I still miss her. I know that I don't spend my days weeping over the loss of my beautiful perfect daughter, but I do miss her. I miss her every morning. I miss her everytime I see a baby about her age. I miss her every time I walk by her room. I miss her.
When anyone asks me how I can be so strong. Or how I can go on about normal things, I wonder if that means they think I'm doing this wrong. I wonder if I'm doing this wrong. Shouldn't I be medicated? Shouldn't I be crazy with grief? Shouldn't I be doing something besides laughing and having girls night and worrying about dance costumes and softball registration?
I love her. I love her with my entire heart and being. I do. I hope that every single individual I encounter knows that I would trade places with her in a second. I would give up anything and everything excluding on Madeline and Abigail to have her back. I would. I offer God every night the opportunity to change his mind. He has yet to take me up on my offer.
I remember at Christmas time, Duffy and I were talking about our decision not to give each other gifts. He said, "I think you're going to have a really great Christmas." I immediately thought, "He found a way to bring Izzy back."
I was shocked that that was where my mind went. Shocked. That is my dearest wish, but I thought that logically, my brain knew what my heart still refuses to know. She is gone. She can't come back. She is gone. She can't come back. I should really stop wishing. But maybe just maybe, God will get tired of telling me no.
When anyone asks me how I can be so strong. Or how I can go on about normal things, I wonder if that means they think I'm doing this wrong. I wonder if I'm doing this wrong. Shouldn't I be medicated? Shouldn't I be crazy with grief? Shouldn't I be doing something besides laughing and having girls night and worrying about dance costumes and softball registration?
I love her. I love her with my entire heart and being. I do. I hope that every single individual I encounter knows that I would trade places with her in a second. I would give up anything and everything excluding on Madeline and Abigail to have her back. I would. I offer God every night the opportunity to change his mind. He has yet to take me up on my offer.
I remember at Christmas time, Duffy and I were talking about our decision not to give each other gifts. He said, "I think you're going to have a really great Christmas." I immediately thought, "He found a way to bring Izzy back."
I was shocked that that was where my mind went. Shocked. That is my dearest wish, but I thought that logically, my brain knew what my heart still refuses to know. She is gone. She can't come back. She is gone. She can't come back. I should really stop wishing. But maybe just maybe, God will get tired of telling me no.
No. You're doing it perfectly. You need to laugh, and love, and live. You need to do that to regenerate, so you have the energy to keep the memory of this perfect little girl alive, to spread her word, to make her mark. By not breaking down constantly, by not being medicated, by embracing life, you are the best mother you could possibly be, to all three of your daughters.
ReplyDeleteRica
Grief is individual, and no one can question your own process. Do it your way, not anyone else's.
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