Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited about JT arriving on Thursday. I really wish they'd stop. I don't want to talk about it. I don't. I have so many emotions I'm trying to manage I can't sort through them to come up with a good answer to your questions. There are no honest answers I can give you that won't cause you to walk away thinking that I'm probably not the ideal candidate to become a mother again. I say "No, I'm not really excited for Thursday. I have a bleeding disorder that can cause my blood not to clot, and while having surgery I may hemorrhage. I will be having a csection, and while my hemotologist thinks that preventative treatment isn't necessary and we will be ready for blood transfusions for me, it's a terrifying prospect. I just handed my brother a sealed envelope with my final instructions for friends and family and I have written letters for my children should I not be there to see them grow up, graduate and get married. I have carried this baby around for 38 weeks, I have washed his laundry, put together a bedroom for him, set up a swing and pack and play and high chair, and every time I look at his things I think, 'why did I get new things' he's probably just going to use them a few times and then be gone too.' The only reason the high chair is put together is because Maddy did it. I wanted to leave it in the box. In the meantime, though he'll have to have extra tests done, may very well have to have a blood transfusion immediately following the results of the blood tests, and everything we do could still result in JT suffering a brain bleed, or another internal bleed. He could spend his entire life dependent on blood transfusions, he could suffer brain damage. He could die. What I'm feeling right now is stupid and selfish for having a baby that I could have doomed to a lifetime of difficulty and suffering." I say "Yes" and I'm lying. I have felt lots of things, but not excited at all. I am really looking forward to meeting JT and I feel flashes of confidence that this won't end like Izzy at all. It'll be like Maddy, no Factor X deficiency at all. But those are just flashes. I have spent so much time preparing for the worst case scenario, I'm not prepared for anything else. I'm not prepared for anything past size 1 diapers and size 0-3 months clothes. People have given me 6-9 month things, 12 and 18 month things, and they hang in the closet with tags on. So how do I say that to people? How do I tell them that this isn't a big deal because JT may just be like Izzy all over again? How do I tell them that I'll only feel happy when I get those results back? How do I tell them that I'm terrified that even if everything is uneventful and perfect that I still won't be happy? What if I am mad at JT because he gets to be everything that Izzy will never be? Putting this in black and white makes me feel like a terrible person. A really terrible person. The worst possible mother. When I kept it in my head it didn't seem as crazy, but here it is. In black and white. And then I have to balance this with sitting on the couch with Maddy curled around the belly at 11 at night, and she talks to me for an hour, just talks, about JT and all the things she wants to do with him, and then she tells me that I'm the funnest best mom she knows and she loves to hang out with me, and she really loves me. I can't be all bad if I made her right?