I have decided that I will not quit on my resolution to get fit. As such I’ve made several changes. I have given up soda (except that emergency one the other day to try and get rid of my crippling headache), eat healthier, no fried food, minimize processed food, but still eat things I LOVE in moderation. Oh. And the big one. Work out. It is not easy for me. I have terrible habits and changing a habit is like trying to change a tire in the rain with a blindfold on and your hands tied behind your back. (Well, for me anyway.) So it's not easy, and my body is reminding me today why I have so often failed in my quest to get fit. Here is what I am imagining is happening right now, internally.
My Metabolism-“Holy hell boys, we’ve been in hibernation too long. I know it’s warm and cozy under the flabby abs boys, but she mean business. She apparently doesn’t take kindly to our winter plans. 3 workouts in 36 hours. We’ve got some work to do. MOVE YOUR ASSES.”
My Taste Buds-sobbing in the corner “Where is the soda? Pizza? PIE, WE HAVEN’T HAD ANY PIE IN WEEKS. We’ll even settle for fruit pie. We really want Hershey’s Dream Pie, but a nice cherry would be good. Please give us pie…..PLEASE!!!”
My arms-flailing about like Nancy candyasses “we can’t lift anything. Nothing. What the hell? JT is 3, she can lift him what else could she possibly need to accomplish with her arms. I think I heard her mention Michele Obama. No one wants arms like that. The underside doesn’t even jiggle when she waves. Seems downright unfriendly if you ask me. This won’t end well for her. She’ll be regret it, yes she will. WHAT THE HELL???? Handweights at her desk for lunch???? The woman is a sadist.”
My ass-strutting around like a contestant on RuPauls drag race “Look at this? Will you look at this. I might be the best thing going for her, and she worked it on that elliptical and THEN the track? Whoo girl. I might be the perkiest thing on this whole dilapidated body. I am divine. Girl, you have never seen anything like this. My land. It is a crying shame I haven’t gotten up and at em before. I’ve been hidden here under the pajama pants and the couch. You’re welcome world. Here I am.”
My eyelids-“5am. Bitch opened the eyes at 5am, and kept them open. We were in some serious REM. Enjoying the REM and then 5am. Let’s see her keep us up all day.”
My kidneys-“That’s it. We’re putting in for overtime hazard pay. This is bullshit. We didn’t sign on for all this fluid intake. That is a gallon of water she’s bringing to her desk. All day with the water. All damn day. Isn’t there a water shortage? How can she be so inconsiderate? California is having a historic drought. Think of all the celebrities with brown lawns. COME ON”
Who knew my ass was so sassy?
My Metabolism-“Holy hell boys, we’ve been in hibernation too long. I know it’s warm and cozy under the flabby abs boys, but she mean business. She apparently doesn’t take kindly to our winter plans. 3 workouts in 36 hours. We’ve got some work to do. MOVE YOUR ASSES.”
My Taste Buds-sobbing in the corner “Where is the soda? Pizza? PIE, WE HAVEN’T HAD ANY PIE IN WEEKS. We’ll even settle for fruit pie. We really want Hershey’s Dream Pie, but a nice cherry would be good. Please give us pie…..PLEASE!!!”
My arms-flailing about like Nancy candyasses “we can’t lift anything. Nothing. What the hell? JT is 3, she can lift him what else could she possibly need to accomplish with her arms. I think I heard her mention Michele Obama. No one wants arms like that. The underside doesn’t even jiggle when she waves. Seems downright unfriendly if you ask me. This won’t end well for her. She’ll be regret it, yes she will. WHAT THE HELL???? Handweights at her desk for lunch???? The woman is a sadist.”
My ass-strutting around like a contestant on RuPauls drag race “Look at this? Will you look at this. I might be the best thing going for her, and she worked it on that elliptical and THEN the track? Whoo girl. I might be the perkiest thing on this whole dilapidated body. I am divine. Girl, you have never seen anything like this. My land. It is a crying shame I haven’t gotten up and at em before. I’ve been hidden here under the pajama pants and the couch. You’re welcome world. Here I am.”
My eyelids-“5am. Bitch opened the eyes at 5am, and kept them open. We were in some serious REM. Enjoying the REM and then 5am. Let’s see her keep us up all day.”
My kidneys-“That’s it. We’re putting in for overtime hazard pay. This is bullshit. We didn’t sign on for all this fluid intake. That is a gallon of water she’s bringing to her desk. All day with the water. All damn day. Isn’t there a water shortage? How can she be so inconsiderate? California is having a historic drought. Think of all the celebrities with brown lawns. COME ON”
Who knew my ass was so sassy?
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