I ran into a friend of mine in the baking supply aisle at Wal-Mart over the weekend. I don’t see her often, so we were chatting about the kids and her adorable grandson and how insanely fast the time goes when kids are involved. We talked about my new house and how pretty it is and how much I love it. She tilted her head just a little and said “How are you doing?”
If you’ve ever been newly divorced, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the “How are you doing now that you’re alone after _________ years? How are you doing managing 3 kids and their busy schedules on your own? How are you feeling about your decision? Do you have regrets? Was it a mistake? Are you happy? How was the divorce?” That one 4 word question encompasses a lot. A lot.
I answered “I’m doing great. Really great. I am really happy.” And that was a perfectly simple honest answer, that was completely and totally true. And I cannot tell you how long it had been since I answered that question honestly before Labor Day weekend 2015. I always answered “Good.” And that was rarely the truth.
She said “I’m really glad. You deserve it, you really do. I’m happy for you.”
I am very proud of myself for not losing it right there by the spices. I said thank you and escaped before the tears filling my undereye bags managed to escape. Because then she would have hugged me and then it would have been all over.
Because my happiness still seems so new and raw, I find it a little hard to believe that it’s mine. For a very long time, I was resigned to my life the way it was, and I worked really hard to be happy with my lot in life. I have the most amazing children, and they make my world bright and my heart warm, I have the very best friends, I love the community I live in, and my job is fantastic. I was a lucky woman before Labor Day weekend 2015. But feeling happy required effort. And there were days I felt stooped under the weight of the unhappiness I carried with me. I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t shake it. It was there. Always. I was trying hard to be whole authentic me, and I couldn’t. It was not allowed or appreciated. I felt crazy for wanting to be me. Like that was wrong. The real Niki was wrong. Not normal. Not sane.
And now. I am completely me. All the time. And I don’t have to work to find the happy. I just am. My smiles feel real to me. When I answer “good” it’s the truth. I am good. I have all of the wonderful things that I had before. AND I can be me. All the time. I don’t have to pretend to be what I’m not in order to keep the peace. I am me. I am happy. That is honest, and I don’t ever have to pretend again. Ever.
If you’ve ever been newly divorced, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the “How are you doing now that you’re alone after _________ years? How are you doing managing 3 kids and their busy schedules on your own? How are you feeling about your decision? Do you have regrets? Was it a mistake? Are you happy? How was the divorce?” That one 4 word question encompasses a lot. A lot.
I answered “I’m doing great. Really great. I am really happy.” And that was a perfectly simple honest answer, that was completely and totally true. And I cannot tell you how long it had been since I answered that question honestly before Labor Day weekend 2015. I always answered “Good.” And that was rarely the truth.
She said “I’m really glad. You deserve it, you really do. I’m happy for you.”
I am very proud of myself for not losing it right there by the spices. I said thank you and escaped before the tears filling my undereye bags managed to escape. Because then she would have hugged me and then it would have been all over.
Because my happiness still seems so new and raw, I find it a little hard to believe that it’s mine. For a very long time, I was resigned to my life the way it was, and I worked really hard to be happy with my lot in life. I have the most amazing children, and they make my world bright and my heart warm, I have the very best friends, I love the community I live in, and my job is fantastic. I was a lucky woman before Labor Day weekend 2015. But feeling happy required effort. And there were days I felt stooped under the weight of the unhappiness I carried with me. I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t shake it. It was there. Always. I was trying hard to be whole authentic me, and I couldn’t. It was not allowed or appreciated. I felt crazy for wanting to be me. Like that was wrong. The real Niki was wrong. Not normal. Not sane.
And now. I am completely me. All the time. And I don’t have to work to find the happy. I just am. My smiles feel real to me. When I answer “good” it’s the truth. I am good. I have all of the wonderful things that I had before. AND I can be me. All the time. I don’t have to pretend to be what I’m not in order to keep the peace. I am me. I am happy. That is honest, and I don’t ever have to pretend again. Ever.
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