Now I know why some animals eat their young.
I have a teenager. A female teenager at that.
While there are countless moments that I look lovingly at her and hug her and kiss her forehead, those almost exclusively happen when she's asleep. And none of them happen when her lips are moving.
If she's awake and alert and talking, it's inconceivable that she'd be communicating to me in any language other than grunting and eye-rolling and condescension.
I was unaware that at 13, the female species becomes fully aware that they are heaven's gift to the universe and as such, completely above engaging in conversations, cleaning up after themselves, eating food that doesn't come from Taco Bell, or speaking in a tone that doesn't include sneer. If the teenager owns a phone, they are actually, likely incapable of speech that isn't recorded in short bursts for snapchat. Their faces will be frozen in a pouty duckface type grimace, and can only be photographed with the latest instagram filter. While 13 year old girls consider themselves to be fully grown specimens, they are unable to accept the responsibility for material possessions that actual adults have been bestowed upon them. The parental units are expected to know where their belongings are at all times, and should the teenager be unable to find her black stretchy headband it is clearly because the parental unit surreptitiously moved it to be a menace to teen society and ruin as many lives as possible.
Any adult who finds themselves parenting a teen can expect that they may be summoned at a moment's notice to provide, food, cash or transportation for any number of teens. (Take note, they travel as a pack) And although, I can predict with alarming accuracy when such demands will come, any attempt to be prepared in advance of the request and respond appropriately will be met with crossed arms and the pout (not to be confused with duckface) and an insistence that she can't have the minion cookies today, she only wanted those yesterday, today she wanted cheez-its, and you're mean.
I have begun experimenting with new responses to some of the teenagers demands and behaviors. I'd grown tired of being reasonable all the time. Because I was the only reasonable person in the house. Here's a rundown of what has worked, what hasn't and what is so hilarious to me that I'd do it again.
Let her younger sister come up with a punishment. That kid is creative as all get out. Especially when it comes to making her suffer. She might have a career with the CIA, or a mercenary organization.
Taking away her phone. It's obvious and so easy it feels like cheating, but effective. Not only have you taken away her means of selfie taking and posting, you've also removed her lifeline to the outside world. The inability to communicate with her crew is crippling. She can't see their selfies, she'll miss out on at least 16 new relationships and 17 critical break-ups. This is my go to.
Don't send her to her room. This is her haven. She has 10 pounds of swedish fish left over from Christmas. She can do her hair. Go through her closet and make a comprehensive list of all the clothes she needs but you won't buy her. If she has her phone or laptop, she can communicate in peace and quiet without her siblings interrupting or streaking naked through the house. So this is actually a reward, not a punishment.
If she is giving you attitude in the morning and in the carpool, do be sure to yell out "I love you buttercup, I hope you have a super day at school. Don't forget, if you get sad today I stuck your baby Pooh Blanket in your back pack in case you need a cuddle today." As she gets out of the car, at the door to school, while her friends and frenemies are standing there to witness.
If she is adamant that YOU have lost one of her items. Go find it. Hide it really good. (But not so good that you forget where it is) And then let her go slowly insane looking for it, while you are completely nonchalant about it. "Oh, really, lost library book? Huh. I haven't seen it. Let me know if you need me to get money out of your account for you, so you can pay for it." "What? Did you say you have ballet and can't find your black leotard. That's so weird. I could have sworn I handed it to you and told you to put it in your bag. Guess you'll be skipping ballet today." This will usually result in at least a week of diligent monitoring of possessions on their part.
When she rudely demands that you bring her some food to the dance studio because she's starving. And uses the entitled tone and doesn't ask nicely or say please. Bring carrots and salad and dehydrated fruit, instead of the cheez-its and cookies she wanted.
I'm still learning what works and what doesn't. So is she. Hormones are a bitch.
I have a teenager. A female teenager at that.
While there are countless moments that I look lovingly at her and hug her and kiss her forehead, those almost exclusively happen when she's asleep. And none of them happen when her lips are moving.
If she's awake and alert and talking, it's inconceivable that she'd be communicating to me in any language other than grunting and eye-rolling and condescension.
I was unaware that at 13, the female species becomes fully aware that they are heaven's gift to the universe and as such, completely above engaging in conversations, cleaning up after themselves, eating food that doesn't come from Taco Bell, or speaking in a tone that doesn't include sneer. If the teenager owns a phone, they are actually, likely incapable of speech that isn't recorded in short bursts for snapchat. Their faces will be frozen in a pouty duckface type grimace, and can only be photographed with the latest instagram filter. While 13 year old girls consider themselves to be fully grown specimens, they are unable to accept the responsibility for material possessions that actual adults have been bestowed upon them. The parental units are expected to know where their belongings are at all times, and should the teenager be unable to find her black stretchy headband it is clearly because the parental unit surreptitiously moved it to be a menace to teen society and ruin as many lives as possible.
Any adult who finds themselves parenting a teen can expect that they may be summoned at a moment's notice to provide, food, cash or transportation for any number of teens. (Take note, they travel as a pack) And although, I can predict with alarming accuracy when such demands will come, any attempt to be prepared in advance of the request and respond appropriately will be met with crossed arms and the pout (not to be confused with duckface) and an insistence that she can't have the minion cookies today, she only wanted those yesterday, today she wanted cheez-its, and you're mean.
I have begun experimenting with new responses to some of the teenagers demands and behaviors. I'd grown tired of being reasonable all the time. Because I was the only reasonable person in the house. Here's a rundown of what has worked, what hasn't and what is so hilarious to me that I'd do it again.
Let her younger sister come up with a punishment. That kid is creative as all get out. Especially when it comes to making her suffer. She might have a career with the CIA, or a mercenary organization.
Taking away her phone. It's obvious and so easy it feels like cheating, but effective. Not only have you taken away her means of selfie taking and posting, you've also removed her lifeline to the outside world. The inability to communicate with her crew is crippling. She can't see their selfies, she'll miss out on at least 16 new relationships and 17 critical break-ups. This is my go to.
Don't send her to her room. This is her haven. She has 10 pounds of swedish fish left over from Christmas. She can do her hair. Go through her closet and make a comprehensive list of all the clothes she needs but you won't buy her. If she has her phone or laptop, she can communicate in peace and quiet without her siblings interrupting or streaking naked through the house. So this is actually a reward, not a punishment.
If she is giving you attitude in the morning and in the carpool, do be sure to yell out "I love you buttercup, I hope you have a super day at school. Don't forget, if you get sad today I stuck your baby Pooh Blanket in your back pack in case you need a cuddle today." As she gets out of the car, at the door to school, while her friends and frenemies are standing there to witness.
If she is adamant that YOU have lost one of her items. Go find it. Hide it really good. (But not so good that you forget where it is) And then let her go slowly insane looking for it, while you are completely nonchalant about it. "Oh, really, lost library book? Huh. I haven't seen it. Let me know if you need me to get money out of your account for you, so you can pay for it." "What? Did you say you have ballet and can't find your black leotard. That's so weird. I could have sworn I handed it to you and told you to put it in your bag. Guess you'll be skipping ballet today." This will usually result in at least a week of diligent monitoring of possessions on their part.
When she rudely demands that you bring her some food to the dance studio because she's starving. And uses the entitled tone and doesn't ask nicely or say please. Bring carrots and salad and dehydrated fruit, instead of the cheez-its and cookies she wanted.
I'm still learning what works and what doesn't. So is she. Hormones are a bitch.
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