Here we are, rapidly approaching Friday the 29th of April. It's here, and I'm excited about that because the blood drive is going to be an amazing event, and we are going to fill up their blood bank and help people. I feel good about that, I'm proud of my community and friends for really getting behind this.
On the other hand, I feel so resentful and hateful and downright furious about this. I don't understand why I'm still so mad. I thought I had done that phase of grief. I thought I was done with feeling angry and bitter. I thought by now I'd be able to see babies without feeling empty inside. Apparently not.
Everyone keeps telling me how amazing this is. How wonderful it is that we are remembering Izzy this way. How strong we must be for doing this and getting up every day. I don't see it. Isn't this what anyone would do? Wouldn't you make sure that no one forgot your daughter? Maybe I don't feel proud because deep down I resent that I have to do this. I don't know. I probably won't get an answer to this one. So I smile and take the compliment, but I just don't see it.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of what has happened. I'll walk by her room and see all the neat little things we had for her that she never got to use. I'll see the little things she did use and ache to be able to do it again. Sometimes I want to throw it all away, but then I could never have it back. Last week I opened up her keepsake box and smelled her blanket for an hour. I looked through all of her pictures and touched her clothes. I wish now that I hadn't washed anything of hers ever.
I still have a closet full of diapers and wipes because I can't bear to give any of it away. I see all the gifts we received and I feel guilty because someone bought them for us and we couldn't use them.
I know that missing her will never go away. I know that the emptiness will always be there. But why does the pain and rage have to stay?
On the other hand, I feel so resentful and hateful and downright furious about this. I don't understand why I'm still so mad. I thought I had done that phase of grief. I thought I was done with feeling angry and bitter. I thought by now I'd be able to see babies without feeling empty inside. Apparently not.
Everyone keeps telling me how amazing this is. How wonderful it is that we are remembering Izzy this way. How strong we must be for doing this and getting up every day. I don't see it. Isn't this what anyone would do? Wouldn't you make sure that no one forgot your daughter? Maybe I don't feel proud because deep down I resent that I have to do this. I don't know. I probably won't get an answer to this one. So I smile and take the compliment, but I just don't see it.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of what has happened. I'll walk by her room and see all the neat little things we had for her that she never got to use. I'll see the little things she did use and ache to be able to do it again. Sometimes I want to throw it all away, but then I could never have it back. Last week I opened up her keepsake box and smelled her blanket for an hour. I looked through all of her pictures and touched her clothes. I wish now that I hadn't washed anything of hers ever.
I still have a closet full of diapers and wipes because I can't bear to give any of it away. I see all the gifts we received and I feel guilty because someone bought them for us and we couldn't use them.
I know that missing her will never go away. I know that the emptiness will always be there. But why does the pain and rage have to stay?
The pain of doing this blood drive has got to one of the hardest things you have done so far. You know in her head it is a wonderful thing to do. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling in your heart. I have been praying for you all week and will continue. Love you lots.
ReplyDeleteErica
I am soooo extremely sad that you are going through this, I wish there was something I could do. I can't imagine. We all love you and your precious little girls. Izzy has made an impact on my life, and I will forever carry a piece of her in my heart. You all are forever in my prayers. Love you all.
ReplyDeleteKerri