It's been a while, and maybe it should be a while longer

It's been a while. I have missed writing here, but I haven't really had anything to say, well, nothing nice or productive or appropriate to say, so I haven't written anything. I feel horrible. Awful, dreadful, dismal, depressed, dark, moody, mopey. All of that times a million. I am unhappy, alone, and I feel abandoned.
I lost a friend earlier this month. She and I will no longer speak, for a number of reasons which include stubborness and lack of sympathy and empathy. I don't think I'm right, but I'm definitely not wrong, and I'm not saying she's wrong, but she's definitely not right. So the it is what it is, and despite the fact that we've known each other since high school, and she was in my wedding we aren't friends. She went so far as to delete and block me on facebook. Done. I'm over it, mostly. The thing is, this, we still have mutual friends. We still have friends that started as my friends, but became her friends, which was fully awesome when we all did stuff together. Now, that isn't an option.
This has never happened to me before. I don't know what to do. I would never in a million years ask our friends to do. It's ridiculous, and selfish and petty. I won't do it. However, I struggle knowing that now there is part of a good friend's life that I'm shut out of permanently, and they have this thing together that no longer includes me. I'm not sure what to do or what to say, because I don't know what they think or say or what their opinion is about the whole situation. I don't trust people as a rule. I doubt everything everyone says, I doubt their true motives, and I don't fully trust anyone. I don't, so as long as they stay friends, I don't think I can ever be sure that our friend hasn't secretly taken sides. So someone I love that would normally be able to talk Pots and Pans Niki into a corner is currently unavailable to me.
And at the time all this is going on, I don't feel like Duffy is there either. His belief is that if he can't give me a solution to my problem, then he should leave me alone to figure it out. He'll listen to me if I talk, but he will give me no feedback at all. He mostly doesn't talk to me at all, at all. Unless we are discussing our plans for dinner or how our day was, there is no conversation between us, and he doesn't make any attempt, so I assume that he's perfectly fine having this marriage with no affection or closeness which makes me feel even worse and withdraw even more. I think he'd be perfectly fine if I just faked being happy for the rest of my life. But I've passed the point where I have the energy or desire to put on my public Niki face.
So here I am. My house is company clean, all the time, but I don't have any company coming. My phone is charged, but only work calls me. I have made arrangements for the girls to go away for a weekend soon, but I have no plans. I don't know who to trust. I don't know what to do with all this crap. Spring clean-up for Waste Managment was in May, so I guess it's here for a while.