I find myself staring at the calendar wondering how it is possible that I have lived 1455 days, 3 hours and 52 minutes without Isabelle. And yet I am still paralyzed by this date on the calendar. May 20. I still find my eyes welling up with tears and the weight around my heart and the black misery that takes over my life in the spring.
I find that I am still counting all of the milestones she’d be reaching now. She would be a Purple Planet now at her day care. She would be going on field trips to the library. She would be big enough to take dance classes or tumbling classes and she’d be watching her big sisters with complete devotion and following them everywhere. But she’s not and she never will.
I put new pictures of the kids in my picture frames at work this week. Maddy’s frame is starting to bulge with the number of pictures of her in there. This picture frame dates all the way back to 2004. Izzy’s frame has one picture in it. I won’t get to flip back through the pictures and reminisce about the little girl she used to be, because she’ll never get to grow up and be a big girl. She is my newborn forever.
And I’m so mad. So mad I can hardly stand it. I still want to throw something and scream and punch someone and make them feel as badly as I feel right now in the moment. I feel so full of rage and pain it’s right there under the surface and I’m expending so much energy to act normal I am exhausted every minute my eyes are open, but when I close my eyes I am reliving those days.
May 12, May 19 and May 20. I am stuck rethinking every single step I took and every single decision I made. Am I doomed to relive those days every year? In 10 years will I forgive myself for failing? Is there a time limit on that? What is the expiration date on guilt and blame?
I find that I am still counting all of the milestones she’d be reaching now. She would be a Purple Planet now at her day care. She would be going on field trips to the library. She would be big enough to take dance classes or tumbling classes and she’d be watching her big sisters with complete devotion and following them everywhere. But she’s not and she never will.
I put new pictures of the kids in my picture frames at work this week. Maddy’s frame is starting to bulge with the number of pictures of her in there. This picture frame dates all the way back to 2004. Izzy’s frame has one picture in it. I won’t get to flip back through the pictures and reminisce about the little girl she used to be, because she’ll never get to grow up and be a big girl. She is my newborn forever.
And I’m so mad. So mad I can hardly stand it. I still want to throw something and scream and punch someone and make them feel as badly as I feel right now in the moment. I feel so full of rage and pain it’s right there under the surface and I’m expending so much energy to act normal I am exhausted every minute my eyes are open, but when I close my eyes I am reliving those days.
May 12, May 19 and May 20. I am stuck rethinking every single step I took and every single decision I made. Am I doomed to relive those days every year? In 10 years will I forgive myself for failing? Is there a time limit on that? What is the expiration date on guilt and blame?
I don't have answers or any words that can help, but I have lots of love. <3
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