When?

For the last year, whenever I do something, or go somewhere, I think about what Isabelle would be doing. I think about taking her to dance competitions and trying to manage her and Maddy. I think about having her chair at the kitchen table and how Abbey would definitely tried passing her food off to Isabelle instead of the dogs. I think about how tired I would be from going months without a full night's sleep. I think about first teeth, and first steps and first laughs. I think about her a lot.
I can't put into words how much I miss her. I can't put into words how much I hate living without her. It hit me hard the other day when I realized that I have to live this way for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life, I will be missing something. In 10 years, Maddy will be getting ready to graduate high school, and something will be missing. Something will always be missing.
I have tried to fill this void with good things, toy drive, blood drive. It's not even close. It makes me miss her more, because I know that I do these things because she's not here. I know it's selfish, but I would rather be busy with my children and oblivious to the needs of others than being a good citizen. I would rather spend Friday the 29th watching a little girl with very little hair and a big goofy smile smash cake all over the place than sit and make small talk at a blood drive.
I want someone to tell me when the pain will stop being so acute. I want to know what anniversary will stop making me want to go lay down with her and stay there so she's not alone. When will the cold and rain stop making me want to go protect her? When will I hear her name and not fall apart a little? When will I see a baby and not feel resentful that she's not here? When?