I had another visitation to go to last night. Same funeral home, same anxiety, different weather.
I planned ahead this time and made plans to go with two friends, so I didn't freeze up in the car.
This time, the visitation was for the mother of a very sweet girl who taught my daughter's dance team. She is a senior in High School and her sister is in the eighth grade. It broke my heart when I saw the two of them standing together greeting the hundreds of people that came to say goodbye to their mother. I offer my condolences which seem woefully inadequate. I look at the pictures of their family, happy, intact and now just a memory. There are flowers everywhere and people everywhere, and I cry.
There are so many thoughts in my mind, that I'm overwhelmed and I get out of there as quickly as I politely can. Gretchen and I get in the car and then we both lose it a little. I tell her that I had been thinking about K all day. How unfair it was that she was about to graduate from High School and go to college and start her own life, and now she had to do it all without her mom. Gretchen said the same and that she thought how unfair it was that the only words we had to say were "I'm so sorry for your loss and if you need anything call." Those words just suck, they are so inadequate, and how do you make sure they know that you really mean it. You really want to help, you want them to call.
Gretchen asked me, "Who is going to take her shopping for her prom dress?"
I said, "who's going to help her get ready on her wedding day, hold her hand when she has a baby, be a 2am phone call away when the baby won't sleep?"
It was quiet for a minute, and I told Gretchen, I want her to be there for Madeline and Abigail if they need her.
It made me think about all my friends, and all the things they could do for my girls if I couldn't. Julia, Julie, Kris, Gretchen, Holly, Michelle, Shannon, some of the best women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I am honored to call them my friends, and I know without hesitation, they would step in and do whatever I needed.
After I dropped Gretchen off, I called Duffy to let him know I'd be home shortly. We talked about how horrible it must be for them all to have to face life without their mom and wife. We talked about how lucky we were, and how relieved we are.
Just yesterday, I was at the doctor having a suspicious lump checked out, and being me was in a near panic all day. I thought worst case scenario, and was contemplating if I'd just be bold and be bald or if I'd get a wig or wear a scarf. Duffy had on his game face, but admitted later that he was freaking out all day. (Thank god! I was secretly alarmed that he wasn't more concerned).
I thought about how much I would miss my girls, and how much I would miss out on, and the thought of them without me and having to shave their legs for the first time, and get first kisses, and break curfew and learn to drive without me, nearly brought me to my knees. That's a thought I am not equipped to handle, so I'm putting in the vault, never to be let out again.
I planned ahead this time and made plans to go with two friends, so I didn't freeze up in the car.
This time, the visitation was for the mother of a very sweet girl who taught my daughter's dance team. She is a senior in High School and her sister is in the eighth grade. It broke my heart when I saw the two of them standing together greeting the hundreds of people that came to say goodbye to their mother. I offer my condolences which seem woefully inadequate. I look at the pictures of their family, happy, intact and now just a memory. There are flowers everywhere and people everywhere, and I cry.
There are so many thoughts in my mind, that I'm overwhelmed and I get out of there as quickly as I politely can. Gretchen and I get in the car and then we both lose it a little. I tell her that I had been thinking about K all day. How unfair it was that she was about to graduate from High School and go to college and start her own life, and now she had to do it all without her mom. Gretchen said the same and that she thought how unfair it was that the only words we had to say were "I'm so sorry for your loss and if you need anything call." Those words just suck, they are so inadequate, and how do you make sure they know that you really mean it. You really want to help, you want them to call.
Gretchen asked me, "Who is going to take her shopping for her prom dress?"
I said, "who's going to help her get ready on her wedding day, hold her hand when she has a baby, be a 2am phone call away when the baby won't sleep?"
It was quiet for a minute, and I told Gretchen, I want her to be there for Madeline and Abigail if they need her.
It made me think about all my friends, and all the things they could do for my girls if I couldn't. Julia, Julie, Kris, Gretchen, Holly, Michelle, Shannon, some of the best women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I am honored to call them my friends, and I know without hesitation, they would step in and do whatever I needed.
After I dropped Gretchen off, I called Duffy to let him know I'd be home shortly. We talked about how horrible it must be for them all to have to face life without their mom and wife. We talked about how lucky we were, and how relieved we are.
Just yesterday, I was at the doctor having a suspicious lump checked out, and being me was in a near panic all day. I thought worst case scenario, and was contemplating if I'd just be bold and be bald or if I'd get a wig or wear a scarf. Duffy had on his game face, but admitted later that he was freaking out all day. (Thank god! I was secretly alarmed that he wasn't more concerned).
I thought about how much I would miss my girls, and how much I would miss out on, and the thought of them without me and having to shave their legs for the first time, and get first kisses, and break curfew and learn to drive without me, nearly brought me to my knees. That's a thought I am not equipped to handle, so I'm putting in the vault, never to be let out again.
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