My very best friend got married this weekend. I was her matron of honor. I hate that title so I have chosen to be called MOH. Maddy and Abbey were flower girls. It was a beautiful wedding and I cried. I danced and I laughed and I had a wonderful time.
I missed Isabelle the entire time. Before the wedding, when I should have been worrying about milk leaking through my strapless dress, I wasn't. During the wedding I wanted to hear her cry and be embarassed to be the mother of someone who wouldn't be quiet for the ceremony. During the reception, I wanted to be dancing with her.
Then I thought about all of the things I won't get to do with her. I will never get to see her very first steps. I won't get to take her kindergarten shopping all by herself and then take her into Lincoln with a backpack that is as big as she is. No first Christmas on Santa's lap picture, no first lost tooth, no first date, no first heartbreak. Just wishing and imagining.
As sad as I am for myself, I'm heartbroken thinking about what Maddy and Abbey are missing out on.
I wonder sometimes if they think about her more than they talk to me about. I wonder if they think about what could have been. They would have been the absolute best big sisters ever. They were. They love her so much. They were so excited and proud and over the moon for her. They made so many plans and they had so many things they wanted to do with her.
I remember getting ready for her visitation at the funeral home and it seemed so strange to be getting so dressed up. Duffy looked at me as he was tying his tie, and said, "I thought the next time I got out this suit would be for their graduation or wedding rehearsal, not one of their funerals." And he started to cry. He had plans too. He had planned to stay home with Izzy while we all got ready and did our running. I think he was more devastated by her absence at the wedding than I was. I know he was. It would have been a day for the two of them to hang out together. He had his plans too.
I missed Isabelle the entire time. Before the wedding, when I should have been worrying about milk leaking through my strapless dress, I wasn't. During the wedding I wanted to hear her cry and be embarassed to be the mother of someone who wouldn't be quiet for the ceremony. During the reception, I wanted to be dancing with her.
Then I thought about all of the things I won't get to do with her. I will never get to see her very first steps. I won't get to take her kindergarten shopping all by herself and then take her into Lincoln with a backpack that is as big as she is. No first Christmas on Santa's lap picture, no first lost tooth, no first date, no first heartbreak. Just wishing and imagining.
As sad as I am for myself, I'm heartbroken thinking about what Maddy and Abbey are missing out on.
I wonder sometimes if they think about her more than they talk to me about. I wonder if they think about what could have been. They would have been the absolute best big sisters ever. They were. They love her so much. They were so excited and proud and over the moon for her. They made so many plans and they had so many things they wanted to do with her.
I remember getting ready for her visitation at the funeral home and it seemed so strange to be getting so dressed up. Duffy looked at me as he was tying his tie, and said, "I thought the next time I got out this suit would be for their graduation or wedding rehearsal, not one of their funerals." And he started to cry. He had plans too. He had planned to stay home with Izzy while we all got ready and did our running. I think he was more devastated by her absence at the wedding than I was. I know he was. It would have been a day for the two of them to hang out together. He had his plans too.
Duffy talked to us a bit about what his plans had been. The more I get to know him, the more I love him. He really is a big marshmallow and he really loves his girls.
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