Lack of sleep

I could see this coming. I don't know if it's just a hormone crash or exhaustion or genuine depression. I don't think it really matters. I can't keep my head together, I can't think, I can't function, I can't keep up. I am falling apart.

I haven't had a full night's sleep in 2 weeks. When I do fall asleep I dream, but that's provided I can get my mind turned off enough to fall asleep. My mind races and every outstanding task, or chore, or plan spins around. Every insecurity and fear makes me hear the boogeyman outside the door. Then when I do sleep, the nightmares make sleep miserable.

I dreamt that I was granted a special visit to Heaven to see Izzy and when I finally made it through customs and the security checkpoints (apparently my Heaven is like an airport) she was there. She had blonde hair and she had chubby cheeks and no freckles yet. She hugged me and asked me why I didn't save her.

I dreamt that my husband brought home another woman, (one he works with that I loathe) pregnant and said that he had to replace me because I was no good at giving him children. The girls and my best friend liked her better, and they announced that I had been officially replaced.

So I'm not sleeping, and I have no desire to do so. I feel like I'm one of those carnival games where you swing the hammer and try to ring the bell. The hammer are things that should make me happy. The bell is real happiness, and the machine is me and my sadness. The hammer isn't hitting hard enough to ring the bell. I smile and I put on my happy face, but I don't feel it. It's not there, and I worry that if it continues, I will drive away the people I need the most. I know my unhappiness makes Duffy unhappy. I know that other people have pulled away from me. What it this is just the beginning of a trend. I'm not sure what I'll do then. I'm not sure I can make it without Duffy. He is my foundation. He is always the person I want to talk to. It has been hard to open up to him. He has his own hurt and own pain, and it'd be pretty shitty of me to dump more on him. That is a pretty vicious cycle. I want to talk to him. But I don't, so I don't hurt him. Then I feel resentful because he doesn't know what I'm thinking. Then we fight, and I feel far apart, which makes me feel even more like I can't open up. But I'm not sure what else we could do.
So we'll keep plugging away. Going to work, going to softball, cooking dinner, folding laundry. I am going to hope that we'll come out the other side, together. I am going to hope.