Read the fine print

It has recently come to my attention that there is a microscopic fine print at the bottom of marriage licenses that requires strict compliance to a laundry list of rules. Violation of these rules results in pouting, door slamming, raised voices, pissy text messages and other headache-inducing spouse behavior. So I thought I'd share with you this list as I have been able to piece it together. 1. You shall at all times maintain a psychic connection to your spouses brain so if they decide, while not in your presence at all, to make plans for you or your children, you are aware of the plans and can execute your part in them. 2. You must never act irritated when after a long stressful day at work, you come home to find that during their day off they managed only to not burn the house down. That is clearly too taxing a job to allow any time for dishes, laundry, dinner preparation, or even monitoring minor children to ensure that they don't give themselves haircuts or redecorate their bedrooms with a sharpie marker. 3. You are always to bite your tongue when they are explaining to you how their mother always had dinner ready and the house clean and held down a job while being parent volunteer of the year at their school for 5 straight years. Despite the fact that you've heard about the endless Hamburger Helper dinners, hollow walls in the basement that housed all the clutter no one could find a place for, and the time she dropped a child off at kindergarten despite the fact that there was no school. 4. You are to happily accept that you are responsible for mailing every birthday card, anniversary card to their family members in a timely manner without fail. They however, cannot be expected to do the same for yours. It's your job too. 5. You must recognize that should you fail to provide your requests in writing in triplicate in a timely manner that those requests will not be filled. It does not matter if the bathtub is in imminent danger of falling through the ceiling. There are procedures to be followed, naps to be taken and games to be played. 6. When they, after carrying on a conversation in their head, start sharing it with you mid-conversation, while you are talking about something completely different, you are to immediately adjust, forget what you were talking about, and listen to them. See also rule #1. 7. When illness strikes, be prepared to baby them, fetch them all that they need, talk them out of 3rd flu test and emergency room trip for their sore throat. But take extra vitamins because when you get sick you are expected to let none of your duties slide. This is not intended to be an all inclusive list, when creating marriage licenses the Founding Fathers wrote the fine print in invisible ink. I was able to uncover several references to other rules that are clearly outdated regarding the proper maintenance of waist size via corsets, wooden denture maintenance, and the especially ominous one about happily participating in science experimentation as a sign of support. I invite all spouses to join me in my research and education into what I'm calling the "Unspoken Rules of Marriage."