I wonder often about other grieving mothers. I wonder what they do with their grief when they don't have answers. I wonder how they move on when they don't know why they've lost their child. I have a face for my anger. It is Factor X and the extreme lack of attention to and recognition of bleeding disorders. I have something to focus my energies on. What if I didn't?
What if Dr. Lockard came to me after Isabelle died and said, "I'm so sorry, we just don't know what happened?" I don't think I would be in the place I am now. I think I would still be lost and looking for answers. I know I wouldn't be able to speak of her without falling apart. I do still on occasion, but the pain is not so sharp.
But what if I was always wondering why? What if I couldn't be sure that I hadn't done something to cause her death? I'm not sure I could ever move on. And yes, I think I have moved on, but I really hate those words. It makes me think I'm leaving her behind. I will never. She will be with me everywhere I go and in everything I do everyday of my life. But I'm in a good place. I still miss her intensely. I know I always will. There will always be a part of my family missing, and that will always hurt. But now I can speak of her without crying. I can visit her without falling apart. I can tell her story to strangers, and feel good knowing that I could make a difference. I hope I can. I hope that I can be a good person and make my daughter proud. Make my daughters proud. And ensure my place in Heaven with Isabelle.
What if Dr. Lockard came to me after Isabelle died and said, "I'm so sorry, we just don't know what happened?" I don't think I would be in the place I am now. I think I would still be lost and looking for answers. I know I wouldn't be able to speak of her without falling apart. I do still on occasion, but the pain is not so sharp.
But what if I was always wondering why? What if I couldn't be sure that I hadn't done something to cause her death? I'm not sure I could ever move on. And yes, I think I have moved on, but I really hate those words. It makes me think I'm leaving her behind. I will never. She will be with me everywhere I go and in everything I do everyday of my life. But I'm in a good place. I still miss her intensely. I know I always will. There will always be a part of my family missing, and that will always hurt. But now I can speak of her without crying. I can visit her without falling apart. I can tell her story to strangers, and feel good knowing that I could make a difference. I hope I can. I hope that I can be a good person and make my daughter proud. Make my daughters proud. And ensure my place in Heaven with Isabelle.
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