I miss Isabelle at the damndest times. Both Maddy and Abbey are sick today. Well, it started Saturday, and I think we're nearly done. But all day today, I find myself wishing that I was running around like crazy trying to keep Izzy away from her bigger sisters so that she wouldn't get sick. I wish I was more frazzled and stressed out because I had one more kid to manage.
Now I ask, how crazy is that. I miss her like crazy and all I want to do is see her and hug her. I am so unhappy that I'm beginning to wonder if this is my new normal, if I'm just going to be unhappy forever. Is this what it's going to be like? I feel like I've been treading water for this past 14 months, and I'm starting to wear out.
I feel flashes of happiness, but it's always tempered by wishing she was here with us.
When I took the girls to the zoo last week, I spent a large portion of the day wishing Izzy was with us. I missed her like crazy and my smile felt plastic all day. Then that night as we were driving home, the biggest shooting star I've ever seen passed by directly in front of my windshield, and I remembered that she's always here. Always with us. But damnit, it's not the same and it's not fair and it's not enough. I want her here. I want to touch her and comb her hair and be sad when she moves up to the next Catch a Star room. I just want to see her grow up and get to know her and be amazed that I am lucky enough to be her mom.
Now I ask, how crazy is that. I miss her like crazy and all I want to do is see her and hug her. I am so unhappy that I'm beginning to wonder if this is my new normal, if I'm just going to be unhappy forever. Is this what it's going to be like? I feel like I've been treading water for this past 14 months, and I'm starting to wear out.
I feel flashes of happiness, but it's always tempered by wishing she was here with us.
When I took the girls to the zoo last week, I spent a large portion of the day wishing Izzy was with us. I missed her like crazy and my smile felt plastic all day. Then that night as we were driving home, the biggest shooting star I've ever seen passed by directly in front of my windshield, and I remembered that she's always here. Always with us. But damnit, it's not the same and it's not fair and it's not enough. I want her here. I want to touch her and comb her hair and be sad when she moves up to the next Catch a Star room. I just want to see her grow up and get to know her and be amazed that I am lucky enough to be her mom.
<3
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ReplyDeleteKerri
You're right Niki she is always with you.. and you're always her mom, so you're always lucky.
ReplyDeleteEmily