All this time I thought that I was handling things pretty well. I shower on a regular basis. I get up and go to work. I take care of my girls. I still act as troop leader for both Girl Scout troops. I managed to host a birthday party sleepover. I was the matron of honor in my best friend's wedding. I cry sometimes. Sometimes I am so mad I feel like hitting something. I have read every book about grieving I can lay my hands on, and it seems as though I am not doing or saying or feeling anything that other mothers haven't felt, said and done before when faced with the loss of their child.
I feel as though I have worked very hard to be as considerate of other's feelings as humanly possible. I am not capable of comforting my family right now. I try, but I just don't feel it. When it comes to that particular emotion, I feel dead inside when I try to do it. When it's Duffy and the girls, I can hold them and cry with them, but for anyone else, I don't even think I can fake it, so I haven't. Since I can't say anything for them, I haven't spent much time talking to them. I thought they were understanding.
Imagine my surprise when I learned this weekend that that approach is unacceptable. Apparently it is inconsiderate to not put forth the effort to make sure they feel okay about my daughter's death. Apparently I have been hurting their feelings. Apparently it is unacceptable for me to be upset that they repeatedly dismiss my feelings. Apparently it is okay for them to critique our decisions regarding our grief and packing up her things. Apparently it is also okay for someone to come into my home and say that the reason we haven't moved on is because Isabelle's things are still in the house. Apparently it is not okay for me to not be more considerate. Imagine my surprise.
Isabelle Christine Duffy is my daughter. She will be my daughter for as long as I continue to draw breath on this earth, and when I draw my last, I will again be with her for all eternity, because she will always be my daughter. She will always have a place in this house. Her things will always have a place in this house. If I want her swing to be in the living room because it makes me smile to remember how much fun it was to put it together with Maddy and Abbey and it makes them smile to remember watching Isabelle swing, then by God it will remain there until we are ready to move it.
If I packed up her things and hid them in the basement, or sold them or donated them, it wouldn't change the fact that I miss her every day. It wouldn't change the fact that my heart is in pieces. It wouldn't change the fact that we are all hurting. It changes nothing. It only makes me feel like I'm trying to forget her. I have put many of her things away. This weekend I closed her room so no one from the party would go in. I haven't opened the door yet. It may be a while before I do.
I tried explaining to my father in law that most days it takes all the energy I have to get out of bed and function for myself and the girls. I don't have any energy left for anyone or anything else. Anyone who really cares about us, has to understand that and allow us space and time.
This has been my mode of operation for over 4 months now. After the family fiasco this weekend, I think it's time to say goodbye to the Niki who was trying to do what was right for her. Nothing is working for me right now anyway so why should I pretend to be focused on myself and my girls. It have been told that I'm only driving away people who care about me. I'm not being a good person, friend, daughter or niece. I only notice what people are doing wrong. I'm not understanding enough about what other people feel. I'm negative. I'm selfish. I'm depressing. I'm neurotic. I'm in need of medication.
So today I say goodbye to the Niki I've known and gotten used to. Starting today I wear my game face all the time. Starting right now, I work to be a good friend and person and that means anticipating needs before they are expressed. Stifling my feelings in order to take care of others. Today Pots and Pans Niki will be joined by Regular Niki in the depths of my mind and only Public Niki will be available. You can leave messages for Regular Niki but she most likely will be unable to return them for fear that she may try and make an escape.
I feel as though I have worked very hard to be as considerate of other's feelings as humanly possible. I am not capable of comforting my family right now. I try, but I just don't feel it. When it comes to that particular emotion, I feel dead inside when I try to do it. When it's Duffy and the girls, I can hold them and cry with them, but for anyone else, I don't even think I can fake it, so I haven't. Since I can't say anything for them, I haven't spent much time talking to them. I thought they were understanding.
Imagine my surprise when I learned this weekend that that approach is unacceptable. Apparently it is inconsiderate to not put forth the effort to make sure they feel okay about my daughter's death. Apparently I have been hurting their feelings. Apparently it is unacceptable for me to be upset that they repeatedly dismiss my feelings. Apparently it is okay for them to critique our decisions regarding our grief and packing up her things. Apparently it is also okay for someone to come into my home and say that the reason we haven't moved on is because Isabelle's things are still in the house. Apparently it is not okay for me to not be more considerate. Imagine my surprise.
Isabelle Christine Duffy is my daughter. She will be my daughter for as long as I continue to draw breath on this earth, and when I draw my last, I will again be with her for all eternity, because she will always be my daughter. She will always have a place in this house. Her things will always have a place in this house. If I want her swing to be in the living room because it makes me smile to remember how much fun it was to put it together with Maddy and Abbey and it makes them smile to remember watching Isabelle swing, then by God it will remain there until we are ready to move it.
If I packed up her things and hid them in the basement, or sold them or donated them, it wouldn't change the fact that I miss her every day. It wouldn't change the fact that my heart is in pieces. It wouldn't change the fact that we are all hurting. It changes nothing. It only makes me feel like I'm trying to forget her. I have put many of her things away. This weekend I closed her room so no one from the party would go in. I haven't opened the door yet. It may be a while before I do.
I tried explaining to my father in law that most days it takes all the energy I have to get out of bed and function for myself and the girls. I don't have any energy left for anyone or anything else. Anyone who really cares about us, has to understand that and allow us space and time.
This has been my mode of operation for over 4 months now. After the family fiasco this weekend, I think it's time to say goodbye to the Niki who was trying to do what was right for her. Nothing is working for me right now anyway so why should I pretend to be focused on myself and my girls. It have been told that I'm only driving away people who care about me. I'm not being a good person, friend, daughter or niece. I only notice what people are doing wrong. I'm not understanding enough about what other people feel. I'm negative. I'm selfish. I'm depressing. I'm neurotic. I'm in need of medication.
So today I say goodbye to the Niki I've known and gotten used to. Starting today I wear my game face all the time. Starting right now, I work to be a good friend and person and that means anticipating needs before they are expressed. Stifling my feelings in order to take care of others. Today Pots and Pans Niki will be joined by Regular Niki in the depths of my mind and only Public Niki will be available. You can leave messages for Regular Niki but she most likely will be unable to return them for fear that she may try and make an escape.
If any of your Nikis need to vent, let me know. There are rooms at my house where you can stay hidden for days. I will hide you and drive the kids places and tell your work that you have the flu and everyone can make their own damned peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and all the meetings can be canceled for a week or two. Love you.
ReplyDeletePeople who are judging you in this situation should do several things: 1) shut up immediately 2) consider, if they're capable, for one second what their selfishness and narcissism sounds like, and 3) accept the fact that this is not about them. This is about you and Duffy and Maddy and Abbey, and the new meanings your lives have taken on because of Isabelle. We all lost Isabelle, but you are her mother. You can do whatever you want. People who are too ignorant to understand that don't deserve to have any Niki in their lives.
ReplyDeleteI read this last night before bed and I've been thinking about it since. I am never sure what to say, but one thing kept coming back to me. You asked Julia to tell you if became the sad girl who made everyone sad. I know this isn't quite the same, but she is still a good judge. So I think that unless it comes from Julia, you should ignore it. Of all the people who love you and care about you, I think that Duffy and Julia are the ones who know you best. They know your mind, your heart, your soul. If anything you do is wrong or crazy (that's not to say that anything has been even close to wrong or crazy up to now), they will tell you and they will tell you out of love and with kindness. And they will STILL love you.
ReplyDeleteDoing all the things you normally do is a lot even under the best of circumstances. I remember the list on the fridge of all the things that had to be done the week Izzy was born, and that only covered a few days of the things you do. I would not be surprised if you needed to hole up at Julia's for a week or longer. If you want or need to fall apart, there are plenty of people who will be there to catch you and to take care of the things and people you usually take care of.
I think the fact that you even think about others who are grieving, even if it's just acknowledging it, is more than enough. I personally feel that expecting YOU to comfort anyone else, other than Duffy and the girls, is incredibly selfish. You said everyone has to find their own path through their grief and that is so true. And the grown-ups can find their path without you holding their hands.
I love you and I know Tom and the kids do, too.
I have stated and will continue to state that everyone has feelings, everyone grieves in their own way, their own time. Nothing that you Duffy or the girls have done, didn't do; said didn't say is right nor wrong as long as it fits you. the same applies to others as well. I have told you for months that whatever you need for me to do I would do it. I haven't changed that in anyway nor will I. I still stand behind you, Duffy and the girls with all my heart, love and offer that whatever, when ever I will be there if you call. Only the 4 of you know what is right for you and as long as you hold onto each other than it is good. I did not realize that immediate family was making you feel uncomfortable but if your wishes were we were not around than you simply just had to say so and not remain silent. I love you always m
ReplyDeleteSweet Niki, you are on the go every second of your life. You truly do need to just STOP if only for a little while and allow time to grieve. You have tried to be soo strong for your girls and everyone around you that you have forgotten about you! I think about you daily and pray that The Lord Jesus will help you to find your way through this trying time. Please know that we care so much about you and your family and we understand completly that you need your space and own time to grieve.
ReplyDelete"Dear Lord, I come to you tonight with the Duffy family on my heart. Niki and Duffy and those beautiful girls of theirs need you Dear Lord, they need you to wrap your arms around them and to help them to understand what or where they go from the new path that has been laid for them Dear Lord. Please speak to them day and night, assuring them that Izzy is safe in your arms and that they will see her when you call them to heaven. Until then Dear Lord help them to get through their lives just knowing their is peace to be found in you! When they fall pick them up and carry them, let them know your there Dear Lord. I thank you for these things and in JESUS name I pray, Amen."
With all my LOVE!! Hang in there Nikki!
I have to say that seriously, anyone who tells you that the way you are grieving is WRONG, is not someone that you need to be worrying yourself about, family member or not! Anyone who knows anything about grief knows that everyone grieves differently. I think that this blog is one of the best things you can do for yourself! And, I'm not sure if my opinion is all that important or not, but my opinion is that right now, if your body tells you that it's hard to get up and you can only do it for Duffy and the girls, then you do that and screw anyone else!
ReplyDeleteYou dear girl. I feel so sad for you that there are people judging you during this time. I think of you as being so courageous. How can we judge...those of us who have not had to walk in your shoes. Shame on them for being so self centered and expecting you to carry the burden of their grief, as well as your own. I can think of few things we go through as human beings that can ever compare emotionally to what you, Dan, and your girls are experiencing every day since Izzy's death. I am so proud that you are one of my treasured daughters.
ReplyDeleteWe've only just met recently, but I love all the Niki's. I would hang out, talk, cry, argue, yell, fight, laugh, or sit in silence with any of them.
ReplyDelete