This weekend, I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my wonderful children, brothers, niece, nephew and the man I am divorcing (there should be an actual title for that position since it is so hard to describe that in between situation). We all went to Six Flags together. For the weekend. All of us. Together. 4 adults, 5 kids, 2 cars, 1 weekend. Let me share with you the things I have noted for future reference.
1. It doesn’t matter how close to exploding your bladder gets, if the toddler is napping. DON’T STOP FOR A BATHROOM BREAK.
2. Have a schedule for which device is charging in which outlet in the car at what time. This will help to avoid discussions about which device holds charge best and which is more critical, a cell phone at 13% or a kindle at 5%. (side note, in a car with a toddler, the kindle always wins because that is the device on which the sanity saver aka-Subway Surfer, can be played)
3. Only morons pack apples, bananas, and crackers as snacks for the ride. No one will eat any of it. Lighten your load with chips, candy and soda. Your weekend supply of snacks will be gone approximately 1 hour into the trip and then you’ll have more room in the car.
4. Provide each member of your party over the age of 10 a stick of deodorant. No deodorant has yet been developed that can withstand a day of amusement park trekking. Your nose will thank you.
5. In theory it seems like a good idea to just buy 1 of the $20 cups that will allow you to get unlimited refills for the entire amusement park season for your family to share, but really that’s like expecting a whole herd of elephants to share one small wading pool. Someone will get trampled and there’s going to be a whole lotta noise.
6. Acclimate the toddler to the use of headphones. So that the whole car doesn’t have to listen to Mike Myers’ version of The Cat in the Hat for 3 full hours.
7. The siblings who are usually at war should never sit next to, directly in front of, directly behind, across from, or within arms reach of each other. If you are not traveling via bus, or RV and they cannot maintain a distance which prevents physical or verbal interaction with each other, you are encouraged to just have one ride on the luggage rack which is conveniently provided on the top of most minivans.
8. Before departure, show all tween girls a cell phone coverage map so that they have a clear expectation regarding their ability to post 7,324 selfies or pictures of the road as you travel to your destination. They will also need to know when they will be unable to have scintillating conversations with their friends via snapchat.
9. If 9 people go to an amusement park together. Only 3 of them will ever want to ride the same thing at the same time. Have no expectation of staying together as a group the whole time. You will just end up with homicidal urges and a few new gray hairs. You should also have no expectation that logic will be applicable. It will be the norm rather than the exception to walk from one side of the park to the other, skipping all of the activities along the way because that is the current whim of the person who is leading the way.
10. Do a little research ahead of time and learn which leaves, insects and berries can be safely consumed from the foliage inside the park, unless you have taken out a loan prior to your trip to afford the million dollar but NOT gold plate served lunch that is available for sale inside the park. Also, don’t have any delusions of packing a cooler and taking the party out to your car for a picnic lunch. The parking lot asphalt is super heated to 1 million degrees and your shoes will melt if you try to leave the gate. Or the children will be physically unable to make the 7 mile journey to the parking spot.
11. Maps are conveniently provided at the front gate so that you can locate rides and restrooms and other things inside the park. Take them and shred them into little pieces, they’re usually unreadable and drawn as a sociological experiment in frustration.
12. Amusement parks are staffed entirely with high school and college students. They are as likely to be able to tell you where the bathrooms are as my 3 year old is to keep his pants on all day.
13. Unless you would like to chase a naked toddler around the children’s play area, make sure that you bring plenty of dry clothes for the 179 times he will get wet playing in the water.
14. Once inside an amusement park, parents should be aware that the words that leave your mouth in English, are translated to Swahili before entering the ears of non-swahili speaking children. For example: “Stay here” sounds like “kukaa hapa” which means nothing to them.
15. Don’t be self-conscious in your swimsuit. Wear whatever you want to the water park. 70% of the people there are trying to keep track of children who don’t speak their parent’s native tongue and keep running away instead of staying here. So they aren’t going to notice your cellulite or stretch marked abs.
16. If you announce to your children that you cannot talk to them at the moment you are concentrating on not dying, they will not feel your anguish. They will mock you all day.
17. You will however be able to return the favor when you recreate the infamous MC Hammer “U Can’t Touch This” dance.
18. Don’t let a practical joker be in charge of remembering where you parked. Instead of directing you to Sylvester 8, he will convince everyone that you parked in Tweety 5. Which is a 3 mile difference.
19. Don’t put too much thought into the fact that your seat in the roller coaster is wet. It’s probably just because the person before you had just ridden a water ride. Probably……
20. Take lots of pictures with the kids because the next time, they’ll probably ditch you. And you’ll be riding the log ride all alone.
I had the best time ever and we're totally doing this again in the fall. We bought season passes and we have those free refills.......
1. It doesn’t matter how close to exploding your bladder gets, if the toddler is napping. DON’T STOP FOR A BATHROOM BREAK.
2. Have a schedule for which device is charging in which outlet in the car at what time. This will help to avoid discussions about which device holds charge best and which is more critical, a cell phone at 13% or a kindle at 5%. (side note, in a car with a toddler, the kindle always wins because that is the device on which the sanity saver aka-Subway Surfer, can be played)
3. Only morons pack apples, bananas, and crackers as snacks for the ride. No one will eat any of it. Lighten your load with chips, candy and soda. Your weekend supply of snacks will be gone approximately 1 hour into the trip and then you’ll have more room in the car.
4. Provide each member of your party over the age of 10 a stick of deodorant. No deodorant has yet been developed that can withstand a day of amusement park trekking. Your nose will thank you.
5. In theory it seems like a good idea to just buy 1 of the $20 cups that will allow you to get unlimited refills for the entire amusement park season for your family to share, but really that’s like expecting a whole herd of elephants to share one small wading pool. Someone will get trampled and there’s going to be a whole lotta noise.
6. Acclimate the toddler to the use of headphones. So that the whole car doesn’t have to listen to Mike Myers’ version of The Cat in the Hat for 3 full hours.
7. The siblings who are usually at war should never sit next to, directly in front of, directly behind, across from, or within arms reach of each other. If you are not traveling via bus, or RV and they cannot maintain a distance which prevents physical or verbal interaction with each other, you are encouraged to just have one ride on the luggage rack which is conveniently provided on the top of most minivans.
8. Before departure, show all tween girls a cell phone coverage map so that they have a clear expectation regarding their ability to post 7,324 selfies or pictures of the road as you travel to your destination. They will also need to know when they will be unable to have scintillating conversations with their friends via snapchat.
9. If 9 people go to an amusement park together. Only 3 of them will ever want to ride the same thing at the same time. Have no expectation of staying together as a group the whole time. You will just end up with homicidal urges and a few new gray hairs. You should also have no expectation that logic will be applicable. It will be the norm rather than the exception to walk from one side of the park to the other, skipping all of the activities along the way because that is the current whim of the person who is leading the way.
10. Do a little research ahead of time and learn which leaves, insects and berries can be safely consumed from the foliage inside the park, unless you have taken out a loan prior to your trip to afford the million dollar but NOT gold plate served lunch that is available for sale inside the park. Also, don’t have any delusions of packing a cooler and taking the party out to your car for a picnic lunch. The parking lot asphalt is super heated to 1 million degrees and your shoes will melt if you try to leave the gate. Or the children will be physically unable to make the 7 mile journey to the parking spot.
11. Maps are conveniently provided at the front gate so that you can locate rides and restrooms and other things inside the park. Take them and shred them into little pieces, they’re usually unreadable and drawn as a sociological experiment in frustration.
12. Amusement parks are staffed entirely with high school and college students. They are as likely to be able to tell you where the bathrooms are as my 3 year old is to keep his pants on all day.
13. Unless you would like to chase a naked toddler around the children’s play area, make sure that you bring plenty of dry clothes for the 179 times he will get wet playing in the water.
14. Once inside an amusement park, parents should be aware that the words that leave your mouth in English, are translated to Swahili before entering the ears of non-swahili speaking children. For example: “Stay here” sounds like “kukaa hapa” which means nothing to them.
15. Don’t be self-conscious in your swimsuit. Wear whatever you want to the water park. 70% of the people there are trying to keep track of children who don’t speak their parent’s native tongue and keep running away instead of staying here. So they aren’t going to notice your cellulite or stretch marked abs.
16. If you announce to your children that you cannot talk to them at the moment you are concentrating on not dying, they will not feel your anguish. They will mock you all day.
17. You will however be able to return the favor when you recreate the infamous MC Hammer “U Can’t Touch This” dance.
18. Don’t let a practical joker be in charge of remembering where you parked. Instead of directing you to Sylvester 8, he will convince everyone that you parked in Tweety 5. Which is a 3 mile difference.
19. Don’t put too much thought into the fact that your seat in the roller coaster is wet. It’s probably just because the person before you had just ridden a water ride. Probably……
20. Take lots of pictures with the kids because the next time, they’ll probably ditch you. And you’ll be riding the log ride all alone.
I had the best time ever and we're totally doing this again in the fall. We bought season passes and we have those free refills.......
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