NYC

In just 2 days, my wonderful first born and my husband will be leaving for New York City. They will be gone for 6 days. This is a tremendous opportunity for them. Maddy was selected as an All Star Dancer for her very first competitive solo, and this is an amazing honor for her. She will get to participate in master classes with the Rockettes, the Broadway cast of Mary Poppins, and other amazing dance professionals. They will be seeing Wicked on Broadway, taking in a Yankees game, go on a formal dinner dance cruise, and other amazing NYC sights. This will be an amazing memory for her that she'll share with her father, and I am so glad that they have this opportunity. I don't want them to go. Not even a little. For months now, all I can think about is all of the things that can go wrong. I have dreamt about the horror several times a week, every week. I dreamt that the plane they were on was hijacked and flown into the ground. I dreamt that Duffy tried to fight off the hijackers and was brutally murdered in front of Maddy. I dreamt that Duffy lost Maddy in NYC and she was sold out of the country. I dreamt that there was an attack on NYC while they were there. For some time, my brain has been trying to come up with every possible horror that could befall them. Now, I always think of the worst thing that can happen, and when it doesn't happen, I (ridiculously) feel that I have somehow warded off the bad thing. There has only been one exception to this practice of mine. Izzy. From the beginning of the crisis it never once occured to me that she would die, not once ever. And then she did. So you see, if I don't protect us from the bad things by thinking them, they very likely will happen. So now that their departure is here, I lay awake trying to think about scenarios I may have overlooked. I find myself just staring at my beautiful girl thinking that after Wednesday I might never see her again. I'm trying so hard to be excited like I know I should be. But I really don't want them to go. I know I wouldn't survive losing them. They are half of my family. She is all of the good things I have done. She is beautiful and special and amazing. She is funny and charming and smart and I find myself amazed every day that she's mine. Duffy thinks I'm just crazy and hormonal. I'm sure that's part of it. He says they'll be fine, and I should stop worrying. I can't. Until they get home the night of the 16th, half of my brain will be devoted to warding off potential atrocities.