that we spend too much energy looking past grief and not enough time helping people live with their grief. While it's true that life goes on, life can never really go back to what it was before a loss. I will never be the person I was before Isabelle. Duffy will never be who he was. The course of Maddy and Abbey's lives changed forever on May 20th. Dealing with your grief, I think, means learning to integrate it into your regular life. I will always grieve for Izzy, but I can't stop the rest of my life. I can't forget Izzy was here, so to keep her with me, and to grieve for her, and to live my life, I have to meld all of these into one functioning life.
As we do that we run into walls, hurdles, speed bumps, each other and we get banged up. A lot. My hope is that we come out scarred but intact. I guess we'll have to wait, see and hope.
Above all, this blog is for YOU. If it gets too painful for someone to read it, they can just skip it.
ReplyDeleteI think that working through your grief in this public way will help others, too.
You will get through each and every changing day. Thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteErica