So if you hear about a girl at the movies who totally lost it at the end and had to leave because she was crying about Dobby. It was me. I did, but it really wasn't Harry Potter.
At 9pm 6 months ago, Izzy was having a brain surgery that would prove to be pointless. 6 months ago, I was sitting in a small waiting room, numb. Trying very hard to comprehend something that is incomprehensible. How could my daughter who was just 21 days old. Just now 9 pounds. Just now able to focus her eyes on her mobile. Brain dead. I nursed her just 4 and a half hours ago. I took her on a walk last night. No. It's just not possible. All of you people are wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. That was 6 months ago.
So stupid me went to see Harry Potter with some friends. I was very excited all day today. Duffy stayed home with the girls. I was going out alone. Yay me. I didn't think that.....I didn't realize that the deaths in the movie would hit me so hard. It did, and I couldn't sit quietly in the theater. I ran out to the bathroom and sobbed as quietly as I could. Thank god their hand dryers are so freakishly loud.
It's 10:30 now. 6 months ago, Duffy and I left my Aunt and Mom in charge of Izzy while we caught a quick nap. While we were napping, Izzy's blood pressure kept crashing. She kept bleeding into her brain. Her lungs began to bleed and collapse. After about 30 minutes of tossing around. We got up. We met with the Dr's again, and were told that she was exhibiting only the most basic neurological function, and that she had zero chance of any real life. She then became incapable of maintaining her body temperature, and blood pressure. We sat quietly together, and without having to speak, we knew what we had to do. We have always known what we would do for each other, and now we had to be strong for our daughter.
We made it very clear that we wanted to donate her organs. That took some time, and then we learned that because she was so small, she could only donate her heart valves. Izzy's primary doctor, Penny Sandeford, was in tears when she told us.
We called Duffy's parents. We called Dr. Lockard. At at 5:47 the next morning May 20th, we stopped all medical intervention except pain management.
I see her often when I close my eyes. On days like these I see her as she was at the end. It makes me want to gouge out that part of my brain, so I can forget that. On days like these I want to punch someone. I want to make the world know how much I hurt. I want to scream and never stop, because the pain will never stop. She is gone forever and she's never coming back. I need her. I want her. Why can't I have her?
At 9pm 6 months ago, Izzy was having a brain surgery that would prove to be pointless. 6 months ago, I was sitting in a small waiting room, numb. Trying very hard to comprehend something that is incomprehensible. How could my daughter who was just 21 days old. Just now 9 pounds. Just now able to focus her eyes on her mobile. Brain dead. I nursed her just 4 and a half hours ago. I took her on a walk last night. No. It's just not possible. All of you people are wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. That was 6 months ago.
So stupid me went to see Harry Potter with some friends. I was very excited all day today. Duffy stayed home with the girls. I was going out alone. Yay me. I didn't think that.....I didn't realize that the deaths in the movie would hit me so hard. It did, and I couldn't sit quietly in the theater. I ran out to the bathroom and sobbed as quietly as I could. Thank god their hand dryers are so freakishly loud.
It's 10:30 now. 6 months ago, Duffy and I left my Aunt and Mom in charge of Izzy while we caught a quick nap. While we were napping, Izzy's blood pressure kept crashing. She kept bleeding into her brain. Her lungs began to bleed and collapse. After about 30 minutes of tossing around. We got up. We met with the Dr's again, and were told that she was exhibiting only the most basic neurological function, and that she had zero chance of any real life. She then became incapable of maintaining her body temperature, and blood pressure. We sat quietly together, and without having to speak, we knew what we had to do. We have always known what we would do for each other, and now we had to be strong for our daughter.
We made it very clear that we wanted to donate her organs. That took some time, and then we learned that because she was so small, she could only donate her heart valves. Izzy's primary doctor, Penny Sandeford, was in tears when she told us.
We called Duffy's parents. We called Dr. Lockard. At at 5:47 the next morning May 20th, we stopped all medical intervention except pain management.
I see her often when I close my eyes. On days like these I see her as she was at the end. It makes me want to gouge out that part of my brain, so I can forget that. On days like these I want to punch someone. I want to make the world know how much I hurt. I want to scream and never stop, because the pain will never stop. She is gone forever and she's never coming back. I need her. I want her. Why can't I have her?
You don't know me. I'm a grad student who sucks at writing her thesis. Not sure I'm gonna finish it. I am good at teaching, but might never get a teaching job. I sucked at marriage, so I moved out, and now I suck at being single, so we might get back together. When I was pregnant, I so wanted a natural delivery, but ended up with an epidural and a c-section. I didn't produce milk. I have a happy child, but I don't know if that's because I am a good mom, or because so many other awesome people around me are part of his life. I gained too much weight and cannot get it off. I feel so sorry for myself because I just suck at everything.
ReplyDeleteThen I read your blog, and I feel so incredibly ashamed. And I take a deep breath and suck it up an count my blessings. You don't know me, but you are one of the most awe-inspiring people I have ever (not) met.
I know this really doesn't help you, but I wanted to say it anyway.
Mary