I have learned lots of things about loss and grieving. Most of the lessons I share here. The one that I'm currently working on is finding the balance between, "My daughter just died you jackass, and you want me to work 7 days a week, you insensitive prick?" and (little voice in my own head) "Do not use that as an excuse, what sort of woman uses that as an excuse for being disorganized and too out of it to do things normally?"
It's so hard. I can't stay focused. I don't have the energy to do the things I normally do. In truth, I don't have the desire to do them. But people are still asking, and the calendar just keeps turning, so I guess that means it's time to do things. Then when I think about explaining why I don't want to do something, I'm afraid people will think that I'm using Izzy to get out of something and I'm more afraid of that, then of adding more stress to my life.
If I never had to leave my house again, I would be perfectly fine. If the four of us could hole up somewhere together, I would have everything I need. I want only to be with the four people who complete me. Three, three people that I CAN be with. (I actually inadvertently just typed 4, I did, I can't believe I still just typed 4, like I could really include her.)
I know I shouldn't care what people think. I do, I'm wired that way. I worry about how people perceive me. I do so many things wrong, I just want this to be something that I do right. I want to get this right for Izzy and Maddy and Abbey and Duffy, because if I get this wrong, I can screw things up for some very perfectly fabulous people. I have to get this loss and grieving thing right. So could someone look over this blog to date and tell me what to do next?
It's so hard. I can't stay focused. I don't have the energy to do the things I normally do. In truth, I don't have the desire to do them. But people are still asking, and the calendar just keeps turning, so I guess that means it's time to do things. Then when I think about explaining why I don't want to do something, I'm afraid people will think that I'm using Izzy to get out of something and I'm more afraid of that, then of adding more stress to my life.
If I never had to leave my house again, I would be perfectly fine. If the four of us could hole up somewhere together, I would have everything I need. I want only to be with the four people who complete me. Three, three people that I CAN be with. (I actually inadvertently just typed 4, I did, I can't believe I still just typed 4, like I could really include her.)
I know I shouldn't care what people think. I do, I'm wired that way. I worry about how people perceive me. I do so many things wrong, I just want this to be something that I do right. I want to get this right for Izzy and Maddy and Abbey and Duffy, because if I get this wrong, I can screw things up for some very perfectly fabulous people. I have to get this loss and grieving thing right. So could someone look over this blog to date and tell me what to do next?
Niki, I've been hearing a lot from you about things you're doing wrong. People make mistakes. Lots of people. Everybody. Even that super-cool friend who is always impeccably dressed and seems to have it all together. And especially me. The thing is, we love you so much that even if one of your mistakes involves us, we don't view it as "something Niki did wrong." I don't know what it is, but something changes when you love someone, where you're willing to completely overlook (and indeed often don't even notice)things that those people do or don't do. That's because when you love someone, it's not a mistake they made, so much as something we'll work through together until we get it right. You have a gajillion people who love you and are willing to work through things with you until we all get it right. I know that these aren't magic words that will make you immediately feel better and stop blaming yourself when you do make mistakes, but I just wanted you to know that every time you say, "add to the list of things I've done wrong," I get confused. Because really, so far, I can't think of anything you've done wrong, because I'm so blinded by all the things you've done right. Love you.
ReplyDeleteJulia said it so perfectly... You are loved and accepted no matter what and there are no right or wrong ways to grieve. You do what is best for you and the rest will fall into place. <3
ReplyDelete-Angie
You are so strong. As someone on the outside looking in, you are doing everything right. You are so much stronger then you give yourself credit. Baby Izzy will never be gone because your family carries her with you all. I can feel the love through your words. Bleeding disorders are scary, I know this first hand. You are getting so much awareness out there because of your precious daughter! xoxo
ReplyDeleteDitto what Julia said!! Keep getting the word about about Izzy and you are doing the right thing. We all love all of the Duffy's!!
ReplyDeleteI can say that I don't care much what strangers think about me, but I do care deeply about the opinions of those I love. So while it would be easy to say you shouldn't care, it would also be a silly thing to say.
ReplyDeleteBut I also think Julia is so right. When people love you, they love you. And if their love is conditional, then that sucks. I love you. If I ask you to do something and you can't or don't want to, I want you to say that you can't do it. I hope that you will if that is how you feel.
And if I can help in any way, let me know. If I can pick the girls up and that lessens your burden, then please let me help.
Grief comes in waves. Anyone who has gone through it knows. When my mother died my hair fell out in patches, I couldn't stop crying and I wasn't right for quite some time. I didn't go to work. But everybody understood. We understand. We love you. Yes, there are 4.
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