It's March 29th. In one month, we will be marking Isabelle's first birthday. I should be planning her birthday party. Instead I am planning a blood drive. I hate that.
Actually, as I look at those words on paper, they don't begin to convey the rage I feel at that.
I FUCKING HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could scream it from the rooftops and I still can't make you feel my rage and pain and hate. I hate YOU!! YOU took her, without a thought or care about how it would devastate my entire world. How it makes me question every single decision I make because now I see what can happen when I get things wrong. How can YOU love me and hate me so much all at once? How can YOU introduce death into the lives of three such wonderful girls, who should still be innocent of such things? I am so full of anger and confusion and rage that I can't possibly hold it all in, so I am going to let it out, before it taints the rest of my life.
I am so mad today. So mad, I couldn't think of anything else for a good portion of the day. It's so unfair, it's so cruel, it's so wrong. Why me? Why Maddy, Abbey, Duffy? What did we do? Why can't we have her back? Why can't we have a birthday party instead of a blood drive.
Actually, as I look at those words on paper, they don't begin to convey the rage I feel at that.
I FUCKING HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could scream it from the rooftops and I still can't make you feel my rage and pain and hate. I hate YOU!! YOU took her, without a thought or care about how it would devastate my entire world. How it makes me question every single decision I make because now I see what can happen when I get things wrong. How can YOU love me and hate me so much all at once? How can YOU introduce death into the lives of three such wonderful girls, who should still be innocent of such things? I am so full of anger and confusion and rage that I can't possibly hold it all in, so I am going to let it out, before it taints the rest of my life.
I am so mad today. So mad, I couldn't think of anything else for a good portion of the day. It's so unfair, it's so cruel, it's so wrong. Why me? Why Maddy, Abbey, Duffy? What did we do? Why can't we have her back? Why can't we have a birthday party instead of a blood drive.
Don't have words to make anything better, but I am sending hugs. I so wish there was something I could do to help or make it better, but unfortunately I already know the answer to that. You have so many people who love you and your precious family, and are here for you NO MATTER WHAT. We love you soooo much. Sending my love today and everyday.
ReplyDeleteKerri
You know, I didn't say it in my messages, but I thought about Izzy all day yesterday. I couldn't believe it should have been her 11 month birthday, and I thought about how unfair it was. I wanted to see you, to give you a hug. Love you.
ReplyDeleteGuess what? Its ok to be angry...and sad...and frustrated...and miserable...and anything else you are feeling!! They are ALL normal emotions for where you are at and I'm glad you are able to share them. People who hold them in go "all postal" at really weird times, like when someone looks at them wrong. Not that I've ever done that..oh.no...lol
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