I’ve been trying to compose thoughts in my head. I want to get out my thoughts on achieving 1 year of happiness. I have so many different thoughts and feelings on this, and it all came to head this morning when Facebook reminded me that it was 1 year ago today that I took my kids to our new home for the very first time.
I have made exactly 1 entry on this blog about the hell that was my marriage. I don’t like to talk about it. I still suffer from crippling self doubt and insecurity. And any time I have talked about my marriage, I always end up feeling shame for staying in that toxic relationship so long. (Yes. Julia. I know. Abuse victim behavior, I’m working on it.)
I started writing this post in a serious tone. Well, not serious, but certainly not light hearted and funny. And it felt wrong. I’m not all that serious. I’m usually kind of funny. So. Spoiler alert. I’m about to be inappropriately funny about the past year. Some people will find this off-putting and think I’m completely out of line. So to those people: I’m not making light of divorce, addiction or recovery. I tried everything I could to tough it out. In fact. I toughed it out for a very long time. Some people look at a quick snapshot and see just that I moved out after rehab and sobriety. Forgetting about everything that happened for 16 years of addiction. I got divorced because I wanted to be happy, I wanted my kids to be happy, and because we deserve to be happy. And we are. If I close my eyes and flash back over the last year, the abundant feeling is HAPPY. So to write this in all seriousness would do a disservice to the amazing life we have now.
Alright. For those of you still with me.
What I have learned in my very first year
• Saying “I am the supreme commander boss of this house and no one has more authority than me!!” never gets old.
• Nothing makes me feel more empowered than being the badass hot water heater lighting, furnace troubleshooting, toilet repairing, home DIY’er I get to be now.
• WAIT. I lie. Going to the hardware store with my son, being asked by the staff if I need help and hearing him say “Nope, my mom’s got this.” As he marches confidently down the aisle is super empowering.
• Feeling insanely badass and confident will lead you to make stupid decisions like accosting a would be Christmas inflatable thief, in the middle of the night, in your pajamas, with no back-up, without thinking through the potential hazards in that decision.
• I like mowing the yard. It’s my zen place. Clears my mind, and the mower is louder than the little boy saying MOM, every 2 seconds. Also. I love mowing the yard in whatever direction I want. Turns out the grass grows no matter what.
• If I want to make pancakes for dinner, or hamburger helper, or cereal and milk I can, and no one complains, because HELLO, those are delicious options.
• It’s a presidential election year. I had forgotten what it’s like to read and listen to factual reporting. I don’t spend part of my day researching a rebuttal to the day’s attack on my beliefs. No one holds me responsible for the state of the economy based on my $50 donation to a campaign in 2008. (Bet you didn’t know that $50 had the power to crash the stock market and affect the livelihood of everyone in the workforce. Think about that the next time you vote or donate)
• Mother nature blessed me this year. No snow. Unfortunately people, I think this means we’re in for a doozy this year. Me, only shoveler, gravel driveway, no garage. I apologize. I do miss having a garage.
• Favorite thing about my neighborhood. I am the responsible grown up who rakes leaves, and landscapes and has a nice yard. I no longer hear the theme to Sanford and Son when I look out at my yard in comparison to the neighbors. Makes me feel like an actual grown up!!!
• I can wake up on a Saturday morning and decide to paint the bathroom magenta that very same day. I would never, but I could.
• I did paint my room a magical shade of blue/purple/gray
• Having friends over to relax and have fun is as fun now as I remembered it being when I was still young and carefree. Well maybe more, as we have learned to enjoy the proper way to taunt the other partygoers in my neighborhood. “I have a retirement fund. What do you have?”
• I met someone. He is insanely special. I have a ridiculously good time with him even when we are taping and mudding drywall I have fun with him. (it’s completely crazy I know, but I could sit and watch paint dry with him and have a good time.) He means more to me than I can put into words. Seeing him with my kids and how silly and funny they are with him, relaxed and at ease, makes the deepest part of my heart smile.
I am grateful every day for the decision I made. It was the right one for us. Having that clarity makes it so much easier to look forward, to be happy, be really genuinely happy. I wish that for everyone. Real, genuine, down to your core, happiness. It makes it easier to ignore passive aggressive shenanigans, unnecessary drama, negativity and spite. It’s a little like having a little defense shield.
I have made exactly 1 entry on this blog about the hell that was my marriage. I don’t like to talk about it. I still suffer from crippling self doubt and insecurity. And any time I have talked about my marriage, I always end up feeling shame for staying in that toxic relationship so long. (Yes. Julia. I know. Abuse victim behavior, I’m working on it.)
I started writing this post in a serious tone. Well, not serious, but certainly not light hearted and funny. And it felt wrong. I’m not all that serious. I’m usually kind of funny. So. Spoiler alert. I’m about to be inappropriately funny about the past year. Some people will find this off-putting and think I’m completely out of line. So to those people: I’m not making light of divorce, addiction or recovery. I tried everything I could to tough it out. In fact. I toughed it out for a very long time. Some people look at a quick snapshot and see just that I moved out after rehab and sobriety. Forgetting about everything that happened for 16 years of addiction. I got divorced because I wanted to be happy, I wanted my kids to be happy, and because we deserve to be happy. And we are. If I close my eyes and flash back over the last year, the abundant feeling is HAPPY. So to write this in all seriousness would do a disservice to the amazing life we have now.
Alright. For those of you still with me.
What I have learned in my very first year
• Saying “I am the supreme commander boss of this house and no one has more authority than me!!” never gets old.
• Nothing makes me feel more empowered than being the badass hot water heater lighting, furnace troubleshooting, toilet repairing, home DIY’er I get to be now.
• WAIT. I lie. Going to the hardware store with my son, being asked by the staff if I need help and hearing him say “Nope, my mom’s got this.” As he marches confidently down the aisle is super empowering.
• Feeling insanely badass and confident will lead you to make stupid decisions like accosting a would be Christmas inflatable thief, in the middle of the night, in your pajamas, with no back-up, without thinking through the potential hazards in that decision.
• I like mowing the yard. It’s my zen place. Clears my mind, and the mower is louder than the little boy saying MOM, every 2 seconds. Also. I love mowing the yard in whatever direction I want. Turns out the grass grows no matter what.
• If I want to make pancakes for dinner, or hamburger helper, or cereal and milk I can, and no one complains, because HELLO, those are delicious options.
• It’s a presidential election year. I had forgotten what it’s like to read and listen to factual reporting. I don’t spend part of my day researching a rebuttal to the day’s attack on my beliefs. No one holds me responsible for the state of the economy based on my $50 donation to a campaign in 2008. (Bet you didn’t know that $50 had the power to crash the stock market and affect the livelihood of everyone in the workforce. Think about that the next time you vote or donate)
• Mother nature blessed me this year. No snow. Unfortunately people, I think this means we’re in for a doozy this year. Me, only shoveler, gravel driveway, no garage. I apologize. I do miss having a garage.
• Favorite thing about my neighborhood. I am the responsible grown up who rakes leaves, and landscapes and has a nice yard. I no longer hear the theme to Sanford and Son when I look out at my yard in comparison to the neighbors. Makes me feel like an actual grown up!!!
• I can wake up on a Saturday morning and decide to paint the bathroom magenta that very same day. I would never, but I could.
• I did paint my room a magical shade of blue/purple/gray
• Having friends over to relax and have fun is as fun now as I remembered it being when I was still young and carefree. Well maybe more, as we have learned to enjoy the proper way to taunt the other partygoers in my neighborhood. “I have a retirement fund. What do you have?”
• I met someone. He is insanely special. I have a ridiculously good time with him even when we are taping and mudding drywall I have fun with him. (it’s completely crazy I know, but I could sit and watch paint dry with him and have a good time.) He means more to me than I can put into words. Seeing him with my kids and how silly and funny they are with him, relaxed and at ease, makes the deepest part of my heart smile.
I am grateful every day for the decision I made. It was the right one for us. Having that clarity makes it so much easier to look forward, to be happy, be really genuinely happy. I wish that for everyone. Real, genuine, down to your core, happiness. It makes it easier to ignore passive aggressive shenanigans, unnecessary drama, negativity and spite. It’s a little like having a little defense shield.
Love you so much, my friend, and I'm insanely happy that you're happy!
ReplyDelete