I found myself in the card aisle at Wal-Mart tonight. I was looking for a sympathy card. A family that is very dear to me suffered a terrible loss. A wonderful woman lost her husband today, and an amazing young woman lost her father.
So I find myself looking for a card. I think I picked up and put back every single card they had. I kept thinking, no, that's not right, not that one. Not a single card said what I wanted to convey. Then I realize, there isn't a single damn card with the right words because there are no right words. There aren't words to make them feel better. There aren't words to take the pain away. There are no fucking words in the English language that make it better or make sense. There just aren't.
I know this. So why am I surprised and taken aback when I remember?
I know that in the next week they'll be overwhelmed with food and love and cards and hugs and the words "We are so sorry. If there is anything we can do, please let us know. You are in our thoughts and prayers." Those are the words we have. It's the best we can do. I've said it myself a thousand times. I genuinely mean it when I say it. Everyone means it when they say it. But they're still just words.
So I pick up a card. Actually I get 2. I know they won't help. I know they will be a blur of words and paper. I'm not sending the card to make them feel better. I'm sending a card to let them know that I'm there. I am sending those cards to let them know that I will hold their hand, and walk for a mile or to the moon with them if that is what they need. I am sending the cards because my own words fail me. Even now, when I know what they're feeling, even now, I find myself thinking "We are so sorry. If there is anything we can do, please let us know. You are in our thoughts and prayers." Those are the words we have.
Sometimes, there just aren't any words.
So I find myself looking for a card. I think I picked up and put back every single card they had. I kept thinking, no, that's not right, not that one. Not a single card said what I wanted to convey. Then I realize, there isn't a single damn card with the right words because there are no right words. There aren't words to make them feel better. There aren't words to take the pain away. There are no fucking words in the English language that make it better or make sense. There just aren't.
I know this. So why am I surprised and taken aback when I remember?
I know that in the next week they'll be overwhelmed with food and love and cards and hugs and the words "We are so sorry. If there is anything we can do, please let us know. You are in our thoughts and prayers." Those are the words we have. It's the best we can do. I've said it myself a thousand times. I genuinely mean it when I say it. Everyone means it when they say it. But they're still just words.
So I pick up a card. Actually I get 2. I know they won't help. I know they will be a blur of words and paper. I'm not sending the card to make them feel better. I'm sending a card to let them know that I'm there. I am sending those cards to let them know that I will hold their hand, and walk for a mile or to the moon with them if that is what they need. I am sending the cards because my own words fail me. Even now, when I know what they're feeling, even now, I find myself thinking "We are so sorry. If there is anything we can do, please let us know. You are in our thoughts and prayers." Those are the words we have.
Sometimes, there just aren't any words.
You're so right, Niki. The words in the cards aren't enough but it was remarkable how comforting I found it that people would care enough about what was happening to our family when Izzy died to take the time to send them to me. I'll never not send a card. Kassie
ReplyDeleteYou are right that there are not words that can convey the heartfelt emotions that people share when someone you love passes this life into another one. Yet a card, a hug the mere presence of someone doing something, being there is what counts and is what a person remembers long after the intital "shock" has worn off and we find ourselves back in the reality of life faced with having to go on with out our special someone and it is in that moment we reached out to the person or persons who helped us get over that time to now remember it with warmth and share that memory togeather. I love you, Dan, Madeline & Abigail. M
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