It has been well over 3 years that I have lived without Izzy. 1,195 days to be exact. Doesn’t that seem like a lot? It seems like a really long time, and yet like yesterday all at once. So much has happened without her and I look at JT and there are a lot of times that I see him, but also Izzy and everything she has missed. I could write a very long post and list everything that I never got to see her do, but I won’t, because that would be pointless. And would just make me sad, and really I have so many days that I can think of Izzy and not feel the debilitating crushing sadness that I used to. I have many more days when I just miss her, but I look for her throughout my day and I take comfort in the little things that remind me of her, or the little signs that make me think she’s always near.
I was outside with JT the other day and we were just sitting on the patio, he in his chair, and I in mine, and a little white butterfly landed on his head, he didn’t notice, but it stayed there just a minute and then fluttered off. I have always felt that JT was, in some way, being protected by Izzy, and this butterfly visit isn’t the first one he’s had, but it always reminds me that he has a little angel looking out for him. And when I talk to Izzy, I thank her for JT, every time.
I think of Izzy often, and I miss her, and I miss all the things we would have done together. She’d probably be taking swimming or dance lessons now, trying desperately to keep up with her big sisters, and really relishing not being the baby of the house anymore, while being just a little jealous that she wasn’t the baby of the house anymore. I’m sure she’d look just like her sisters and she’d probably have gotten her first freckles by now, and she’d be busy and crazy and into everything, and boy what fun she would be. And I see all of that in JT’s face, and it makes me a better parent for him. I really am in love with every single thing he does and is. And I appreciate all of the little things so much more. Not just for JT, but for Maddy and Abbey too. I can just sit next to the 3 of them and watch them do the most mundane task, and just enjoy that little tiny moment, and I wish my brain could be downloaded to some external hard drive so that in 40 years I could look back at all these tiny little moments and wrap myself up in the magic. And I have Izzy to thank for all of that. And every time I feel her close by, I wish that I could have just one hug, one kiss or one whole day with her to study her magic and make memories with her and enjoy her magic. Just one more day.
I was outside with JT the other day and we were just sitting on the patio, he in his chair, and I in mine, and a little white butterfly landed on his head, he didn’t notice, but it stayed there just a minute and then fluttered off. I have always felt that JT was, in some way, being protected by Izzy, and this butterfly visit isn’t the first one he’s had, but it always reminds me that he has a little angel looking out for him. And when I talk to Izzy, I thank her for JT, every time.
I think of Izzy often, and I miss her, and I miss all the things we would have done together. She’d probably be taking swimming or dance lessons now, trying desperately to keep up with her big sisters, and really relishing not being the baby of the house anymore, while being just a little jealous that she wasn’t the baby of the house anymore. I’m sure she’d look just like her sisters and she’d probably have gotten her first freckles by now, and she’d be busy and crazy and into everything, and boy what fun she would be. And I see all of that in JT’s face, and it makes me a better parent for him. I really am in love with every single thing he does and is. And I appreciate all of the little things so much more. Not just for JT, but for Maddy and Abbey too. I can just sit next to the 3 of them and watch them do the most mundane task, and just enjoy that little tiny moment, and I wish my brain could be downloaded to some external hard drive so that in 40 years I could look back at all these tiny little moments and wrap myself up in the magic. And I have Izzy to thank for all of that. And every time I feel her close by, I wish that I could have just one hug, one kiss or one whole day with her to study her magic and make memories with her and enjoy her magic. Just one more day.
You are truly amazing and this journey you are taking is a tribute to your beautiful angel.
ReplyDeleteThinking of You Always,
Erica