The old adage goes that you learn something new every day. Today’s valuable life lesson is that bikini bottoms are only created and made with two types of women in mind. Those who don’t mind having their lady-junk nearly exposed and those that need to keep their belly buttons under wraps.
I am swimsuit shopping. Specifically bikini shopping. I want one. I don’t care about the color, pattern, maker or seller. I’m not picky, I’m a simple woman. And the bikini top isn’t an issue. Triangle top, tie back and neck. Those are abundant. The problem is the bottoms.
If you go to any website you will find pictures of models featuring bikini bottoms that feature pretty colored and patterned fabrics that stop somewhere right around the pubic bone. Quite a bit short of the belly button. In case you’re at work and can’t take off your pants to investigate exactly what that distance is, it’s about 12 inches. If you look at some of the airbrushed photos provided for your shopping entertainment, it looks like it’s a good 18-24 inches. I swear.
On the flip side of the public indecency coin, are the high-waisted bikini bottoms. These cover not only your delicate area, less delicate area, but also all of your belly button. These usually leave only 2-3 inches of exposed stomach skin, so as to not actually be a one piece. I’m not sure what the point is except for being able to pull your bottoms down and use the bathroom without having to get totally naked just to pee.
I like neither of these options.
I am turning 39. I have carried and birthed 4 children, two of whom weighed over 9 pounds at birth, and one of whom was delivered via c-section. My scar is thin and lovely and more than one c-section momma has expressed envy at the beauty of my tiny little scar, but nonetheless I have one. I also stretch marks. And a small area of tummy skin that no longer has any elasticity. It is like a hair tie that’s been stretched to capacity once too often, just not capable of holding it all in anymore.
I need a bikini bottom that’s somewhere in the middle. Low enough to be called an actual bikini bottom and is a little obnoxiously show-offy of my fitness achievements. (Yes, I am aware that’s not very nice, I don’t care. I’ve worked my ass off, literally.) But, I need it to be high enough to cover up the puckered skin that’s officially thrown in the towel. There might be an eight-pack underneath that skin, but the skin is doing its best California Raisin impression.
I think if I can’t make something work, I’ll go for the tiny indecent bikini bottoms, and just some heavy duty two sided tape to keep the fabric where it needs to be and pull my extra skin down under the fabric, and tape that shit into place. Instant tummy tuck, thank you duct tape.
I am swimsuit shopping. Specifically bikini shopping. I want one. I don’t care about the color, pattern, maker or seller. I’m not picky, I’m a simple woman. And the bikini top isn’t an issue. Triangle top, tie back and neck. Those are abundant. The problem is the bottoms.
If you go to any website you will find pictures of models featuring bikini bottoms that feature pretty colored and patterned fabrics that stop somewhere right around the pubic bone. Quite a bit short of the belly button. In case you’re at work and can’t take off your pants to investigate exactly what that distance is, it’s about 12 inches. If you look at some of the airbrushed photos provided for your shopping entertainment, it looks like it’s a good 18-24 inches. I swear.
On the flip side of the public indecency coin, are the high-waisted bikini bottoms. These cover not only your delicate area, less delicate area, but also all of your belly button. These usually leave only 2-3 inches of exposed stomach skin, so as to not actually be a one piece. I’m not sure what the point is except for being able to pull your bottoms down and use the bathroom without having to get totally naked just to pee.
I like neither of these options.
I am turning 39. I have carried and birthed 4 children, two of whom weighed over 9 pounds at birth, and one of whom was delivered via c-section. My scar is thin and lovely and more than one c-section momma has expressed envy at the beauty of my tiny little scar, but nonetheless I have one. I also stretch marks. And a small area of tummy skin that no longer has any elasticity. It is like a hair tie that’s been stretched to capacity once too often, just not capable of holding it all in anymore.
I need a bikini bottom that’s somewhere in the middle. Low enough to be called an actual bikini bottom and is a little obnoxiously show-offy of my fitness achievements. (Yes, I am aware that’s not very nice, I don’t care. I’ve worked my ass off, literally.) But, I need it to be high enough to cover up the puckered skin that’s officially thrown in the towel. There might be an eight-pack underneath that skin, but the skin is doing its best California Raisin impression.
I think if I can’t make something work, I’ll go for the tiny indecent bikini bottoms, and just some heavy duty two sided tape to keep the fabric where it needs to be and pull my extra skin down under the fabric, and tape that shit into place. Instant tummy tuck, thank you duct tape.
Comments
Post a Comment
I have allowed anonymous commenting on this blog. I really appreciate all the feedback I have received, and I like to know who gives it, so if you would be so kind as to leave your name with your comments. And if your name is Angie, please give me an initial with it, I know far too many of you.