We went to visit Izzy yesterday. We've been visiting her more lately, partly because I have to so that her hanging flower baskets aren't devoured by the Japanese beetles and because it never rains here anymore. Yesterday Duffy and I went together because he wanted her to have his softball medal from Maddy's championship team and because I'm sure he wanted to say goodbye before he left for New York.
I never know what to do when I visit her. 2 and a half years later and I still don't know what to do when I visit my daughter's grave. I spend most of the time being busy and picking off the bugs and pulling any stray tall grass. I water the flowers. Clean bird poop off her headstone. I talk to her quietly in my head, but I do that all the time everywhere. Do you suppose it comes in clearer at the cemetary or our house? I wonder about that sometimes.
Now I know that I posted about the wonderful plan that we have in place for JT. I feel confident that Dr. Tarantino has put together a wonderful plan for him. I have complete confidence in our medical team. But I can't help but think worst case. As I was standing there in the beautiful place where we laid Izzy to rest, I thought about how in the month of July I could be adding 3 Duffys to that spot. Duffy and Maddy are flying to NYC, there are an infinite number of things that could go wrong. James Thomas could be born with a Factor X deficiency as horrific as Izzy's and despite all their best attempts we could lose him too. I'm not sure I could survive that. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.
So I spent my time at Izzy's yesterday begging her to keep everyone safe. Is that fair to ask? Does she even have the ability to watch over us? I think of her as our guardian angel. I think she was given to us for such a short time to teach us that life is too short to be taken for granted and to introduce us to the bleeding disorder community so that we could make a difference on her behalf, so surely she'd be allowed to keep the rest of her family safe. Surely.
I guess we'll see. Today the 11th, Monday the 16th and Thursday the 26th. Izzy, God, please keep them all safe. Please let them all come home to me safe. Despite the show I put on I'm not strong enough to lose anything else. I need them all.
Comments
Post a Comment
I have allowed anonymous commenting on this blog. I really appreciate all the feedback I have received, and I like to know who gives it, so if you would be so kind as to leave your name with your comments. And if your name is Angie, please give me an initial with it, I know far too many of you.