Alright. I have taken some flack for a recent post, Me, Naked. The criticism has fallen into two categories. “Why would I write something so personal?” It really wasn't that personal. Yes, the title implied something, but I didn't provide vivid descriptions of what I look like naked. I most certainly didn't post pictures. I wrote about what I think of body image, self confidence, my OWN body image and I shared my thoughts with anyone who CHOSE to read my post. In case you’d like a count, that number is 92. Holy crap. 92 people out of billions have read a post where I used the word naked AND shared my thoughts. I’m not well versed in bible verses, but I’m pretty sure that that is NOT a sign of the coming rapture. And I’m pretty sure that at least 2 of those were me checking in to see how many people had read it. Although I am happy to report that that particular post was read by someone in Germany and someone in Ukraine.
Now, to my favorite and most ridiculous criticism. “Why would I tell people what size you are?” Well, for 2 reasons. At any time, anyone could cross body tackle me, hold me down and look at the tags in my clothes to see what size they are. Or they could ask, whichever they’d prefer. A cross body tackle would definitely liven up my day. Also, a woman telling anyone her size is completely meaningless because the sizes of women’s clothes are so insane, most women have no idea what size they actually are. And also, those numbers mean nothing to men. When was the last time a bunch of guys were sitting around talking about women and the conversation was “Dude, look at the tits on that one. I bet that top is size 6.” Or “Dude, her legs are fantastic, I bet that skirt is small.” Umm no. Never happened.
I've spent some time planning this post and making a list of what I wear and where I shop, so let me just share with you what size I actually am.
We’ll start from the feet up. I wear a size 6.5 shoe. Unless they are super cute 6’s that Maddy can no longer wear in which case I squeeze my foot in and in about 2 weeks, they are stretched enough to be comfortable. Unless they are sandals or flip flops in which case it is a 7 because I hate having my feet and toes hang over the edge. In Nikes I can wear up to a 7.5 because they’re so narrow they cling to my feet and the extra space in the toes is irrelevant.
Pants. Fun. In my closet right now I have various pants, skirts, capris and shorts. All of them fit me and I wear all of them. They range in size from 9 to 1. The size 9’s are skinny jeans, I have 2 pairs, one red and one purple. I have a lot of size 6 and even more size 4. And I have 1 pair of size 1 pants. I walked into Maurice’s one day. I was meandering about and the salesgirl approached me and asked if I needed help. I said I couldn't find pants in my size. She said “Oh really, I thought we had a bunch of cute size 1’s” I laughed and replied “I’m totally going to buy stuff today, no flattery needed, where are the 3/4s?” She said “no really, just try them on.” And sent me off to the dressing room where it turns out she was right. That is why I NEVER buy anything without trying it on. Because the number on the label means nothing. If I’m buying jeans made by Hydraulic from Maurice's I am buying a completely different size than if I am buying a pair of jeans made by Maurice's. If you think I’m crazy, go there, pick up 2 different brands of pants and hold them up together. Or better yet, go get a pair of pants from Wal-Mart and get a pair of pants from Maurice's. Hold those up together. Now if you really want to party. Get a size 5 from the junior department and a size 6 from the women’s department. In theory they should not be too far off. HAHAHAHAHA. A size 5 and a size 6 are about as close to each other as Rand Paul is to endorsing Hillary Clinton for President. Good luck.
Now, underwear. In theory, these should be similar to pants. But this is dependent on the cut you wear. If you wear a size 6 brief, odds are, you’ll have a lot of extra material in the seat. However if you wear hipsters, you might squeeze in everything around your hips and create some spillover into the muffin top area. Thongs are tricky, if they aren't made correctly, you could spend the whole day feeling flossed, or have them pulled up so high to keep them in place that they are mistaken for a low hanging part of your bra. Again, my drawer contains a range of sizes. Mostly I wear medium because it’s comfortable, but there are some smalls that are so cute they MUST be worn. But there are also mediums I don’t wear because I enjoy having circulation to my legs so I’m not forever falling out of my chair and there are some smalls that I can’t wear because getting them on requires an amount of patience, wriggling and jumping that I simply do not have time for in the morning.
Shirts. Pretty universally I am a small here. Mediums are good in t-shirts that you don’t plan to leave the house in, or in shirts that are cute but cut for women who have a much stronger desire than I to push their breasts up and out for display. Mine are good when the image is left to the imagination, so I keep those bad boys in and out of sight. However, you must take into account the material and cut of the shirt. Is it supposed to be a flowy shirt, but is made out of jersey which will cling to you like a cat trying to avoid submersion in water? That’s a medium. Is it a fitted button down shirt made from a cotton blend, that will spend the day creeping up on the sides so you spend the whole day tugging down your shirt so it doesn’t get out of hand and end up around your armpits? Also a medium. Is it a sweater? Made out of anything? Even a sweater made out of unicorn hair and gold thread is going to be bulky, and unless you want to reassure people you’re not expecting all day, wear the smallest size you can breathe comfortably in. And those cute tops with the empire waist? Unless you are Cate Upton or some other waif who has never borne a child, forget it, or you will spend ALL day wishing you’d burned the top because you look 5 months along.
I’m not even going to discuss bras because I have no idea. I own at least 6 bras that I thought for sure would fit and don’t. Some that fit on certain days. Some that are cute but make my boobs look weird when they’re on. Some that were super cute but only fit when I was a milk producing C+ cup, and some that are super small that I keep as insurance against getting that small again. I don’t pretend to know how those sizes work. I don’t think I want to know. I’ve read the directions for correctly sizing myself and I’m pretty sure I’d have better luck learning to rebuild the transmission in my minivan, alone, with only JT as my help.
Now, to my favorite and most ridiculous criticism. “Why would I tell people what size you are?” Well, for 2 reasons. At any time, anyone could cross body tackle me, hold me down and look at the tags in my clothes to see what size they are. Or they could ask, whichever they’d prefer. A cross body tackle would definitely liven up my day. Also, a woman telling anyone her size is completely meaningless because the sizes of women’s clothes are so insane, most women have no idea what size they actually are. And also, those numbers mean nothing to men. When was the last time a bunch of guys were sitting around talking about women and the conversation was “Dude, look at the tits on that one. I bet that top is size 6.” Or “Dude, her legs are fantastic, I bet that skirt is small.” Umm no. Never happened.
I've spent some time planning this post and making a list of what I wear and where I shop, so let me just share with you what size I actually am.
We’ll start from the feet up. I wear a size 6.5 shoe. Unless they are super cute 6’s that Maddy can no longer wear in which case I squeeze my foot in and in about 2 weeks, they are stretched enough to be comfortable. Unless they are sandals or flip flops in which case it is a 7 because I hate having my feet and toes hang over the edge. In Nikes I can wear up to a 7.5 because they’re so narrow they cling to my feet and the extra space in the toes is irrelevant.
Pants. Fun. In my closet right now I have various pants, skirts, capris and shorts. All of them fit me and I wear all of them. They range in size from 9 to 1. The size 9’s are skinny jeans, I have 2 pairs, one red and one purple. I have a lot of size 6 and even more size 4. And I have 1 pair of size 1 pants. I walked into Maurice’s one day. I was meandering about and the salesgirl approached me and asked if I needed help. I said I couldn't find pants in my size. She said “Oh really, I thought we had a bunch of cute size 1’s” I laughed and replied “I’m totally going to buy stuff today, no flattery needed, where are the 3/4s?” She said “no really, just try them on.” And sent me off to the dressing room where it turns out she was right. That is why I NEVER buy anything without trying it on. Because the number on the label means nothing. If I’m buying jeans made by Hydraulic from Maurice's I am buying a completely different size than if I am buying a pair of jeans made by Maurice's. If you think I’m crazy, go there, pick up 2 different brands of pants and hold them up together. Or better yet, go get a pair of pants from Wal-Mart and get a pair of pants from Maurice's. Hold those up together. Now if you really want to party. Get a size 5 from the junior department and a size 6 from the women’s department. In theory they should not be too far off. HAHAHAHAHA. A size 5 and a size 6 are about as close to each other as Rand Paul is to endorsing Hillary Clinton for President. Good luck.
Now, underwear. In theory, these should be similar to pants. But this is dependent on the cut you wear. If you wear a size 6 brief, odds are, you’ll have a lot of extra material in the seat. However if you wear hipsters, you might squeeze in everything around your hips and create some spillover into the muffin top area. Thongs are tricky, if they aren't made correctly, you could spend the whole day feeling flossed, or have them pulled up so high to keep them in place that they are mistaken for a low hanging part of your bra. Again, my drawer contains a range of sizes. Mostly I wear medium because it’s comfortable, but there are some smalls that are so cute they MUST be worn. But there are also mediums I don’t wear because I enjoy having circulation to my legs so I’m not forever falling out of my chair and there are some smalls that I can’t wear because getting them on requires an amount of patience, wriggling and jumping that I simply do not have time for in the morning.
Shirts. Pretty universally I am a small here. Mediums are good in t-shirts that you don’t plan to leave the house in, or in shirts that are cute but cut for women who have a much stronger desire than I to push their breasts up and out for display. Mine are good when the image is left to the imagination, so I keep those bad boys in and out of sight. However, you must take into account the material and cut of the shirt. Is it supposed to be a flowy shirt, but is made out of jersey which will cling to you like a cat trying to avoid submersion in water? That’s a medium. Is it a fitted button down shirt made from a cotton blend, that will spend the day creeping up on the sides so you spend the whole day tugging down your shirt so it doesn’t get out of hand and end up around your armpits? Also a medium. Is it a sweater? Made out of anything? Even a sweater made out of unicorn hair and gold thread is going to be bulky, and unless you want to reassure people you’re not expecting all day, wear the smallest size you can breathe comfortably in. And those cute tops with the empire waist? Unless you are Cate Upton or some other waif who has never borne a child, forget it, or you will spend ALL day wishing you’d burned the top because you look 5 months along.
I’m not even going to discuss bras because I have no idea. I own at least 6 bras that I thought for sure would fit and don’t. Some that fit on certain days. Some that are cute but make my boobs look weird when they’re on. Some that were super cute but only fit when I was a milk producing C+ cup, and some that are super small that I keep as insurance against getting that small again. I don’t pretend to know how those sizes work. I don’t think I want to know. I’ve read the directions for correctly sizing myself and I’m pretty sure I’d have better luck learning to rebuild the transmission in my minivan, alone, with only JT as my help.
Comments
Post a Comment
I have allowed anonymous commenting on this blog. I really appreciate all the feedback I have received, and I like to know who gives it, so if you would be so kind as to leave your name with your comments. And if your name is Angie, please give me an initial with it, I know far too many of you.