Now I realize that several of my posts have been pretty angry lately. That might lead one to think that I'm an angry person, but that's the thing. I'm really not. I don't like to be mad. I get mad, but it doesn't last for long. I think it's wasted energy. I would rather do something constructive with that energy, than sit around and stew about things beyond my control.
However.
I have done everything I can think of to channel my anger into something helpful and productive. I do not like feeling this way. I do not like walking around wanting to punch people. But that's what I'm walking around with. I want to find someone and beat them with my fists until they feel as bad as I do. I want to feel their skin beneath my fists, and I want someone to feel what I'm feeling, and I want to know that they hurt, because I do. I hurt and nothing is making it better, nothing is making it go away. I feel empty I feel nothing. I feel a little glimmer of the appropriate feeling, but it doesn't get all the way out there. I'm numb. So maybe if I can transfer this pain to someone else, I can let all of my other normal feelings out.
I know this isn't socially acceptable, and some of you reading are probably alarmed. Don't be there is absolutely no chance of me going postal anytime soon. (Unless I happen to meet my archnemesis JW in a dark alley somewhere and I happen to have a ski mask handy, and then you despicable, manipulative disgusting individual, it is on.) I have no desire to go to jail or see the inside of a police car. But we may be rapidly reaching the point where I'll try anything.
However.
I have done everything I can think of to channel my anger into something helpful and productive. I do not like feeling this way. I do not like walking around wanting to punch people. But that's what I'm walking around with. I want to find someone and beat them with my fists until they feel as bad as I do. I want to feel their skin beneath my fists, and I want someone to feel what I'm feeling, and I want to know that they hurt, because I do. I hurt and nothing is making it better, nothing is making it go away. I feel empty I feel nothing. I feel a little glimmer of the appropriate feeling, but it doesn't get all the way out there. I'm numb. So maybe if I can transfer this pain to someone else, I can let all of my other normal feelings out.
I know this isn't socially acceptable, and some of you reading are probably alarmed. Don't be there is absolutely no chance of me going postal anytime soon. (Unless I happen to meet my archnemesis JW in a dark alley somewhere and I happen to have a ski mask handy, and then you despicable, manipulative disgusting individual, it is on.) I have no desire to go to jail or see the inside of a police car. But we may be rapidly reaching the point where I'll try anything.
I'm right there with ya on the archnemesis JW thing. I'm sorry you don't have any way to kick the living shit out of someone... sometimes that's sort of what we need.
ReplyDeleteI have a couple of really annoying people in my life that I may send your way. Perhaps I'll even have them say a couple of key phrases like "at least you have 2 other children" or "be happy she's in a better place"......because THOSE statements are definitely worthy of a good beating...just saying!! I'd bail you out...and we'd go have a drink
ReplyDeleteThinkingof you! Hang in there! We love you!
ReplyDeleteKerri